Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Chelsea Can You Hear Me?
Our love for Chelsea Handler is like the love a sailor has for a red sky at night. We've been watching her show, Chelsea Lately, and it's become the most compelling new RGC. (Reason to Get Cable)
She's like Bill Maher, except FUNNY. And she's shoving her pointy reckoning up the butthole of Hollywood! Hooray! We want Chelsea to team up with Kathy Griffin to fight crime. Celebri-crime!
We ALSO want Chelsea to be the 4th female chair warmer on The View. Even though we don't really care about The View, everyone else is jangling their two cents around, why not us?
Diddy Involved in Bizarre Secret Diva-Off with Barbra Streisand
Diddy, who has previously locked horns with Ina Garten in a fabulous champagne soaked battle to Out-Hampton each other, is now hiring his next personal assistant through YouTube. We suspect Barbra Striesand is involved.
“What better job than that to have me scream at you, go crazy, keep you up at late hours, have you sleep-deprived?” - Diddy
And from 1997, we give you Puff Daddy, the man who would be Puffy, who would be P. Diddy, who would be Diddy!
1997!
.jpg)
Saturday, July 28, 2007
File Under "Why the Hell is This Chick Famous?"
We were thinking about Maya Angelou earlier today, as we are wont to do when the weather is sultry and we are drinking wine. And it dawned on us that, yes, Maya may indeed know why the caged bird sings, but we still
HAVE NO IDEA WHY THIS CHICK IS FAMOUS!
OK, she is on MTV's The Hills, but that doesn't really help us. That crazy show is almost as confusing as the (air quotes here) "fame" of Heidi Montag herself. From what we gather, The Hills is about hollywood, white girls who have both unpaid internships and huge apartments, and the same white girls talking shit about their best friends. And shoes!
Not surprisingly, Heidi is gonna do what every F-List celebrity with a new pair of tits and a matching (i.e. outsize) sense of entitlement does: RECORD AN ALBUM. It's true. And it's gonna be slutty! According to wikipedia, it's going to be "very fun, fresh, sexy . . . the Pussycat Dolls-meets-Gwen Stefani, with a dose of Fergie" and a lot of her songs "will be very sexual." dUh!
Heidi M. also works with this charity for poor kids n' stuff:
Yes, the Bony Pony Ranch. According to their website, it's the personal project of a very humble and modest Los Angeles plastic surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan:
One million dollar Chili's gift card to the person who can correctly guess who filled Ms. Montag's upper half with silicone!
(Post Script: PARIS HILTON is on the board of this wacky celebri-tastical charity. Yikes...)
I Hope NASA Goes to Planet Unicorn (Heyyy)
Patrick sent this all the way from France. It's funny, inspiring, and full of UNICORNS! And it's REEeeeEAaAaLLLy GAI.
Worst 911 Dispatcher... EVER!
YOU MUST HEAR THIS!
The Lindsay LoLo 911 tape is better than good- it's AWFUL!
Listen as the (muggle) mother of the ex-Lohan assistant makes a painfully unhelpful call to a man who just may be America's Next Top 911 Dispatcher with a Major Attitude Problem.
"Yes, but where aaaaaaare youu?"
I hear that Hollywood's Ministry of Movie Insurance has pretty much pronounced L-Ho uninsurable for films because she is so cuckoo in her cocoa puffs.
Surely, she could get STUNT DRIVING work?!?!!
Friday, July 27, 2007
Soooo We're Pretty Much Just Getting Wasted This Weekend
Still, we'll try to keep the posting un-shabby, but you never know what will happen after the third case of Dan Ackroyd Shiraz. Sometimes, mediocrity happens.
Our YouTube Debate Question (We Worked Really Hard on This!)
We totally missed the submission deadline because we were at Carowinds and couldn't get a ride back.
There's always the next duh-bate!
BREAKING NEWS- Nick Carter Stops Eating Kit Kats and Brown Liquor for Breakfast
Yeah, so Nick Carter is totally man-o-rexic now!!! Maybe he's been hanging out with Carson Daly? At any rate, we're sure he'll be debuting his sexy, emaciated bones on a reality show near you sometime soon. That's how these things usually go. Watch for the part in the video where he says he's at his lowest weight since age 15! While we don't endorse people dropping down to their Mouseketeer weight, we are truly intrigued when celebrities go to X-TREEEMES.
In other Backstreet News, A.J. was spotted at paparrazzi hot-spot Mattress Giant the other day. Napping under a sleigh bed. Clearly, he's resting up for a COMEBACK!
Why We LOVE Boomtac(youtube)lar
This clip, from our dear sweet friends at Boomtacular, is better than Cats. Really, it's hoooooo heee heeeee funny!
Growltiger with Griddlebone
Who Keeps Greenlighting These Shitty Re-Makes????
Is it Al Qaeda? Or Karl Rove? Could it be Michael Douglas? Cher?
Seriously, whoever is responsible must be stopped. It could be that Catherine Zeta McPhee Jones's shiny shiny hair is workin my nerves more than usual these days, but I'm pretty sure No Reservations has the distinct aroma of a big poo omelet!
Give me a movie I haven't seen, like a RACHAEL RAY BIOPIC!!! It would be a timeless tale about a girl who can't cook so good, but whose dreams (powered by stoup, E.V.O.O., and tight fitting lycra-blend shirts) rocket her to the top of the world. In the last part of the movie, the "figure friendly" recipe pipeline runs dry, Oprah stops returning phone calls, and Rachael finds that the only job she can get is as Courtney Love's personal assistant. That would be a good movie.
A Few Questions for Bubbles
Seriously, this might be the answer to all of our questions!
Duh!
If we could get Nancy Grace to interview Bubbles, she could find out how he used his magickal powers to help Michael conjure Jesus juice into children's Pepsi cans.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Unifying Theory of Everything
It's coming soon! We're going to have to watch a lot of E! and drink a lot of Sparks before it's ready for public consumption, let alone public digestion.
Until then, click here.
Then scroll down to see HILARY DUFF as a
full...
on...
WITCH!
Mysteries of the Universe
So I was meditating (digging up potatoes) here in France the other day and just when I had about reached a state of complete subliminality, a question popped into my head that I just couldn't shove aside. No matter how hard I focused on my Gayatri Mantra, it persisted:
What ever happened to Dan Aykroyd?
Then I found out and was a little let down.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
The LoVinci Code of the Phoenix from Rehab-Kaban
In case you were confused about the recent implosion/explosion/concussion-causing BUST UP that has been "celebrity news" of late, an email HypePipe just received from the Sidekick of Lindsay Lohan explains it all. (You might need to lock yourself in an attic with a peanut butter jelly sandwich to read it all... IT'S EPIC!)
+ In April of this year, (P)Al Gore & L-Ho hatched a brilliant plan to start a coven to stop global warming called "greenPIECE"...
+ But before they could convene their environmentally cracked out magick circle, Asia, that chick who won the Search for the Next PussycatDollSlut, caught L-Ho stealing spells (a high crime in witchery!)
+ Over the Memorial Day Weekend, when she realized she had been busted for copping spells, Lindz freaked out and in a blind rage used dark magic to cast Asia into a Phantom Zone (where everyone is forced to wear Pant Suits and sensible shoes FOREVER!)
+ On June 25th word of L-Ho's crack up and Asia's unfashionable fate reached the real Pussy Cat Dolls, and they used their stronger (and sluttier) power to send L-Ho to Rehab-Kaban, the only place on earth where Lindsay's magic (and hopefully her hair) could be cleansed and made sober.
+ Knowing that LaLohan was in Rehab-Kaban and with no time to waste in saving the planet, (P)Al Gore started grooming Hillary Duffet to assist him in healing the hole in the ozone layer with sustainable maGGIKK and poorly choreographed pop routines.
+ On July 15th, nearly thirty days after being punished for her magickal transgressions of the previous month, L-Ho was released from Rehab-Kaban by the DUH-mentors (i.e. the Pussy Cat Dolls). Before her release, the DUH-mentors fitted her with a bracelet device on her ankle to ensure she would not use her maGGGIKK to write, produce, or perform a new single.
+ On Monday of this week, L-Ho heard that she'd been dropped by (P)Al Gore. And even though she was not even two weeks out of Rehab-Kaban, she was so confused and devasted that she hopped on her Nimbus 3000 and flew straight to Hogwarts Lounge Las Vegas at Caesar's Palace.
+ Upon arriving at the Hogwarts Lounge late Monday evening, L-Ho tried to banish the rest of the Pussy Cat Dolls to the same Phantom Zone she had sent Asia to. She tried, but could not scry for them because she was on their (slutty) home court, and so she decided to drink. She drank SO much that she Faggot her plan of banishing the dolls. She also forgot where she had parked her Nimbus 3000.
+ Luckily, by midnight on Monday she was able to hitch a ride to LA with gal-pal Muggle Britt Britt Spears, where she used the forbidden dark magic to conjur the guarantee of a scene at Britt Brit's interview / photo shoot with OK Magazine just long enough for no one to notice BB (BrittBritt) stealing the 21,000 dollas in designer clothes.
+ As a token of Brat-i-tude for the diversion, BB Spears showered L-Ho with a fresh new car and the chance to record a brand new single, written and produced by the wizards that brought us the Paris Hilton Album. Grateful for a chance to record again, L-ho stepped into the studio (around 1:00 am Monday night) to lay down the hook.
+ As soon as she started singing the forbidden NEW SINGLE, L-Ho's ankle bracelet started glowing purple, sending news of her shitty music magick violation to the DUH-Mentors. The Pussy Cat DUH-Mentors, draped in their ghostly (slutty) clothes, conjured some coke into L-Ho's pocket as she sped away from the studio in a stolen Prius and chased her off the road. Tiffany, the drunk mess from Rock of Love and newly hired replacement assistant, was in the passenger seat, wearing a hat she'd had made for the occasion.
According to a post script on Li-Lo's (cryptic and frankly AmAziNg) email to HypePipe, the PCD's fled the scene before police arrived and ran off to become Danity Kane and perform at the opening of a Wal-Mart SuperCenter in San Dimas.
+ And the rest in history......From the future......
The Party's Over, Say Goodbye
After all this recent crazy out of control foolishness, Lindsay's gonna REALLY forREALforREAL on the real real real real REAL REAL REAL real real real go to rehab...
In AZKABAN!
Now she and Al Gore can't do that thing they were gonna do.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
The Body Count Rises
Soledad, departed this program June 2003
R.I.P. Kat-ay, May 31, 2006 
Campbell Brown, au revoir mon ange! July 22, 2007
The Today Show is hemorrhaging talent like ER in the late 90s. We think their current audience is maybe just us (because watching Ann-bot Curry consistently makes our day) and soccer moms who want to see Norah Jones perform on the Plaza and know which flavor of Arbor Mist to serve at play group.
Meredith, Matt, Al, and Ann will soon be replaced by a box of CornDogs:
Do They Have Christmas in France?
In home shopping news, Christmas in July is just around the corner. I know because I just got an email from my close personal friends at QVC!!! Let the drunk dialing begin.
Blowing Shit Up With Our Minds
First we post this...
And then THIS MESS happens:
Girlfriend was drunk, (0.12 bishes), had no license, a nose full of co-ca-een-nay, AND she was trying to run the mother of one of her assistants off the damn road! (To be fair, I think we've all done that last one...)
Seriously, it's like we're Drew Barrymore in "Firestarter."
Blowin' shit up with our MINDS!!!!
Suite and Sour Chicken
The Present: puffy, milk-fed veal calves, trapped in the Disney Channel torture pen.
Ploopers and Practical Jokes
"I think we need a forum to discuss Bloopers--which could of course be "Ploopers." I would like to hear what side/treatment effects people are experiencing and what has precipitated them if anything. That way we can all learn what NOT to do, perhaps."
Thank you alli message boards!
Mr. President, Were the Buns Sticky?
Last week the Assmaster in Chief visited a bun factory. Really.
We can't believe we faggot to post about this!
Monday, July 23, 2007
Not Tryin' to Put the Rush on Obama
hey! I have a HUGE crush on this guy. He's running for PRESIDANT. At the end of the last school year i decided that i REALLY liked him. It is summer now and i really miss him. Me and my best friend sat with him and 3 of his other guy friends at lunch outside. I used to bring him these cookies because he loved them and he was always like o my god i love you for bringing him cookies and stuff. I really dont know if he likes me or what. All i know is that i am totally in love with him.
sincerely,
o.b.amaGIRLinterruptd
Dear GIRL-
First off, stop flashing your drawers. If you're having trouble keeping your clothes on, perhaps you are high on PCP, in which case you should see a chiropractor immediately. And have you considered taking that unfunny shit bomb off of Youtube? Watching it makes my butt hurt. And as for your question about this fellow you have a crush on, I don't think that he is impressed with your outrageously slut-tastical behavior. At all. I'm certainly not. Hussy.
Good luck!
Barbara
Reasons We Haven't Heard From Patrick in a While
Is he too busy partying with Tara Reid in St. Tropez?
Makin' foie gras?
Teaching sign language to Helen Keller?
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Dear Sweet Angel II
Dear Tammy Faye, sweet angel lady
Oh how I wish you could have lived to see 80
Your makeup was wondrous, so brave and so bold!
Though it made you a star, it was your spirit that was gold
I loved your mascara, your kindness and love
And I know that you now shine your light from above
I hope that your soul in pure rest now reposes
Alongside the dew on heaven's sweet roses
Oh how I wish you could have lived to see 80
Your makeup was wondrous, so brave and so bold!
Though it made you a star, it was your spirit that was gold
I loved your mascara, your kindness and love
And I know that you now shine your light from above
I hope that your soul in pure rest now reposes
Alongside the dew on heaven's sweet roses
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Five Hot Guys with Restless Leg Syndrome
Dick Clark Productions removed a previously posted YouTube clip- hope this fills the void!
Friday, July 20, 2007
Doin' it in the Butt- Presidential Colon Edition
They're goin' in! Click here to read about Saturday's planned field trip into our president's bunghole.
Here's what we think this exciting expidition into that dark scary place known as the presidential poop chute will turn up:
Leaves, branches, topsoil
Hello Kitty lip gloss
Ham and cheese biscuit (undigested)
Cheney family Boston terrier, Ripples
Enriched uranium butt plug
Leave your guesses, based on conjecture or personal knowledge of George W's doo doo hole.
Witches Can't Wait
Old People JUST CAN'T STOP Saving the Wolrd!
Sir Richard Branson, taking time off from ballooning around the world and swan diving into his money bin, has started up a club for old people to SAVE THE WORLD! It's called "The Elders" and includes our favorite living (cause Anna Nicole is dead) saint, Nelson Mandela. (We like the name, but was Team Aspercreme already taken?) Like a Plastic Ono Band of old people, "The Elders" will stamp out poverty, cure AIDS, and free the circus elephants. In between naps, of course.
Nicole Richie, Britney, Paris, Lindsay Lohan = 0
Old People = 2,309,868 and counting!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
