Last Night's Heroes: Two Thumbs Up

This week Cedric was nonplussed but Patrick still found plenty to write about. In any event, both have joined a cult devoted to the worship of Nathan Petrelli's hair. What more could one ask for from a prime-time half-hour drama? Allow us to recapitulate...

-Molly has two daddies! Molly has two daddies! Molly has two daddies!

-Ooooo, who's hotter, Sweaty Wife Beater Sylar or Non-Gel Hair Nathan Petrelli? So HARD!

-We love cousins! We also love how Heroes is weighing in on the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Cousin Monica may have been disapointed by her FEMA trailer, but that's not gonna stop her from applying for the REGIONAL MANAGMENT TRAINING PROGRAM at the McDonald's where she works. Now if only the whole Gulf Coast would follow her example...

-Claire is so much smarter and wiser than she was last year but she's still a stupid little girl for cute boys. OBVIOUSLY HE'S A SPY, GIRL! He's gonna eat you!

-Words of Wisdom from Mama Petrelli: "Just because you shaved doesn't mean you're clean and sober." Ain't that the truth...

-blah blah blah Mexico, running away to America, black death tears...

-The We-May-Live-Together-With-A-Child-But-Really-We're-Not-Gay quote of the night: "If you wanna unload, Matt, go ahead." Man, Matt is lay-um. Has been since Felicity. His character always sucks. I sure hope he goes away soon. Oh wait no. His dad is the guy who killed Mr. Sulu. Fucking great. I guess he's sticking around forever.

-Oh look Peter in the 90s! Nice suspenders...

-Sylar pulls a Serial Mom and kills Derek with a payphone.

-The other We-May-Live-Together-With-A-Child-But-Really-We're-Not-Gay quote of the night: "You know everything about daddy issues?!" Matt, seriously.

-SHIT! Cousin Monica straight whirled around on a pole and kicked that guy in the face -with BOTH FEET! So, wait, her power is that she can do whatever she sees on TV? Seriously? That's the best power ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-VERONICA MARS IS GONNA BE ON HEROES!!!!! Wow, a one-two combo. First the face kick, now this?! Next week is gonna kick so much ass...

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Last Night's Heroes: E for EPIC

Yes, Ma Petrelli certainly stole the show, but there's much, much more to talk about. What excrement from Tim Kring's brain did we roll around in from 9:00 to 9:58 last night? Only the dilligent reader will know...

Points of Interest:

- Claire straight up cut her toe off with a pair of scissors.

-Maya's crazy Biblical Black Tears that will kill the devil.

-Alejandro's Hungry Eyes that eat the tears. (What crazy new mutant combos will they think of next?!)

-Hiro is on his wacky screwball hero-quest with the white guy.

-Peter Petrelli naked, bang-less (Did he have bangs last time? I though he had bangs...), and tied to a chair in Ireland. His interrogator, like a soccer mom at the Apple Store the day before Christmas screams, "WHERE ARE THE FUCKING IPODS!"

-No one even cared that Britney's babies got took.

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Heroes Returns, HypePipe Ambivalent

So, last night was the Heroes premier and as befitting HypePipe's murcurial nature, we both loved and didn't care about it (we have no room in our hearts for hate). It was kind of boring, but an advancement of the story nonetheless.

Points of Interest:

-Nathan Petrelli's Beard. And the fact that he's not dead or sterile from all the radiation.
-Claire's Dad (His name is NOAH!?) working at Pop-Copy's new Costa Verde branch. Because we love paper, even though we never use it (because this is a blog).
-White people in 17th century Japan.
-"Mother, you're evil."
-George Takai's voice being 4 decibles too low to hear. Thank God for subtitles.
-The Eclipse again! What Does it Mean!?!?!?!
-Claire's new boyfriend can fly.
-Peter Petrelli chained up and naked in a shipping crate in Ireland that was supposed to be filled with i-Pod Nano's or something. Obviously.
-Those Irish people had THE WORST Irish accents we've ever heard.
-Nathan Petrelli's Beard.

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