HypePipe: May 2007

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Non! Je Ne Regrette Rien!!!!!

...Oh hi there! Didn't see you come in. I was just catching up on old times with my buddy Edith. (wink) And you know, I've been thinking about Edith a lot recently. That's bec...What's that? Well yes, I suppose every gay man does think about her an aweful lot...but I have special reason to. That's right! I'm going to France! Southern France! For two months!

Land of crepes suzettes, golden showers (it's true, they invented them!), and sardonic prose. I can't wait! The only thing that brings une larme to my eye is that I shan't be able to post as frequement as I might like! Now, I've checked and they do have the internerds over there (though it's no where near as legible), but I will be busy! You see, I'm not merely prisant des vacances, I'm gonna have to do some strong manual labouring!

On a farm!

Two farms actually. But I want you to know, dear readers that I will do my best to stay in as much touch as I possibly can! And if I never come back, well, tough merde, at least you'll have the comfort of knowing that I've gone to a better place...

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

In Case You Faggot...

It's totally summertime now!!!!!!

And you know what that means...

SUNDRESSES!

Monday, May 28, 2007

First Annual HypePipe City-Wide Spelling Bea (Arthur)

THE BEST SPELLER IN THE WOLRD!

Hear are some more picturs of poeple who can speel...

As far as this blog is concerned, you're all winners!

Thanks to everyone who made it out for last week's Spelling Bea (Arthur). Give us microphones and signs and we will give you a night of hot spelling action. Spellers and non-spellers alike made it an occasion to remember. And if we ever forget, we'll just do it again. THANK YOU!

Click It or Ticket Bitches

If you are driving anywhere, buckle up. Memorial Day is always a Click It or Ticket time of year. Be careful- especially those of you who are "country." (You know who you are!)

Anyone who's been on I-40 knows that North Carolina State Troopers do not play! Make sure your insurance is paid up too. And for god's sake, put those empty ~~beer~~ Sparks cans in the trash.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

In Need of Nad's

We know, we know! We promised our Spelling Bea (Arthur) participants that we'd put y'all on the internets, and we will. Just as soon as we get our camera battery recharged and cajole the pixels onto our computer. WE LOVED THE TURNOUT- thank you again!

Till then, rest your eyeballs on this in-CRED-ible video from the Nad's vault. Watch how the bearded lady pulls her "before Nad's" photos out of her blazer. We can't HELP but wonder what else she's got in there... (Maybe some Cheez-its?) Also great is the dramtic zoom close up of the host's reaction to the photos. The long pause she takes as she gazes at the horrific billy goat woman before her is some of the finest use of a pause in acting we've seen since Arrested Development. Sue, the Nad's inventor, is also there, smiling and looking totally stoned (like Paula!).

NAD'S AND PILLS!

LOST Finale: F for...

FLASH FORWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can see above, everyone on the Island was as shocked as we about this week's temporal inversion.

Other Points of Interest:

-Jack's Beard.

-Jack's father being dead but still working at the hospital.

-Russian Man proves yet again what everyone already knows about bad guys: YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE THEY'RE DEAD OR ELSE THEY WILL CRAWL INTO THE WATER AND BLOW YOU UP!

-Bai Ling seems to have dissapeared all together: Good Call.

-And well Jesus, it was two hours long, people. Just watch it on the internets and leave me alone!

PS: Spelling Bea (Arthur) pics coming soon!!!

Friday, May 25, 2007

Dear Greensboro...

THANK YOU FOR SPELLING!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

And The Tweens Shall Inherit The Summer (Jam)

So, on the heels of Lil Mama's immortal classic Lip Gloss (thank you Perez, but we had it first), I have found a couple new tracks that are bieng dropped just in time for Summer Jamz the world over.

Rhianna must have gotten tired of Ellen playing that damn song of hers everyday because she finally made A NEW ONE. It's called "Shut Up and Drive." This time around she seems to have taken Soft Cell back to the sample store and traded them in for Orgy. No shit ya'll. I couldn't believe it either, but it's fire. I had to change tank-tops twice!

And THIS SHIT made me question my sobriety when i not only saw and heard, but ENJOYED IT! Somehow Avril Lavigne took time off from makin my butt itch to recruit Lip Glossy Lil Mama to remix her POS anthem "Girlfriend." And the results.....I'm too embarrassed to share, but go to Idolator, take a listen, then decide for your self.

Then come to the Spelling Bea tonight and call me a sell out!

REEEEEEALLY Excited

We're really excited Jordin Sparks won. We always vote a straight Sparks ticket. The Idols Tour, sponsored by Pop Tarts, is coming to Greensboro on September 11th. Patriotism is still huge with the Idol producers- I think they're gonna shoot Sanjaya out of a cannon in honor of the blessed anniversary!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Da Brat's Quote of the Week

"If you hear us laughing, it's because you sound fucking retarded."

- Da Brat to Screech

This past Sunday's Celebrity Fit Club climbed even further up the tree of crazy. G-d bless Brat! Honorable mention goes to Harvey. (I would have dedicated a whole fucking BLOG to Harvey if he'd actually wore out Screech's ass as promised.)

"You must be out of your part-time cartoon mind!"

- Harvey to Screech

I hereby decree this group of fucked up people the BEST group of fucked up people on television!

Mary Jo Stoicly Clenches Bullet-Riddled Jaw at Latest Attempt by Amy Fisher to Fuck Her (ex) Husband

Wha wha? Amy Fisher is back with poofy pants man. A slap in the face to Mary Jo, to say the least! Read all about how they're, like, a week away from shopping for matching towels at Target.

Jump In...

to HypePipe's First Annual Citywide Spelling Bee!

The FlatIron

Thursday May 24th

8:30 pm

No registration necessary! (Though we are flattered that you might think us organized enough to have registration...)

There will be prizes of varying degrees of awesomeness. But the real prize is always knowing you did your best.

That, and negative paternity results.

Letters from Fred

This is Fred. And not only is he a published author and ex-marine, but he is also my dad. And if there's one thing my dad loves more than aaaaaanything in the whole world, it's going to the Carribbean on big big boats. I mean he just loves it! Does it all the time. It's great.

And one of the great things about being in the Tutwiler family is that everytime Fred goes to sea, those of us back home are treated to daily, colorful e-mails detailing his exploits. Sometimes these e-mails approach genius. And sometimes, just sometimes, they transcend genius and become hype.

I have excerpted below for you, dear readers, some of the best Letters from Fred. Enjoy!

"Made it through the trip into Veracruz. Whoa, what an experience. I went with chatty Anita. Oh my GOD what a freaking mistake that was! Whew! I will NEVER again make the mistake of going ashore alone with a bitchy yankee who thinks every-fucking-body in Mexico is out to rip her off. Fortunately, she will drink anything I put in front of her, so it was pretty easy to get her plastered enough that she just kind of sat there frowning and didn't say much. I took her out to the street at one point and told her to sit on the bench right across from the canal and not move till I got back. I gave her a Tecate, a sandwich from the deli and a bottle of water. I made sure she had her pool towel (she wanted to go to the beach, and bitched about it all day even though I TOLD the silly little twit that if she went with me there would be no beach). I told her, if she got bored, or if I forgot to come back, she should just hold her towel up to a cab driver so they could read 'Carnival' and they would know where to take her."

To get a full recap of Fred's most recent trip to Veracruz, click thru to the Greensborian!

Chris Daughtry Interview

This week, we asked Chris Daughtry about his wildest fantasy. His answer: a silky flowing fountain of pure RANCH DRESSING!

Here you go, Chris. Enjoy!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Freddie Got Fingered

WTF, was Cree Summer busy?

Magick for Midriff Baring Teens

But does it include Clearasil?

My Hope

My one singular and fervent hope is that I never have to go on a road trip with THIS GIRL!

Monday, May 21, 2007

And speaking of spells...

Thats rite! Grensboro's very own blog of record will be hosting it's anual Speling Bea this comming Thursday at the cities most luxsurious bar, The Flat Iron! And the best part is....

Its absolootley frea!!!!!

Al you have to do is show up somwhat sober and redy for some hott spelling ackshun. (We cant rull out the posibillitie of some hott spell ackshun ethier!)

What: HypePipe First Ever City Wide Spelling Bee!

Who: Cedrerictrick Blanewiler

Where: The Flat Iron

When: Thursday, May 24, 8:30 PM until

Why: the fuck not?

How much: NADA!

When Tyra's Just Not Enough

If there are two things we are unqualifiedly batty about here at the Pipe, they are: 1) magick spells and 2) helping people. Thus dear readers, enjoy, free of charge:

A Glamour Spell

You need: one or more pink candles, a handheld mirror, love oil.

“Dress” candles in love oil. Next light the candles & stare deeply into the mirror. Visualize the change you want. Recite this incantation aloud:

"Sacred flame, as you dance/
Call upon my sacred glance.
Call upon my second sight/
Give me GLAMOUR With your light.
Blessed flame, shining bright/
Give me now my second sight.
Power of three, let them
see, let them see"

Last Week's Lost = M for Meh

We were not impressed! Granted, everyone knows that the episode before the season finale serves only to set up the season finale and is never really interesting in and of itself, but still...

The rundown:

-Cheesy Charlie keeps having totally cheesy flashbacks about his cheesy life working in the cheese factory.

-Claire, ignoring the fact that Charlie is a drug addict and set the camp on fire and kidnapped Sun and almost drowned her baby, finally gives him ~~herpes~~ a kiss.

-Blabbadyblah blabbedyblah the Others are coming.

-Finally, a water level!

We're Offended

Get This Man A Teenage Girl, STAT!

Apparently over the weekend, America's favorite foreign director to ban from the country and give Academy Awards to (Roman Polanski) walked out of a press conference during the Cannes Film Festival. Were people asking about the pedophilia charges he fled the US to avoid? No. Where they questioning the validity of him winning an Oscar for "The Pianist?” No. Did they call his mamma ugly? I don't think so.

He fled the press conference because he was Bored! He told the press that they were stupid and that their questions were hollow and then he blamed the internet and stormed out.

I'm not sure why yet, but I'm pretty sure this is gonna be my favorite Art-Tantrum of May 2007! The whole tirade was even in French! Nothing could have been more appropriate.

Witchin's a Hangin' Error, AND WE LOVE IT!

We don't love hanging, but we love witching! We watched The Crucible this weekend and it is so filled with screaming and bitch-slapping, that it could easily be mistaken for an episode of Springer. Good G-d, it was enough to make us want to start our own coven, but more about that later. Here are 7 things we love about The Crucible.

1. The movie opens with dancing in the woods. It's kind of like Pocahontas meets LSD freak-out.

2. Winona's Abigail Proctor stops dancing only to smash a chicken against a rock and wipe blood all over herself. (Cedric will expand upon Ryder's similarities to Lisa Bonet and her Cosby-killing role in Angel Heart.)

3. A little pilgrim girl tries to jump out of a window and Winona slaps her so hard we had to rewind it! (It's only ten minutes into the film and already you could mistake it for Angel Dusted. Maybe all these girls are like Helen Hunt- high on PCP!)

4. Enter Daniel Day-Lewis, hottest thing ever to wear poofy pilgrim pants!

5. Fifth thing we love about The Crucible? People getting called "whore." Not people really, just Winona's character. And Daniel Day-Lewis's John Proctor keeps inventing new ways to call her one. Examples: "WHORE! How do you call heaven?" and "It is a whore's vengeance, and you must see it." and "She is a whore!"

6. There are at least a million and three scenes of people getting carted around in wagons with their hands clapped in irons. And feet in old-timey pilgrim shoes swinging around from the gallows. (Almost like Dancer in the Dark- was Bjork a witch?) And people proclaiming their innocence. ("I, sir, am innocent to a witch. I know not what a witch is.") And girls screaming that they are getting pricked with needles and dry humped by the devil in the middle of the night.

7. The last and final thing we love about The Crucible? IT'S IN FUCKIN SALEM! We knew it was dangerous to go to Winston-Salem. It turns out that you can get accused of witchcraft and hung by Winona Ryder if you go there and she convinces all the teenage girls to smoke PCP-laced doobies.

How did Daniel Day-Lewis prepare for his role in The Crucible?

He must have watched Sigourney Weaver in Alien Resurrection.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

))<>((

If you haven't seen You, Me, and Everyone We Know, this clip is like the Cliffs Notes. It's charged with pathos and humor- and POOP! It's the weekend, watch tv and raise hell!

Friday, May 18, 2007

Fuck High Point, We Want Furniture from SWEDEN

We don't know what's been happening lately in wood-paneled chambers of the Greensboro City Council and other places that get broadcast on channels 3 and 13, but SOMETHING is going down over a big patch of empty real estate near the Coliseum. The spot that used to be Canada Dry Bottling is empty and ripe for development!

Usually, we don't give two squirts of duck shit (or even one!) about local politics and landgrabs and such trifles, but big chunks of space going up for sale get us REAL EXCITED. They awaken the latent dreams within us for a better, more awesome city. Greensboro needs so many things to make it livable- we don't know if there are enough shopping centers slated for bulldozing to accommodate our splendid and expansive vision! (Nordstrom, Neiman Marcus, French Connection, H&M, freestanding Cinnabon with drive-thru, etc.)

If it is indded being sold, there is only one moral and proper thing to do.

IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA IKEA

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Gay Bomb

Newly released docs indicate that during the mid-90s, a time for all sorts of good ideas, the military was considering a new kind of bomb- A GAY BOMB!

Drop it on the next Southern Baptist Convention meeting. Let queer acceptance rain down like coffee in Portland!

America's Next Top Robot

Michael Jackson, birth father of Blanket and two other very life-like mammalian creatures, is gonna build a FUCKIN' ROBOT in the FUCKIN' DESERT!

I know. You're thinking, wait this sounds crazy- he's going to build a giant robot in the desert? Doesn't he have legal bills to pay, a custody battle with a crazy British party girl to settle, children with cancer to save and/or molest? Don't worry, it all makes sense.

It's going to be a 50 foot replica of himself. It's going to roam around the sandy deserts surrounding Las Vegas, just molesting and shooting lasers at everything it sees. See, it's not that crazy when you know the facts.

HypePipe: Greensboro's Drug of Choice

So, yet again the the Mainstream Media has bowed to the undeniable influence of the new media impresarios. This week's GoTriad! (which we at the Pipe hold in most vaunted esteem) is replete with Hypery:

"She noticed I needed comic relief and suggested I check out a blog by some fellow Greensborians — The Hype Pipe, which had helped her in similar times of feeling down and helpless. So, I checked it out and watched the video 'Pals' on the blog, a pieced-together short film of silly 20-somethings in Greensboro being ridiculous and having a good time. Just like she promised, I felt a sigh of comic relief come over me, and when she left I felt a newfound sense of determination."

Sue Edelberg, GoTriad!'s senior new media correspondent is obviously a huge fan, but her article begs the question: "Where are Greensboro's other weekly independent publications?"

The Rhino Times is perhaps a lost cause, and we wouldn't want to be lauded by Nazis anyway. But from Yes! Weekly, we expected more. Thus, obviously, all of our readers must write a letter to the editors of Yes! Weekly (and The Rhino Times, if you feel like it) and tell them how much you craaaaaave in-depth coverage of local area blogs. It would be much appreciated.

And here's an encore presentation of PALS since there will no doubt be a veritable stampede of GoTriad! readers trying to scope it out. I just hope Blogger has enough bandwidth to handle it...

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Tweet, Y'all!

The bird hat is back like recurrent eye infection! We are kinda getting used to it- tweet tweet, y'all.

Here We Are

Here's some footage of the HypePipe contributors. Watch them dance!

You can study and practice at home. Watching YouTube is how we learned to dance- and you can too!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Paula and Her Krazy Eyes

Although watching American Idle provides the occasional frisson of seeing Paulina totally lose her shit (moth and the melon) , sometimes it is the little things that make it all worthwhile.

Tonight Paula had the crazy eyes workin' overtime!

"Jordin" (left, right, left right) "you did a greeeeat" (left, right, left, right) "job!" (left, right, left) "And tonight" (left, right) "was a strong night" (left) "for you." (left, right, left, right)

Jesus Took the Wheel

You can read a story here about how Mr. Falwell took a gay to court and lost in the days when he walked this earth. Rest in peace, sweet Jerry. Fare thee well. Bonne nuit, mon ange!

Say "hey" to ~~Anna Nicole~~ Saddam Hussein for us!

Newt Gingrich: Still a Huge Ass

Even with a broken ankle (does this bitch rock climb or something?) Diane Rehm is going to kick Newt Gingrich's ass!

Now there are many many reasons one might want to do that, but Mrs. Rehm has a special one: the motherfucker HUNG UP ON HER during an interview on her show.

...

I'm just as shocked as you. Honestly! Hung up! On Diane Rehm!

Ever the graceful dame, Diane had only this to say,

"I am most dissapointed, in fact I am angry because we were told that we would talk about his book, we would talk about issues before the public. I'm just going to open the phones. But I must say people have asked me before, do you ever get angry? I'm angry now because we were told Speaker Gingrich would be on the full hour."

The callers were not so gracious though, and Newt was given a thorough public tongue lashing in absentia. Listen for yourself, the action begins around minute 33. And when you're through, we'll talk about getting together that lynch mob, lest this villain be allowed to commit such perfidy against our good, decent women again!

If the Lesbian Gangs Don't Get Her

If she's not ripped limb from limb by lesbian prison gangs, as predicted by this week's Star Magazine, Paris Hilton is sure to be the source of her own demise sooner or later. (DUH!) The drunk driving dumbass is depicted in a sculpture getting all cut up (cocktail in hand- yeah!) in a fantastical artist's rendering of her autopsy. Her death, not surprisingly, is imagined as the result of a margarita-fueled Bentley smash up. (Aw, we were kinda hoping for "shiv in the ribs"...)

Does Tinkerbell know that she's got the herp?

What is the best part of this whole project? It's for the shorties! The artist wants to educate tweens about the dangers of being a racist, drunk driving, no-talent skidmark on the underpants of society. Click here to visit the webiste where you can write Paris's obituary. It's a contest! We're not sure what the prize is, but we only enter contests where the prize is a Personal Pan Pizza.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Why I'm Sometimes Embarrassed to Be Gay

Paris Hilton is heading to jail, arguably the most "important" celebrity related news going right now, but the Interweb's Gayest Little Piggie has still made no mention of it. So, it's okay to call Clair Danes a horse (I know, right!) but Paris is off limits? Cockfucker! I know it's beneath me, but I truly hate this man:

So many of us are trying to do good work here in the Internet and then this little tart goes and gives the whole operation a bad name.

So who want's to start a boycotting campaign? Alexa Ray Joel....I'm looking in you're direction...

Tribute to Mommas

Today's post is a tribute to mommas everywhere. Please give a warm HypePipe welcome to The Counterfeit Judds, a (drag) Judds tribute band. A beautiful, beautiful (and mannish) tribute to both Naomi and Wynonna and to pleather dress suits.

Wardrobe: Shiny Fashionz House, Hair: Lori Davis

(I wonder if Candy and Darla have eating disorders and drug problems, just like the real Judds!)

Last Night's Show at the Flat = G for GLOSSY

Last night was smoky, boozy, and GLOSSY. Photos (fun with sombreros) and interviews (nonsequiturs and nonsense) shall be posted soon! We love Blank Blank the more we hear them, we got our fruits all embarrassed (mostly when a certain HypePipe contributor loudly sexually harrassed the bassist of EF), and we met people who share our love of lip gloss.

And because we love it so much, we give you an encore posting of LIP GLOSS!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Remembrances of Burritos Past...

Wicked Burrito, I had forgotten all about you.

Of all the burrito huts on Franklin Street you were the most fucked up of all!

Your burritos were so good! Your employees were so FUCKING HIGH!

I'm gonna try to SMOKE this receipt- it's probably made of weeeeeeed.

Fuckin Squirrels

So it has just come to my attention that squirrels are the new plague. Anyone who knows me knows of my July 4th altercation with a black squirrel in DC that sent me home with a fat lip and no wallet.

But more than I hate these creature I hate spelling the word "squirrel." Because the spelling, much like the animal makes NO DAMN SENSE!

So that is all that I have to say about that!

-ps- Many thanks to David for the tip.

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