Not Tryin' to Put the Rush on Obama

dear barbara-

hey! I have a HUGE crush on this guy. He's running for PRESIDANT. At the end of the last school year i decided that i REALLY liked him. It is summer now and i really miss him. Me and my best friend sat with him and 3 of his other guy friends at lunch outside. I used to bring him these cookies because he loved them and he was always like o my god i love you for bringing him cookies and stuff. I really dont know if he likes me or what. All i know is that i am totally in love with him.

sincerely,

o.b.amaGIRLinterruptd

Dear GIRL-

First off, stop flashing your drawers. If you're having trouble keeping your clothes on, perhaps you are high on PCP, in which case you should see a chiropractor immediately. And have you considered taking that unfunny shit bomb off of Youtube? Watching it makes my butt hurt. And as for your question about this fellow you have a crush on, I don't think that he is impressed with your outrageously slut-tastical behavior. At all. I'm certainly not. Hussy.

Good luck!

Barbara

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Paris Hates Drugs Like She Hates Showing Her Tits

After denying repeatedly to Larry King and Oprah and Kelly Ripa and G-d that she has ever so much as looked at a drug...

Photos emerge of Paris. Doing drugs. ALL OVER TOWN. Like they are fuckin' going out of style. Check out photos at the EvilBeet. There's even one of Paris in an elevator, sparking it up! (Girl, you know you can't do that shit in a classy place like the Hampton Inn.)

WE THINK SHE SHOT UP THOSE JOINTS WITH PCP!!!!! (at least we hope she did)

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Witchin's a Hangin' Error, AND WE LOVE IT!

We don't love hanging, but we love witching! We watched The Crucible this weekend and it is so filled with screaming and bitch-slapping, that it could easily be mistaken for an episode of Springer. Good G-d, it was enough to make us want to start our own coven, but more about that later. Here are 7 things we love about The Crucible.

1. The movie opens with dancing in the woods. It's kind of like Pocahontas meets LSD freak-out.

2. Winona's Abigail Proctor stops dancing only to smash a chicken against a rock and wipe blood all over herself. (Cedric will expand upon Ryder's similarities to Lisa Bonet and her Cosby-killing role in Angel Heart.)

3. A little pilgrim girl tries to jump out of a window and Winona slaps her so hard we had to rewind it! (It's only ten minutes into the film and already you could mistake it for Angel Dusted. Maybe all these girls are like Helen Hunt- high on PCP!)

4. Enter Daniel Day-Lewis, hottest thing ever to wear poofy pilgrim pants!

5. Fifth thing we love about The Crucible? People getting called "whore." Not people really, just Winona's character. And Daniel Day-Lewis's John Proctor keeps inventing new ways to call her one. Examples: "WHORE! How do you call heaven?" and "It is a whore's vengeance, and you must see it." and "She is a whore!"

6. There are at least a million and three scenes of people getting carted around in wagons with their hands clapped in irons. And feet in old-timey pilgrim shoes swinging around from the gallows. (Almost like Dancer in the Dark- was Bjork a witch?) And people proclaiming their innocence. ("I, sir, am innocent to a witch. I know not what a witch is.") And girls screaming that they are getting pricked with needles and dry humped by the devil in the middle of the night.

7. The last and final thing we love about The Crucible? IT'S IN FUCKIN SALEM! We knew it was dangerous to go to Winston-Salem. It turns out that you can get accused of witchcraft and hung by Winona Ryder if you go there and she convinces all the teenage girls to smoke PCP-laced doobies.

How did Daniel Day-Lewis prepare for his role in The Crucible?

He must have watched Sigourney Weaver in Alien Resurrection.

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