Witchin's a Hangin' Error, AND WE LOVE IT!
We don't love hanging, but we love witching! We watched The Crucible this weekend and it is so filled with screaming and bitch-slapping, that it could easily be mistaken for an episode of Springer. Good G-d, it was enough to make us want to start our own coven, but more about that later. Here are 7 things we love about The Crucible.
1. The movie opens with dancing in the woods. It's kind of like Pocahontas meets LSD freak-out.
2. Winona's Abigail Proctor stops dancing only to smash a chicken against a rock and wipe blood all over herself. (Cedric will expand upon Ryder's similarities to Lisa Bonet and her Cosby-killing role in Angel Heart.)
3. A little pilgrim girl tries to jump out of a window and Winona slaps her so hard we had to rewind it! (It's only ten minutes into the film and already you could mistake it for Angel Dusted. Maybe all these girls are like Helen Hunt- high on PCP!)
4. Enter Daniel Day-Lewis, hottest thing ever to wear poofy pilgrim pants!
5. Fifth thing we love about The Crucible? People getting called "whore." Not people really, just Winona's character. And Daniel Day-Lewis's John Proctor keeps inventing new ways to call her one. Examples: "WHORE! How do you call heaven?" and "It is a whore's vengeance, and you must see it." and "She is a whore!"
6. There are at least a million and three scenes of people getting carted around in wagons with their hands clapped in irons. And feet in old-timey pilgrim shoes swinging around from the gallows. (Almost like Dancer in the Dark- was Bjork a witch?) And people proclaiming their innocence. ("I, sir, am innocent to a witch. I know not what a witch is.") And girls screaming that they are getting pricked with needles and dry humped by the devil in the middle of the night.
7. The last and final thing we love about The Crucible? IT'S IN FUCKIN SALEM! We knew it was dangerous to go to Winston-Salem. It turns out that you can get accused of witchcraft and hung by Winona Ryder if you go there and she convinces all the teenage girls to smoke PCP-laced doobies.
How did Daniel Day-Lewis prepare for his role in The Crucible?
He must have watched Sigourney Weaver in Alien Resurrection.
