Breaking News- Martha Stewart Wants to Get You Wasted!

Martha is joining a long list of celebrities who have decided that, yes, because they have shitloads of money, naturally, they should be making wine.

She's been too busy stomping grapes to contribute much in the way of quality content to her website. How else do you explain this?

A diarrhea costume for baby!

Or this:

Gobble gobble- who wants a drumstick?

Click here for more POINTLESSLY food-themed baby costumes. They will make you cry and laugh and have a seizure.

One of these days (i.e. when we get the SCRAM anklets removed) we'll do a celebrity wine tasting. Or, we'll just drink a bunch of Yeungling and fall asleep before the pizza arrives. No, but really, it'd be sweet if we actually tasted the wine that these celebrities have been pumping out and reported on it. But just in case we don't actually do it, here are our reviews anyway (based on our keen 6th sense of what celebrity wine probably tastes like).

Barry Manilow Pinot Grigio- Mandy's hair, Mandy's farts, notes of pine and ambrosia salad

Dan Aykroyd Chardonnay- oak, cat pee, Mountain Mist Febreze

Olivia Newton John Sauvignon Blanc- inside of roller skates from Xanadu

Vince Neil Merlot- chocolate, toast, burning tires, nuclear fallout, lip gloss, mitochondrial DNA

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Bush it, Bush it Real Good

Our favorite celebrity news ho, Billy Bush, is once, twice, three times a genius.

From Wikipedia: "He landed the first interview with Britney Spears' first husband, Jason Allen Alexander in Kentwood, Louisiana after bringing a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich to his home as a gift." For the record, we would let Old Scratch himself in if he had an ultimate ham biscuit from Biscuitville.

There are SO many things Billy Bush could bring an end to if he were sent around the world with a blue U.N. helment and a sack o' biscuits!!!! Here are just a few:

- Al Qeada
- Lower back pain
- Nickelback concerts
- Winston-Salem
- Carrot Top
- Actors and actresses using the dark arts to record and release albums
- Clumpy mascara
- North Raleigh shopping center developers
- Human trafficking cartels
- Panda bears

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File Under "Why the Hell is This Chick Famous?"

We were thinking about Maya Angelou earlier today, as we are wont to do when the weather is sultry and we are drinking wine. And it dawned on us that, yes, Maya may indeed know why the caged bird sings, but we still

HAVE NO IDEA WHY THIS CHICK IS FAMOUS!

OK, she is on MTV's The Hills, but that doesn't really help us. That crazy show is almost as confusing as the (air quotes here) "fame" of Heidi Montag herself. From what we gather, The Hills is about hollywood, white girls who have both unpaid internships and huge apartments, and the same white girls talking shit about their best friends. And shoes!

Not surprisingly, Heidi is gonna do what every F-List celebrity with a new pair of tits and a matching (i.e. outsize) sense of entitlement does: RECORD AN ALBUM. It's true. And it's gonna be slutty! According to wikipedia, it's going to be "very fun, fresh, sexy . . . the Pussycat Dolls-meets-Gwen Stefani, with a dose of Fergie" and a lot of her songs "will be very sexual." dUh!

Heidi M. also works with this charity for poor kids n' stuff:

Yes, the Bony Pony Ranch. According to their website, it's the personal project of a very humble and modest Los Angeles plastic surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan:

One million dollar Chili's gift card to the person who can correctly guess who filled Ms. Montag's upper half with silicone!

(Post Script: PARIS HILTON is on the board of this wacky celebri-tastical charity. Yikes...)

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Unifying Theory of Everything

It's coming soon! We're going to have to watch a lot of E! and drink a lot of Sparks before it's ready for public consumption, let alone public digestion.

Until then, click here.

Then scroll down to see HILARY DUFF as a



full...



on...



WITCH!

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