HypePipe: March 2007

Saturday, March 31, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: DURHAM IS KICKING MY ASS ALREADY!!!

So check this out......

I made it to rock town on the train. I then immediately walked off that train, not bringing my luggage with me.

I'm like O.K. its cool, I'll go and see if I can check into the hotel early.

I could not. Why, you ask? Because ladies and gentlemen I am POOR, BLACK, and UGLY! And currently in DURHAM!

So the generous peoples of the whatever-the-name-of-the-hotel-is brought me on their tram full of white women to the 9th St FedEx Kinko's. Where I am spending money to post this while I wait for David's can't-drive-either ass to swoop me and check into the hotel were I will drink SPARKS and think about how to rock the hell out of these adidas tennis shoes to the 3 o'clock wedding..............

This roller derby match isn't over though!

That will happen when I run out of money and can't get home.

(This would NEVER have happened in Dubai!)

Friday, March 30, 2007

Dress Modestly

Our music-loving asses are saved- Modest Mouse is coming to the G-spot!

We're extra excited to hype this event since the upcoming TV on the Radio show in Chapel Hill is sold the fuck out. (We asked every box office in town and even some people on the street- you couldn't get a ticket even if you had Bubbles' personal assistant and Lauren Conrad, Teen Vogue intern, working on it.) And what better place for us to see a solid act like the Mouse than the no-nonsense, built Ford Tough Coliseum Special Events Center. Parking should be ample, like Anna Nicole's bosom, but the shit probably won't be free.

The Deets:

Modest Mouse
Friday, May 4th
8:00 pm
Tickets: $35.00 + cash for parking

Click over to the Modest Mouse fansite for a ticket link. You can also try the Coliseum. Be there or be sorry.

P.S. If you have tickets to the April 15th show of TV on the Radio, email hypepipe@gmail.com. We might be willing to put out for them. And by we, I mean Patrick.

Paris Hilton Arrested for Being a Ho; Blogosphere Agast

Sort of. But nonetheless, the prospect of 90 days in jail for America's other Dear Sweet Angel must surely have the blogosphere all atwitter no? I'm certainly twittering all over myself. But it looks like the internets' gayest little piggie and Queen of All Media hasn't picked up the story yet! Could it be because he's an ass-kssing, cooter-licking disgrace of a blogger?!!?!?!?!

Seriously Perez, I read your blog occasionally, so I know how you and Paris are bestest friends, but have you no sense of journalistic integrity? I think your ~~being a little bitch to~~ personal relationship with the Hilton Heirracist is keeping you from dishing what needs to get dished.

Crazy Bitch Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'!

We're gonna need some Visine real soon, cause the Pipe is burning up with Jackson Gossip Mania! Not only is Bubbles the real daddy of Dannielynn, but some crazy bitch is claiming that she is the real mother of Michael Jackson's three human (we think) companions / children / playmates Prince, Paris and the Savior of the Human Race, Blanket.

Good parenting!

Nona Paris Lola Jackson, crazy bitch in question, is suing the King of Pop to get a piece of his cheese. She claims that she gave birth to all three children and that Michael never did knock boots with Debbie Rowe, the woman who was married to Jackson and gave birth to all three of his children. Nona, brilliant legal mind that she is, has gone with what we are calling the Carrboro Defense: "I gave birth through the means of water birth because I am technically a [sic] herbalist."

We're impressed by the size of ovaries she must have to pull this kind of mess, but seriously, what is wrong with this bitch?

Of Big Phones and Skinny Mics

Unsubstantiated rumors on the internet confirm: Bob Barker's long time live-in house boy, Mario Lopez, will be replacing him as host of The Price Is Right in June!!!!

M-I-S-S u much

I miss you Josta!

Do you miss me? Please come back.

A Day in the Life of Natalie Portman Blue

Cedric wants y'all to know that a day in the life of Natalie Portman is pretty much identical to a day in the life of Cedric Blue.

NBC won't let me embed anything, so pause, reflect on your day and how good a bagel with cream cheese would be right now, then CLICK HERE FOOLS!

HypePipe will be at the Green Bean this evening if anyone wants to drink and fight with us.

Gay for Friday

A West Side Story Dance Remix- what could be gayer?

...or more AWESOME!?

It gets REALLY good at the 2:00 minute mark, but whole thing is pretty f'ing great. West Side Story is clearly where Bubbles' associate Michael Jackson got the ideas for all of his videos. This is the Alpha and the Omega.

Also, listen for C&C Music Factory- this is the remix/mashup of the year!!!!

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Last Night's Lost Gets an "M" For Magical

In spite of ingesting TOO MUCH BOOZE after getting off work, Patrick and I sat down for an intimate evening of Lost. And it is official. The SHIT IS ONCE AGAIN ON FIRE (as pictured above)!

Not spoiling anything for anyone, all I have to say is that you have got to LOVE a show that introduces and develops new characters on a desert island for the sole purpose of killing them of so they can tell you how they die.

Hopefully, next John Locke will give birth….

To a CHEETAH!

Breaking News - Michael Jackson is Ill-Nana!

According to our favorite assholes at Fox News fallen pop star and dear friend of Bubbles Michael Jackson was rushed to a Las Vegas Hospital after experiencing pneumonia-like symptoms. MJ is said to be blaming Japan and his children for his illness.

Bubbles could not be reached for comment on Birth Control Island. However, the aging chimpanzee is said to be looking for the first flight out of Dubai to be with his estranged award show date.

As always, we keep you updated on updates as soon as they are updatable!

Wish Me Luck Y'all

So, I'm due to attend a wedding in DURHam, NC this weekend (It is actually in Bahamas, NC but I'll spare you the deets). I have just realized that due to the poor driving records of me and my friends, I will be taking a bus to the Depot in GSO to catch a train to DURHam to catch a gypsy cab to meet my friend somewhere on the cracked out streets of that fair town. Those who know me, know that me and DURHam don't exactly mesh. So keep me in your thoughts, prayers, and handbags and I will be with you upon my return.

Punk Out With Your Junk Out

Flying Anvilites are spreading the word (i.e. posting myspace bulletins) about the first show at a new space for music, and presumably fans of music, called Square One. And we're passing on the hype just like we told you we would.

FRIDAY, MARCH 30TH

H.T.M.L. (Pittsburgh Ebullition style hardcore)

BUILDINGS TO DUST (Washed-Up Greensboro punx)

SUGAR ON SHIT (Drums/Accordion+Wine Jugs)

Doors at 8:30pm, Cover $4

SQUARE ONE 1400 Glennwood (corner of Glenwood/Grove)

Glennwood- it's like the Brooklyn of Greensboro, except not! So we call it WEE-BROOKLYN!

The Fat Boys doing "The Burger Pattern" on Square One

Today's Weather

Thursday March 29

currently 47° F, feels like 41° F

Today: showers, high 54° F/ low 38° F

For those who stayed home today, this is the forecast:

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Somebody Call Paul Mitchell- or Vidal Sassoon!

American Idle still continues to try my patience, and word is that the ratings are off from last year's Daught-tastic season, but there's always one wildcard every season who makes tuning in worthwhile. And the wildcard and total dum dum for this season is Sanjaya! Every single show has been NUTS and I think the poor boy got his memos confused about when exactly is Crazy Hair and Shoe Day.

For some extra chatter about how Sanjaya is ruining everything on purpose, check out Tabloid Baby.

Last night I think Sanjaya looked kinda like a stegosaurus.

My prediction for next week's hairstyle?

Fingerwaves!!!

Update on Hippie-NeoCon Smackdown 2007

Conversations overheard in the DJ booth at WUAG indicate that the campus radio station is betting heavily on a victorious outcome for the Cackalack Thunder. Apparently, the giant fetus picture on College Ave. wasn't exactly endearing (pics coming soon, maybe). I'm inclined to agree with the DJs, but remember Republicans have no qualms with throwing sand in your eyes. Or bilking Indians, embezzeling money, starting wars, privitizing social security, divorcing their cancer-striken wives, or flying planes into the World Trade Center!!!!!!!!!!

Forcast for Friday? BloodRayne!

Hippies fighting Republicans. At the library. With drums. You can't make this stuff up people.

Breaking News: Local Blogger is a Narc! G-Bo Strippers Left Destitute!

"An activist and journalist who now blogs under the handle the 'Troublemaker' helped police gather information in 2003 about a strip club operator by wearing a wire during an interview conducted under the guise of gathering news.

Ben Holder said he was pitching a freelance story to the Carolina Peacemaker, a newspaper that serves Greensboro's African American community, while simultaneously agreeing to work with the police. The story concerned suspected illegal activities at the Game Time Lounge, a club in the Glenwood neighborhood rumored to be popular among off-duty police officers. The owners and editor of the Peacemaker in 2003 said Holder never pitched such a story." -YesssWeekly!

Sure, it's real sleazy to wear a wire while pretending to be a journalist (when you're really just a blogger), but the important thing here is that bitch be shuttin' down all my strip clubs!

Dear Kerbersville, I'm sorry!

Alright, alright I take it back! Kernersville is a loverly place to live, I was just being mean. Look, a photoshoped picture to make amends:

Just remember, a diet high in fiber can decrease your risk of Daughtry by up to %60! Now that High Point on the other hand, just discraceful.

You have the worlds largest dresser on your front lawn and look at it! It's a mess! Argyle socks everywhere. And with Hall and Oats coming! Have you no pride High Point?

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Breaking News: Dannie-Lynn -Bubbles-Nicole-Smith???

So it has just come to my attention that our Dear Sweet Angel herself, Anna Nicole Smith, was planning a trip to none other than HypePipe's vacation spot of choice, luxurious Dubai!

Sadly, she died before this plan could be realized. However this made me think, who was she going to see in Dubai? Personally, I think she was on her way to rendezvous with who else but BUBBLES! I think that they were going to meet at a hotel on Birth Control Island (HypePipe's Island of choice) to discuss sharing their love with the whole wide world. Doing so would finally put to rest the speculation over Dannie Lynn’s paternity BECAUSE BUBBLES IS THE REAL FATHER!!!

Chew on that shit foaminit!

-Holla

I'M BACK

My dear lovely hype-heads, I apologize for my brief absence. I needed some time to rest and reflect after a weekend of hard-partyin and fast-livin with Bijou Phillips.

But I am now well rested, a little loose and ready to rain all over you Ho's.

C2

Patrick, I think Cedric might be practicing the Rockbiter monologue for his Julliard audition.

Keep hype alive!

Need Help with Child Support?

Simply ho yourself out! Don't be shy, a nice wealthy person is waiting to date you. If you're lucky, you can ho yourself out to a wealthy couple. Twice as much cheddar for the same amount of ho'in.

This wealthy couple lives in Greensboro's own Dubai and local lap of luxury, Lake Jeanette. Lisa likes to wear her jeweled bra to clean the house and spends her afternoons shopping for wine at Target. Jeff likes rolling a lint brush over his black angora sweaters and is always up for a trip to Charlotte for some serious shopping at the Sharper Image.

Wealthy people have money.... and so much more.

Monday, March 26, 2007

The final word on He Who Must Not Be Named

Though it has been observed by some (Eryn) that jokes about and references to the Idol that Almost Was are rapidly losing their caché 'round these parts, there are nonetheless still some riveting and somewhat scandalous Daughtry rumors that need airing. Here they are, in list form:

1) Those drunk, vomiting hos in the front row? They were from FLORIDA! Apparently Daughtry Inc. had them shipped in, in order to make an otherwise hideous Cackalack crowd look nice for the music video they were shooting. Boooooo.

2) Baldy just bought a house in Kernersville. Yes, he's moving to Kernersville. Of his own volition. Whadda kook! (No offense Lisa.)

3) Previous record for number of kegs of beer sold by Natty Greene's in one night:

.................45 (during last year's Get Down Town)

Number of kegs of beer destroyed by insatiable Daughtry "fans":

.................80!!!!!!!!

Obviously they were attempting to poison themselves in order to get medivac-ed the fuck out of Hamburger Square.

4) One small black child was trampled during the show. Daughtry felt so bad about it, he invited the kid to his after party, where he sat around eating a sandwich, looking scared.

5) At that very same after party, Daughtry was overheard asking for a Mich Ultra!!!!

Mich Ultra + eyeliner = Faggo!

6) And finally, and perhaps most shockingly: Chris Daughtry, and his entire family, and all his friends, are bad tippers! Ten hours I worked. My take? $60. Lame to the max!

Alright! That's it. Nothing more shall be written about Chris Daughtry, or any other Honda employee, past or present, on this blog, ever again!

Chris Daughtry Imports Some Tramps!

As we have reported, Chris Daughtry and his people were in town this past Friday for the Fuck-stravaganza that was the downtown concert. Over 20,000 people, both metropolitan and country, crowded the streets to shower Chris Daughtry with love and local pride.

Apparently, this love and local pride was not pretty enough for Daughtry.

Also as reported, crews were filming Daughtry's performance of "Home" for the video. They must think Greensboro is all heifers because the Daughtry people flew in some ho's from Florida to stand in the front row and shake their tatas for the camera.

We are wondering if Daughtry should have stuck with the locals. What do you think?

LEFT: some ho's from florida, RIGHT: some white girls at the Inferno in Greensboro

Anna Neeeecole, Sweet Angel

Authorities released Anna Nicole's autopsy results today and the cause of death is official: drug overdose. We are saddened and shocked to hear the news.

The only drug they didn't find in Anna Nicole's sexy body? THE TUSSIN

A Few Questions for the Muffin Man

Who are you Otis Spunkmeyer?

And are you aware that your muffins taste like nasty? And does the LaQuinta Inn West Little Rock think that I am going to want to stay there for their continental breakfast, featuring your Otis Spunkmeyer pastries? And will Michael Jackson be able to purchase your muffins in Dubai, when Blanket is hungry and needs a muffin?

Fuck Yeah, It's Furniture Market!

We here at HypePipe love Market because restaurants are crowded with drunk out of towners, people's moms are working the showrooms to make some extra cash, and everybody's renting out their house on Craigslist. (Write to hypepipe@gmail.com if you want to go in on a house with us next year for some close-to-the-action furniture market reporting.) Furniture Market makes us want to go out to the hotel bars and hit on the buyers for Rooms to Go.

In addition to this local orgy of furninture buying and expense account drinking, some very special events are taking place this week in High Point.

One of these events was the Hot Gossip that HypePipe alluded to last week. Well, fuck some clues! Hall and Oates are indeed gracing the Music Tent TONIGHT!

Now who said Furniture Market never did nothing for you?

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Breaking News: Anderson Cooper wrestles elephant; saves Jeff Corwin

So, right off the bat, you know it's gonna be a good show when both Andy and Jeff are traipsing about in the mud and wet of the Cambodian jungle in tight shirts and cargo pants. That's a given. But OMG, not even I, an ardent fan of both, expected the extreme levels of hottness that would ensue after a rabid elephant tries to take Jeff for his jungle bride. Anderson won't let him go without a fight, and with biceps bulging, he plunges into the murkey depths to save him.

That's what makes him:

AMERICA'S TOUGHEST REPORTER!

Now the Coop isn't really at his best until someone or something dies -that's when the crying starts -but I still give him a level three intrepidness rating for this particular piece of derring-do. Jeff isn't as sensitive, though he is arguably intrepider and gayer (Two words: short shorts), but he still screams like a girl! Hott!

Here's the link to the whole segment. Youtube has disabled the embedding option for it due to some kind of bullshit copyright thing.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Amy Sedaris' Brother to be in Greensboro April 5

.................................Amy and her brother.

That's right, perhaps the most famous brother in the world, David Sedaris, will be giving a lecture/performance/reading (what does he actually do at one of these things?) at War Memorial Auditorium, pictured below, next month.

Okay, that's not WMA. It's the Library of Congress. But I'll bet none of you knew that!!! Anyway, not to be satisfied with mere tertiary celebrity shoulder rubbing, your's truly, Greensboro's intrepid Boy Reporter, has decided that David Sedaris simply must grant him an interview. I sent the following letter to his agent, Steven Barclay today:

"I say,

I have much respect for Mr. Sedaris's work as an author and brother to Amy Sedaris. However, since he will soon be coming into my town in order to speak at my Auditorium, it is necessary that he offer me a token of respect as well. I represent the HypePipe, Greensboro's oldest and most prestigious (non-boring) blog. We are intrepid to the max, as evidenced by our coverage of Chris Daughtry's down town concert (http://hypepipe.blogspot.com/2007/03/breaking-news-chris-daughtry-ate-cheese.html). Obviously, we stop at nothing to get the steepest angles on the hottest stories.

Fortunately for him, we consider Mr. Sedaris to be pretty hott. However, David must grant me an interview in order to preserve this good standing. If he were to refuse, well, I shan't go making idle threats at this point in time, but suffice it to say I've cried over less. The interview could be conducted via telephone, or email, or you know, whatever, in person. Whatever works. I'm flexx. We'll just have to make sure we get a pic of David holding a sign saying "Pass the Pipe" or "Hypepipe Rules!" or something like that, so people know we're legit.

I want to remind you, no one else will be able to hype David like the HypePipe can. It's really in his interest to do the interview. I mean, we're giving him an opportunity here; it would be foolish, just foolish to refuse. Therefore, I trust I'll be speaking with someone from the agency soon. Till then, I wait with bated breath.

Don't make me cry,

Patrick Tutwiler
Chief Political Correspondent, HypePipe

P.S.: Tell Amy I said 'Hi'!"

Keep it clicked to hypepipe.blogspot.com for dramatic updates!

Gossip in the Pipe

In case you missed Clue #1, we're incrementally giving birth to a HOT piece of news about an upcoming Triad event one clue at a time.

CLUE #2

Like De la Soul said, 3 is the magic number, so keep clicking on the HypePipe for your final clue!
And remember: we can neither confirm nor deny correct or incorrect guesses until we've dragged out this charade till the final clue.

Breaking News: Chris Daughtry ate a Cheese Pizza

Okay, so I know there are probably literally thousands of myspace users out there right now who are soooooo mad at me for not liveblogging the Daughtry Day festivities like I said I would. But your anger only makes me laugh at your ignorance.

I, Patrick Tutwiler Boy Reporter, in an effort to provide you, dear readers, with the most eXtreme Daughtry experience ever, went far beyond the limits of journalistic integrity and infiltrated the exclusive pre- and after-parties hosted by Honda's finest himself. This feat renders all your complaints moot just as surely as it blows away all your expectations.

Posing as a common waiter, at a bourgeois wine establishment called The Press, in the newly-gentrified South Side neighborhood of Greensboro, I managed to get within inches of Chris Daughtry several times. He wore dark khol around his eyes, like an Egyptian, and his jeans were torn, yet new at the same time. He never once took off his embroidered tobogin, and he hugged everyone. I was armed with only my camera phone, with which I both took pictures (coming soon) and communicated with my support team stationed at Riojas.(note: my support team was only marginally supportive. I basically did everything myself.)

It was daunting work. In fact, after 10 hours, it became so excruciatingly boring that I had to leave. Nonetheless, I did get some super hi-def pics of Daughtry's strech SUV. But those are for another post...

Friday, March 23, 2007

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

THIS SHIT IS GONNA SET GREENSBORO ON FIRE!

HypePipe can barely keep our shirts on today- we know that the Daughtry concert is going to blow Greensboro the fuck up! Bananas does not even begin to describe this evening's event.

Now Hear This:

Over 8,000 people are expected to crowd the streets of downtown G-spot.

Almost every street in downtown is currently closed and the vendors are pitching their tents. HypePipe contributor and bus-rider, Cedric, reports that streets were being closed off as early as last night!

Flat screens too! The city is setting up a 25 foot screen so even short people can watch.

Yesterday's New York Times featured a Chris Daughtry profile, revealing this hot piece of news: The downtown concert will be filmed for Daughtry's "Home" video.

Our own local parakeet cage liner, the News and Record, has published a complete guide to the event, including a map and concert schedule.

Tents will be selling beer on Elm St, Chris Daughtry will be singing, and cameras will be filming a music video...

Greensboro: SHOW YOUR TITS!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Breaking News: Last Night's LOST = Solid "B"

It's true (A- + B+ = B). It was all about Locke, so it's no wonder "The Man From Tallahassee" was of a higher caliber than other episodes as of late. However, this is in keeping with a recent rebounding trend. I think the dark days of boring Bai Ling backstories and tiresome Kate/Sawyer/Jack love triangle plots are over, though admittedly they could be replaced with a Kate/Juliet/Jack love triangle plot. Gag.

And by the way, lostpedia.org is a real place -well, at least as real as this series of tubes gets. It is real and it is magical, just like the Island. And it talks to me about Dharma sharks and magic numbers when no one else will.

Gossip in the Pipe

Stay close to this pipe- some hot Triad gossip is about to pop out!

We'll give you a hint or two before we let it pop. The good news is you won't have to wait too long; this momentous event will take place soon.

Sorry, no prizes for correct guesses. Other than the prize of knowing you're right. And that's got to be worth something.

CLUE #1

Post your guesses. Correct answers win the prize of self-esteem!

WWKCT- What Would Katie Couric Think?

Ok, if you haven't seen the American Cancer Society's latest commercial for colon cancer awareness, turn on your TV and don't leave until you see it.

Our protagonist, Robert, sits in a diner with a couple of friends from the local chapter of AARP.

"How's a test gonna prevent colon cancer?" asks his waitress.

"I'll show you," answers our hero.

Robert draws a "colon" in his mashed potatoes.

"So they take a look at your colon,"

"and if they find a polyp," Robert stabs the lima bean "polyp" with his fork...

"they get it out before it turns into cancer!"

Then he eats it. The little lima bean polyp. We even get a "No you di-in't" from the friend who's drinking iced tea. The American Cancer Society has infected me with their very first attempt at viral marketing. You can see the whole stupid thing here. Robert even has a Myspace page. I think I'm gonna put him in my top 8- move over Cedric! I'm still mad at Robert for eating his own fake polyp, but I'm also kind of proud of him. Yes, Katie would approve.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

We Call Her...

"Tits and Teeth"

Das Savages

Now that my lunch break is over I figured I'd give you a sample of my work environment on a day to day basis. So please enjoy this clip from Disney's masterwork POCAHONTAS.

I chose the Clip in German because where I work, everyone must be treated like a foreigner. Specifically, the type which does not speak a word of English.

A New Kind of Happiness

If you watched the Show That Must Not be Named last night, then you already know what I'm talking about!

Idle has been so incredibly TIRED since Bucky Covington was kicked off last season that I don't really watch it anymore. It's also at least two hours of television two nights a week- as Cedric will tell you I just don't have that kind of attention span, even if there's no plot or scripted drama to follow. But once again, I have to give many thanks to the cruise ship virus for keeping me immobilized and watching TV....

"belles larmes de bonheur"

Because I think this girl in the Idle audience invented a new kind of happiness night. And I love happiness.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

WiggityWiggityWiggity WACK!

So in an apparent effort to emulate the MiggityMiggityMiggityMiggity Mack Dadies, I managed to miss the bus. Not just THE bus, but THE LAST FUCKING BUS HOME. I am now stuck on the ass end of Battleground waiting for HypePipe's news director to come and pick me up in CARlton (Chitty Chitty Bang Bang's distant grandchild).

Sharing this news has no real relevance because it is not real news. I am merely doing so in an attempt not burn down anything with my mind as I wait and think about the dead-end-armpit of a fucking sham job that has brought me to this moment in my life!

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)