BREAKING NEWS- Local Citizens Save Springfield, We Mean, Greensboro

This is not so much Breaking News as it is Recent News, but it is news nonetheless that LOCAL CITIZENS ARE SAVING THE WORLD. And by the world, we of course mean Greensboro.

Something must be distracting the News and Record from reporting on actual world-shaking news like this, so you have to read, of all things, some guy's blog to find out what the Council voted on last night.

So, what happened at Melvin Municipal that could get us so excited? Over 70 Springfieldians showed up to support the U.S. Mayors Climate Protection Agreement. And Mayor Holliday signed! Cool cities, cool mayors, cool kids, and cool people saving the world!

Hooray! We are saved from THE DOME!

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Chelsea Can You Hear Me?

Our love for Chelsea Handler is like the love a sailor has for a red sky at night. We've been watching her show, Chelsea Lately, and it's become the most compelling new RGC. (Reason to Get Cable)

She's like Bill Maher, except FUNNY. And she's shoving her pointy reckoning up the butthole of Hollywood! Hooray! We want Chelsea to team up with Kathy Griffin to fight crime. Celebri-crime!

We ALSO want Chelsea to be the 4th female chair warmer on The View. Even though we don't really care about The View, everyone else is jangling their two cents around, why not us?

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Worst 911 Dispatcher... EVER!

YOU MUST HEAR THIS!

The Lindsay LoLo 911 tape is better than good- it's AWFUL!

Listen as the (muggle) mother of the ex-Lohan assistant makes a painfully unhelpful call to a man who just may be America's Next Top 911 Dispatcher with a Major Attitude Problem.

"Yes, but where aaaaaaare youu?"

I hear that Hollywood's Ministry of Movie Insurance has pretty much pronounced L-Ho uninsurable for films because she is so cuckoo in her cocoa puffs.

Surely, she could get STUNT DRIVING work?!?!!

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The LoVinci Code of the Phoenix from Rehab-Kaban

In case you were confused about the recent implosion/explosion/concussion-causing BUST UP that has been "celebrity news" of late, an email HypePipe just received from the Sidekick of Lindsay Lohan explains it all. (You might need to lock yourself in an attic with a peanut butter jelly sandwich to read it all... IT'S EPIC!)

+ In April of this year, (P)Al Gore & L-Ho hatched a brilliant plan to start a coven to stop global warming called "greenPIECE"...


+ But before they could convene their environmentally cracked out magick circle, Asia, that chick who won the Search for the Next Pussycat Doll Slut, caught L-Ho stealing spells (a high crime in witchery!)


+ Over the Memorial Day Weekend, when she realized she had been busted for copping spells, Lindz freaked out and in a blind rage used dark magic to cast Asia into a Phantom Zone (where everyone is forced to wear Pant Suits and sensible shoes FOREVER!)

+ On June 25th word of L-Ho's crack up and Asia's unfashionable fate reached the real Pussy Cat Dolls, and they used their stronger (and sluttier) power to send L-Ho to Rehab-Kaban, the only place on earth where Lindsay's magic (and hopefully her hair) could be cleansed and made sober.


+ Knowing that LaLohan was in Rehab-Kaban and with no time to waste in saving the planet, (P)Al Gore started grooming Hillary Duffet to assist him in healing the hole in the ozone layer with sustainable maGGIKK and poorly choreographed pop routines.


+ On July 15th, nearly thirty days after being punished for her magickal transgressions of the previous month, L-Ho was released from Rehab-Kaban by the DUH-mentors (i.e. the Pussy Cat Dolls). Before her release, the DUH-mentors fitted her with a bracelet device on her ankle to ensure she would not use her maGGGIKK to write, produce, or perform a new single.


+ On Monday of this week, L-Ho heard that she'd been dropped by (P)Al Gore. And even though she was not even two weeks out of Rehab-Kaban, she was so confused and devasted that she hopped on her Nimbus 3000 and flew straight to Hogwarts Lounge Las Vegas at Caesar's Palace.


+ Upon arriving at the Hogwarts Lounge late Monday evening, L-Ho tried to banish the rest of the Pussy Cat Dolls to the same Phantom Zone she had sent Asia to. She tried, but could not scry for them because she was on their (slutty) home court, and so she decided to drink. She drank SO much that she Faggot her plan of banishing the dolls. She also forgot where she had parked her Nimbus 3000.



+ Luckily, by midnight on Monday she was able to hitch a ride to LA with gal-pal Muggle Britt Britt Spears, where she used the forbidden dark magic to conjur the guarantee of a scene at Britt Brit's interview / photo shoot with OK Magazine just long enough for no one to notice BB (BrittBritt) stealing the 21,000 dollas in designer clothes.

+ As a token of Brat-i-tude for the diversion, BB Spears showered L-Ho with a fresh new car and the chance to record a brand new single, written and produced by the wizards that brought us the Paris Hilton Album. Grateful for a chance to record again, L-ho stepped into the studio (around 1:00 am Monday night) to lay down the hook.


+ As soon as she started singing the forbidden NEW SINGLE, L-Ho's ankle bracelet started glowing purple, sending news of her shitty music magick violation to the DUH-Mentors. The Pussy Cat DUH-Mentors, draped in their ghostly (slutty) clothes, conjured some coke into L-Ho's pocket as she sped away from the studio in a stolen Prius and chased her off the road. Tiffany, the drunk mess from Rock of Love and newly hired replacement assistant, was in the passenger seat, wearing a hat she'd had made for the occasion.


According to a post script on Li-Lo's (cryptic and frankly AmAziNg) email to HypePipe, the PCD's fled the scene before police arrived and ran off to become Danity Kane and perform at the opening of a Wal-Mart SuperCenter in San Dimas.

+ And the rest in history......From the future......

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Blowing Shit Up With Our Minds

First we post this...

And then THIS MESS happens:

Girlfriend was drunk, (0.12 bishes), had no license, a nose full of co-ca-een-nay, AND she was trying to run the mother of one of her assistants off the damn road! (To be fair, I think we've all done that last one...)

Seriously, it's like we're Drew Barrymore in "Firestarter."

Blowin' shit up with our MINDS!!!!

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We Really Liked Her Better

When she was crashin' cars and doin' blow.

Who's Bijou Phillips gonna hang out with now?!!?

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Old People vs. Skinny Bitches. Who Wins??!??

Who the hell do you think?

Fresh on the Heels of Paris being released due to “illness (crabs),” I am proud to report that I had the great fortune last night to witness her best friend NeeeCole Richie on the David Letterman Show receiving a large, tight, five-fingered-fist up her as from the tired, old talk show host himself. Here at le Pipe we love us some NeeeCole, but Letterman does an excellent job “probing” the socialite for all the deets of her own impending, possible incarnation. If you look hard enough you can see her bones blush!

AND.....

Last month, fellow rehab junkie Lindsay Lohan met the same fate on the Martha Stewart Show. However L-Ho’s appearance was made worse by the fact that, A.) Martha is Martha and B.) She waited until they were tit-deep in making cream puffs to lodge her fist deep in the young one’s rectum. For the most part, Martha focuses on the confection at hand, periodically she reminds Lindsay of the fact that yes, her shit does stink. REALLY REALLY BAD!



G-d Bless Old People!

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