The Secret Files of Josh Romney
This primary season, because we have a soft spot for sexy robo-Mormons, HypePipe has embedded several spies within the Mitt Romney campaign. Their main priority is to install a camera in the Five Brothers Bus shower, but they also have orders to report back on anything scandalous or sexxxy that we might be able to exploit for personal gain. Today we hit the motherload. Our operatives have managed to get a hold of the secret diary of none other than middle child, Josh Romney. What secrets will Josh unwittingly reveal when he thinks no one is reading? There's only one way to find out:
April 18, 2007
"Dear Max [editors' note: Why "Max"? We don't know.],
That chick with the armpits from BYU called again. Autumn. She tried calling me earlier last week too, totally creepy. She keeps leaving messages and talking about John Jackson, Jeremy, Jonathan, all these fucking "J" names, like I should remember them or something. Dude, college was soooo long ago. Grow up! Anyway.
I had that dream again last night, except this time we were in a barracks in some military base somewhere. I woke up and I was chewing on my pillow and sweating a lot. I thought about waking up Jen but I knew she would just want to pray with me again, so I didn't. OMG, this is so random, I have the biggest craving for pickles right now. No joke. I don't know why, but OMG! I am so random.
Dad is making me drive the "Mitt Mobile" tomorrow all day which is totally lame. Almost as lame as the name "Mitt Mobile". I suggested "Cobra Sword II", but Tagg shot me down. Asshole. I guess "Mitt Mobile" is better that "Mormongasaurus" though. That was stupid Michael's suggestion. I don't know why he's even allowed at these meetings. BB always wants him around. [editor's note: "BB" is short for "Benny Bear", a nick name for second youngest brother, Ben.] Metrosexual my ass... Okay I'm gonna go do some push-ups.
Stay cool!"
April 24, 2007
"Dear Max,
Mom's birthday is today. I got her a butter dish. BB made her a God's eye from his own hair. I said she was gonna think that was gross and then he started crying so I hit him in the arm. Michael was all like, "You better cut that out Josh, or I'm telling your dad!" And I was like "Whatever Michael, shouldn't you be zhooshing yourself or something?" Then I hit him too. He did tell Dad though, and now I have to drive the bus all day again. It's so stupid. Michael is so dumb. If i have to watch Kate and Leopold one more time I'm gonna hurl."
May 7, 2007
"Dear Max,
Me and Craig went biking with SC Governor Sanford today and it was SO HARD! Sweet geeze, my ass is sore! My thighs too. And my groin. Michael said he would give me a massage but I don't know...I think he may just be trying to play a trick on me to get back for when i punched him. I suggested we call the bus the "Five Brother's Bus" today but Tagg said that was gay. He's a loser though. mom said it was a good name and that that's what we're probably gonna call it anyway. So there, Tagg, suck on that! Jen called today, for serious she talks SO MUCH. The kids need braces this, i don't have any alone time that. i can't wait to get to Iowa. i don't think my cell phone works out there. Ooo, we're at a gas station now, I'm gonna go get some beef jerky. TTYL."
TO BE CONTINUED...
