It's Wednesday, Thus We Must Post

Heroes happened on Monday, it was surprising as promised. But not too. We'd say more, but there's a strike on...

Read More...

Summary only...

Last Night's Heroes: Ground Breaking

Someone call the Guiness people, I think last night's Heroes was officially the first time anyone has made out while listening to music ON A CELL PHONE on a primetime television program. Even more groundbreaking, Al Gore is gonna be on 30 Rock this week! Because one Emmy is never enough. Also everything on NBC is green now, even the Heroes eclips. And Ann Curry is in Antarctica. Will Nathan Petrelli be the next to bow to GE's awesome syngery and start spewing liberal-media-global-warming-propaganda? Read on gentle souls, read on...

In short, no. Though it can only be a matter of time. Having addressed the issues of porous borders and the slow rehabilitation of New Orleans, it's only logical that global climate change should follow. Perhaps Hiro will go back in time and assassinate Henry Ford.

But for now, the only issue getting raised is the issue of how high Nathan's hair can get before it becomes too rediculous. Answer: not high enough. In other news, Matt's dad is trapped in his mind and Matt grew a pair, but he's still a total geek with weird daddy issues. Mohinder's blood doesn't cure the anti-mutant disease anymore, which means Nikki/Jessica is gonna die. It also means that Molly is officially the most capable person living in her house. Speaking of daddy issues, Noah Bennett (aka The Man in the Horned Rimmed Glasses) is POed at Clair for having a boyfriend. (Creepy.) But not as POed as West was when he found out Clair's dad was that bad man who touched him wrong. Hiro's back from the past, dumb Irish chick is lost in the future, and Ma Petrelli somehow snaps Peter back into the present. Adam is the new Sylar and Sylar is presumably still hot and sweaty and hot somewhere in the SW.

DA END.

Read More...

Summary only...

Last Night's Heroes: Two Thumbs Up

This week Cedric was nonplussed but Patrick still found plenty to write about. In any event, both have joined a cult devoted to the worship of Nathan Petrelli's hair. What more could one ask for from a prime-time half-hour drama? Allow us to recapitulate...

-Molly has two daddies! Molly has two daddies! Molly has two daddies!

-Ooooo, who's hotter, Sweaty Wife Beater Sylar or Non-Gel Hair Nathan Petrelli? So HARD!

-We love cousins! We also love how Heroes is weighing in on the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Cousin Monica may have been disapointed by her FEMA trailer, but that's not gonna stop her from applying for the REGIONAL MANAGMENT TRAINING PROGRAM at the McDonald's where she works. Now if only the whole Gulf Coast would follow her example...

-Claire is so much smarter and wiser than she was last year but she's still a stupid little girl for cute boys. OBVIOUSLY HE'S A SPY, GIRL! He's gonna eat you!

-Words of Wisdom from Mama Petrelli: "Just because you shaved doesn't mean you're clean and sober." Ain't that the truth...

-blah blah blah Mexico, running away to America, black death tears...

-The We-May-Live-Together-With-A-Child-But-Really-We're-Not-Gay quote of the night: "If you wanna unload, Matt, go ahead." Man, Matt is lay-um. Has been since Felicity. His character always sucks. I sure hope he goes away soon. Oh wait no. His dad is the guy who killed Mr. Sulu. Fucking great. I guess he's sticking around forever.

-Oh look Peter in the 90s! Nice suspenders...

-Sylar pulls a Serial Mom and kills Derek with a payphone.

-The other We-May-Live-Together-With-A-Child-But-Really-We're-Not-Gay quote of the night: "You know everything about daddy issues?!" Matt, seriously.

-SHIT! Cousin Monica straight whirled around on a pole and kicked that guy in the face -with BOTH FEET! So, wait, her power is that she can do whatever she sees on TV? Seriously? That's the best power ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-VERONICA MARS IS GONNA BE ON HEROES!!!!! Wow, a one-two combo. First the face kick, now this?! Next week is gonna kick so much ass...

Read More...

Summary only...

This Week's Heroes: A

That's right, this week, we're giving Heroes a simple yet classy A. For a show that can be a bit maudlin at times, this week was refreshingly clean and elegantly produced. OH WAIT, OH MY GOD HER EYES ARE BLEEDING BLACK BLOOD AND EVERYONE'S DEAD! Oh the humanity! Oh God why?! Why have you cursed her so?!?!?!

Points of Interest:

-Seriously, Maya's death eye thing is craaaazy! How can that be caused by a genetic mutation? That doesn't even make sense. And what are we to make of this whole crossing the border storyline anyway? Is Heroes making a statement? Is NBC attempting to provoke a nativist backlash against Honduran immigrants by portraying them as demon cursed harbinger's of death? Also...

-...Is it even really that easy to sneak across the border? There's just a tunnel out there with no lock on it? Just hanging out. What ever happened to that hi-tech camera wall we were gonna build there?

-Claire's BF: Love him or lose him? We just can't decide...his name is West...

-So that Irish chick, she sucks. She has one of those melty tattoos. Which makes sense. We've gotten an evil vibe from her since the very beginning. In any event, we need Peter more than she does! The world needs Peter. If you truly love him, Caitlyn, you must let him go...

-And speaking of hos in love, that Japanese girl in the past is going to be annoying, we can tell. Hiro's going to be all kinds of stupid over her and frankly, we're tired of it already. Get over it. When will people learn? Women always hold you back.

-And just as we were getting over the death of Mr. Sulu (Who's deep voice belies a gay spirit.) along comes Uhura to take his place. She's Micah's...aunt? Maybe? She's not a Gramma, is she? Whatever she is she's practicing some kind of Dion Warwick-esque voodoo magjickk and we loooove it.

-Sylar is back! Still cruhazy, still mean, still sexxxy. But all his powers are gone! Oh no! What'll we do? Hey try eating the fat girl's head. See if that works. No? Oh that's a bummer...

Read More...

Summary only...

Last Night's Heroes: E for EPIC

Yes, Ma Petrelli certainly stole the show, but there's much, much more to talk about. What excrement from Tim Kring's brain did we roll around in from 9:00 to 9:58 last night? Only the dilligent reader will know...

Points of Interest:

- Claire straight up cut her toe off with a pair of scissors.

-Maya's crazy Biblical Black Tears that will kill the devil.

-Alejandro's Hungry Eyes that eat the tears. (What crazy new mutant combos will they think of next?!)

-Hiro is on his wacky screwball hero-quest with the white guy.

-Peter Petrelli naked, bang-less (Did he have bangs last time? I though he had bangs...), and tied to a chair in Ireland. His interrogator, like a soccer mom at the Apple Store the day before Christmas screams, "WHERE ARE THE FUCKING IPODS!"

-No one even cared that Britney's babies got took.

Read More...

Summary only...

Heroes Returns, HypePipe Ambivalent

So, last night was the Heroes premier and as befitting HypePipe's murcurial nature, we both loved and didn't care about it (we have no room in our hearts for hate). It was kind of boring, but an advancement of the story nonetheless.

Points of Interest:

-Nathan Petrelli's Beard. And the fact that he's not dead or sterile from all the radiation.
-Claire's Dad (His name is NOAH!?) working at Pop-Copy's new Costa Verde branch. Because we love paper, even though we never use it (because this is a blog).
-White people in 17th century Japan.
-"Mother, you're evil."
-George Takai's voice being 4 decibles too low to hear. Thank God for subtitles.
-The Eclipse again! What Does it Mean!?!?!?!
-Claire's new boyfriend can fly.
-Peter Petrelli chained up and naked in a shipping crate in Ireland that was supposed to be filled with i-Pod Nano's or something. Obviously.
-Those Irish people had THE WORST Irish accents we've ever heard.
-Nathan Petrelli's Beard.

Read More...

Summary only...

Heroes Stole (5 fucking hours of) My Monday!!!!

Gaddamm nbc.com and their limitedly interrupted online programming!!!!!! It has rendered my blogging abilities useless! For I cannot bear to sit in front of this computer for one more s

Read More...

Summary only...