HypePipe: June 2007

Saturday, June 30, 2007

The Lecternette- A Spelling Bea's Best Friend

Hi, I'm Joan. International Spelling Bee Officiant and Certified Word Docent. Wherever I go, Lecternette goes. We've been all over the country! From the exciting Southern Ohio Kentuckiana Regionals, to the Wichita Championship Spell-Off and Breast Cancer Dance-a-thon. Lecternette keeps the crowd excited about spelling- I'm so lucky to be doing God's work! Well, I've got a plane to catch. It's back to Orlando for the Kissimmee St. Cloud city finals. See you at the next bee!

Friday, June 29, 2007

Paris Hates Drugs Like She Hates Showing Her Tits

After denying repeatedly to Larry King and Oprah and Kelly Ripa and G-d that she has ever so much as looked at a drug...

Photos emerge of Paris. Doing drugs. ALL OVER TOWN. Like they are fuckin' going out of style. Check out photos at the EvilBeet. There's even one of Paris in an elevator, sparking it up! (Girl, you know you can't do that shit in a classy place like the Hampton Inn.)

WE THINK SHE SHOT UP THOSE JOINTS WITH PCP!!!!! (at least we hope she did)

Baby Donkey Explains Our Technical Difficulties in Posting Embedded Clips from CBS

Thank U Greensboro Word Supporters!

Last night's SECOND EVER HypePipe Spelling Bea (Arthur) was, we will daringly proclaim, a bigger, bolder, more flavorful event than the last one! Thank u for spelling and spectating- we love you. And to show our appreciation (cause you know those photos won't be up for at least another year or two) we give you a very special treat.

An EMBEDDED clip of the upcoming CBS show, and our new reason for staying alive (and out of jail!):

KID NATION!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Last Call Y'all

You know what I'm talkin bout...

Be there or be Brittney Spears' Publicist!

We Thought Witchcraft was Already Kinda Gay...

What kind of spells do you think are in here?

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Maybe Paris Will Help Us!

Today we unionize Raleigh, and tomorrow we SHUT GREENSBORO THE FUCK DOWN! Right after the Spelling Bea (Arthur). ...and So You Think You Can Dance.

"Bus People" are "People" Too!

We soiled ouRselves (WITH ANGER) a little earlier when reading this article!

HOW DARE ANYONE (INCLUDING YOU NORTH RALEIGH) TELL US POOR PEOPLE WE CAN'T TAKE THE FUCKING BUS TO TARGET!!!!!

We're gonna take out this anger on another viewing of the preview for Kid Nation!

It's time for somebody to call Billie Jean's Ass!

"For RIGHT IS RIGHT!"

If You Liked "Purple Rain"

Then you'll probably feel REALLY awkward watching the preview below for Prince's epic masterpiece, "Grafitti Bridge." It's pretty much the exact same film as purple rain. HOWEVER, in this version of essentially the same story, Prince rocks a blow-out/bangs combo that rivals that of any early to mid 90's prom queen.

enjoymyfutureloveasyouviewthisclipfromthepast

-beWild

It Takes a Nation of TWEENS to Hold us Back

Did we ever think that the tweens would NOT take over the world?
Oh they are going to, and they are going to start this fall on CBS with KID NATION!!!!!

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/fall_preview_2007/

Click on the link to the fall preview schedule, then click on the box that says "Kid Nation." Be sure you have at least 5 minutes and sound to watch the whole preview. You want to be able to hear those tweens breaking down- especially the laundry scene. "That's not soap- it's butter!"

It's like Lord of the Flies- I really think they're gonna murder that prissy girl that looks like a mini-Terri Hatcher.

I think the whole show counts as child abuse, but then again, isn't abuse the very foundation of good reality tv?

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

She's Coming Children.........

Japanese Hipsters, African Coffee

When I read about AWESOME coffee in superbly designed containers, all I can do is AGREE, and wonder why Bono didn't try to sell coffee and tea instead of damn red cell phones and iPods.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Update on the Future!

This Sunday's NY Times proclaimed the death of the eye-infection-like sparrow and owl design motifs (and those of pretty much all woodland creatures) and pointed us to the future of hipster-created and inspired design.

And the future is spelled S _ Q _ U _ I _ D !

Get a tattoo before some bold Brooklynite steals your idea. Squids for '07!

More Future-Telling:

Band posters...

Then t-shirts (Old Navy by late 2008?) and jewelry...

Then Oprah! She'll help squids take over the world!

"Rent" is for Old People!

Because the new musical, Spring Awakening makes that shit look like "Cocoon!"

Below is a video of lesbotronic juggernaut, Rosie O'Donnell introducing the cast singing "Touch Me," a song from the show that drips with so much ooey gooey teen angst, that My So Called Life called and asked for it's attitude back!

Enjoy!

Austin Returns from Disney Land, but WHERE IN THE WORLD IS KIMBERLY VAN SCOY?

On an private yacht tour of the Greek Islands?

BREAKING NEWS: Local Weathrman Finally Allowed to Go Home!

Perhaps it was last night's thunder that brought back weatherman Austin Caviness back from his 8-month long vacation break. Regardless there is one man who couldn't possibly be happier. That man is none only but the everlasting gobstoper of local news and weather,

This POOR MAN was forced to host every damn segment of morning news from Monday thru Sunday! And he STILL had to predict the weather evryday! Finally this weak soul was allowed to go home and rest his sexy, weary bones after the WXII morning news team finally all got back from vacation to do their own damn jobs!

Congratulations B-Slo! Here's to you!

Home Made Accents and Tiny Miracles!

The clip below speaks for itself. Press play and just let the self-importance wash over you like a cool summer breeze!

Enjoy!

PS- Thank you to Kiki for lighting up my life with this clip!

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Everyone Has a Long-Lost British Cousin

And we finally found ours!

They are super-hip pop outfit "La Frange" which is French for, what else, BANGS! Patrick, even though he's in France sniffing lavender and eating cheeses we've never even heard of, found them in some sort of cybersearch. We don't have the DNA test results yet, but we're pretty sure that La Frange are our cousins. (But we still wanna make out with them...) Tearful reunion on Montel coming soon!

They rock out wearing the latest striped shirt maritime Francophile fashion...

They make life more magickal for hipsters...

And they love Rene Magritte!

We say: OUI!

TF1

Along with wine and blowjobs, perhaps the most bestest thing that France ever made is TF1, one of the, like, four TV channels they have over here. Now for sure, to any redblooded American, four channels sounds like some kinda crazy shari'a bullshit, but trust me, with TV like TF1 you don't even need cable.

Regardez!

First off, Evelyne Dheliat is the sexiest weather person in the world. For reals. Even moreso than America's sexiest weather person, Sam Champion:

For more from TF1, cliquer ici!

Friday, June 22, 2007

BREAKING NEWS- Jackée Loves Morningstar Farms Spicy Black Bean Burgers

Oh, and 227- The Complete First Season is now available. Rejoice!

Perez Hilton Gettin' Fucked in the Ass

Sort of!

Read the latest news about our least favorite hate-o-rade swilling blogger! His BFF is the worst human being on earth, what else do we have to say?

Reese Witherspoon's Chin Defies Mathematical Explanation (and Probably Logic)

Reese's chin makes watching "Walk the Line" damn near impossible. (Thanks Emily for pointing it out- I think I have gone insane!) Her chin shoulda got that Oscar! That chin is so BIG and yet so tiny at the same time. Does it exist in four dimensions? Five? How is this possible?

Clearly, she is a witch!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Calling All Freakaleeks

Dance, frolic, and worship the SUN. Get your pagan hippie wicca on...

Don't Fall In...

A Harris Teeter dumpster is a veritable smorgasbord!

Dumpster diving pops up in today's New York Times. If eating garbage floats your boat, then dive right in. You might even find a perfectly good newborn baby!

Bring some tupperware and your own bandana (napkin) to my Impeach Bush Freegan Feast. There will be vegan cupcakes and PBR!

Keepin' it Country

HypePipe would like to take a moment to honor two

very special North Carolinians for "Keepin' it Country."

Click here to see the winners!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Guy Who Plays Mr. Belvedere Fan Club

For the true fans!

Dubai is Doing Some Really Good Drugs

Now we know why Anna Nicole, dear sweet angel, wanted to go there! The city of Dubai, world capital of luxury, is HIGH on some crazy drugs, like all of the time. An architect has proposed building this crazy drug-inspired building, dubbed "The Cloud." It's a 300 meter tall building, perched in the air on a bunch of Nicole Richie-like legs. Sounds safe, right? It has yet to be built (they probably will have to import even more cheap labor and abuse the shit out of some human rights to get it done) but you couldn't pay us to go up in that thing. Not even if we had to use the bathroom. Really bad.

(Thanks Puddin' for the tip!)

Wild and Crazy Kids

I now know what Tweens do when they're not dressing inappropriately for their age, sucking down Sunny Delight, or controlling 68% of our nation's GDP.

THEY BLOG!

Not in the traditional sense of the word, but by reviewing albums of other Tweens on Amazon. Here's one of the more nuanced appraisals of young Aaron Carter:

Anyway, this CD is far from the best I've heard, but it works great if you're kid around 5 to 10 years old. Aaron had a cute voice back then, but he and his music has matured and grown away from this album. If you are an Aaron-fan, you probably bought this record long ago. For right now, he's working on his 6th album "Saturday Night" - sorry, can't help it! I am excited!

Bored at work? There are 222 more to read! Yea for TWEEEENS!!!!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Noooo, I Don't Want to Do Anger!

I knew from Cedric's postings on the Shar Jackson vehicle, The Ex-Wives Club, that it would be worth a casual viewing or two. But I had NO IDEA what insane ridi-ka-lusness Ex-Wives actually was until I saw last night's show. Divorcee and sassy 40-year old, Lynn, went to an anger therapy session, which from what I gather, is a room full of people screaming "I hate you" at the top of their lungs. There were at least fifty old chickens in blind folds screaming and crying and going FETAL! I really want to have one at my next dinner party.

A typical Anger Session with life coach, Debbie Ford:

(Also, the CGI effects the producers added to the scene where Angie blew up Lynn's boat were sooooo fake- just like Shar's friendship with Lynn. Watch it- they'll do the same shit next week, but maybe with a man and some man-crying!)

It's Coming...

Calling all EVERYBODY!

Turn off your spell check and start practicing. The SECOND EVER HypePipe Spelling Bea (Arthur) is on the way! Stay tuned for details. And tighten your Depends- we wouldn't want you to pee your pants with excitement!

Monday, June 18, 2007

Wasn't That Girl in Your Homeroom?

Yes! She was always getting out of class for being pregnant. She was a real sweet girl. I would do her math homework and she would always give me cigarettes. Remember how she dated all those weird older guys? I heard she's on drugs now. Sad!

P.S. FROM THE FUTURE!!!!!

Also, I accidentally erased everything in my iPod, which sucks so hard. But you can help me dear readers! Send all the hottest new mp3s that you know I just can't live without to my new, sexy, fracophonic addresse mel: le.patrick@gmail.com! Hopefully I'll get enough by week's end that I can make a new playlist and give Cedric's Fat Girl Mix a rest...

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Diarrhea Milkshake

As we mentioned earlier, Sunday's finale episode of Celebrity Fit Club was so very very raw. It didn't even have any cheese or bun to speak of- just several heavy pounds of raw, red BEEF. Until we can manage a proper post, read this!

Ladies and Gentleman: TWEETIE!

As we were waiting for Sunday's explosively nuclear finale of Celebrity Fit Club (post to come as soon as possible- it was so RAW, it's gonna take a few days to digest if it doesn't give us E. coli and fucking kill us!), we found TWEETIE, the newest coreographer to the masses and host of what might be (yet another) New Favorite Show. First MTV gave us Laguna Beach Seasons 1-3, and now they have given us a whole show of poppin', lockin', and droppin'. And the show is called...

Seriously, this show is so good. It will probably defeat the terrorists. The only societal ill this show could create is more misappropriation of the word "hood" by people who just shouldn't be sayin' it like that. (Yes, white girl, we're talking about you who calls your cell phone "ghetto" when you can't get it to work!)

Our girl Tweetie breaks down all the "new" dances. And by new, we mean newly uploaded to YouTube. (YouTube is how we learned to dance. We are so glad this has reached critical mass.) Click over to the show to see the "Lip Gloss!" The debut episode also includes the Toe Wop and the Aunt Jackie- yes, yes, and YES! Just be sure if you watch this show you str-e-e-e-t-ch properly and wear plenty of GLOSS.

Dear FryDaddy® ,

I'm so glad that you're not a piece of shit. Thank you for always buying me a new toothbrush for Christmas and for taking me to all those Indian Princess meetings. I have such warm memories of stringing beads and talking about how I would probably not get into a good college! You'll never know how much I appreciate all you have done for me over the years, like that time you picked me up from the police station when I faked my own kidnapping. Also, do you remember the time we went to the zoo, but it turned out to not be the zoo but the alley behind that Pizza Hut? Also it turned out that the "meerkats" were really rats- do you remember? My oh my that was fun. Thanks for all the memories. I love you!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Have a Good Weekend

at Bernies!

Bonjour FROM THE FUTURE!!!!!!!!!

So in case you didn't know, the reason the French are so fashionable is because they live in the future. Six hours in the future. Which is enough time to steal all the hottest trends and keep them for themselves. Fucking French people.

Anyway, when last we talked I was in New York, non? Well, I ditched that place stat and made my way, via discunt airline, to a place not so far in the future as France and consequently not as fashionable, yet still far enough in the future to think wearing black socks all the time is cool. Namely, Liverpool. And let me tell you, if you think you got a tween problem back in Amuhrica you ain't seen nothing. This place is infested!

To read the rest of Patrick's travel log and see all his sexxxy pictures, Cliquer ici!

Friday, June 15, 2007

Feist Up Your Ass

We can't even tell you, dear readers, how happy it makes us to see HYPE PIPE in print. Even if it's not in Yes Weekly (holla, bishes).

And we also can't tell you how much we loved seeing Feist! She rocked our buttholes, as promised and our hands are essentially raw from clapping so much. The haircuts and tight pants on Greene Street were enough to make us think we were in Carrboro but we're too lazy and illiterate to leave Guilford County, so we knew we were still in the G-spot. Here are some tips for attending future shows at Carolina Theatre, the pride of Greensboro.

How to Attend a Concert at Carolina Theatre:

Drink beer

Sit as close to the front as you can, even if it's not
your assigned seat, until a music docent asks you to leave

Shake your fist and growl loudly if anyone asks you to leave your seat
(YOUR ass was there first, don't give up without a fight)

Drink beer in your seat, it's allowed!

Bounce up and down in your seat

Talk about everyone else at the concert/show

When it is quiet, yell out that you want to hump a member of the band

Clap and scream like you have a piece of raw ginger in your ass

Go to the bathroom during songs you don't like as much

And above all- rock out with your GREENSBORO out

Fuckin FriDaYE!

So my day got off to a BAD start….

+ I Missed TWO buses (which means that although I woke up at 6:45 I was still an hour late to work were I should have been in at 8).

+I was reprimanded by the driver of the bus for stepping over the yellow line prematurely before my departure.

+I checked my bank account to realize that I had approximately $1.78 to my name (which I spent $1.33 of on coffy because I left my home brew at my fuckin house).

+AND I thought that I had pink eye when I woke up.

But then I found this clip of some chick’s cousin “hip rollin” to the Adina Howard/Jamie Foxx classic “T-shirt and My Panties On.” Now things are starting to look up for 'ol ckb2!

BREAKING NEWS- White Ladies in Hats Cure Breast Cancer!

Finally!

You Can Do ANYTHING!

Miss Universe, formerly Miss Japan, wants to be on NBC's Heroes. You can do anything if you believe in yourself! Even be on Heroes! Aim high, bitch: aim high.

In a related story, Miss Brazil has struck a deal with Dove, our favorite soap and lotion pushers. She will be endorsing SELF-ESTEEM! Even a second place piece of veal can glow with radiant self-love.

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)