Muscle Relaxers, Y'all

We are kinda totally sort of completely (maybe) over the whole Britney at the Awards That Must Not Be Named thing. For a day or two we thought her performance was just a hallucination caused by all the Chinese yogurts from the dollar store we've been eating, then we didn't care, then we thought maybe the whole VMAs was a dream conceived in the sleeping mind of a child with cancer in an episode of Highway to Heaven. And then we went back to not caring again, but not before we figured out what made the whole thing possible in the first place.

PILLS!

Brit Brit looked so peaceful (like an angel!) as she sleep-danced her way through the middle school talent show that was the VMAs because, like a 1970s housewife, she got good and relaxed for the show with plenty of VALIUM!

Our guess is she ate a whole lot of muscle relaxers prior to the show, ordered special for the ocassion from her favorite Mexican pharmacy. Cousin and fame whore, Alli Sims, probably gave her the water to wash it down. (Enabler!) Seriously, at the very least someone needs to make sure she stays away from this guy:

BEFORE SHE ENDS UP IN A HARD ROCK HOTEL WITH FIFTEEN POUNDS OF DRUGS IN HER STOMACH (and/or UP HER BUTT)!!!!!

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Celebrity Pets Addicted to Drugs

Who would fashion a tiny crack pipe out of a bottle and use it to get his kitten high on CRACK COCAINE!?!?

Oh, right. This guy.

"JUNKIE Pete Doherty is snapped appearing to give his kitten crack —
from a mini-pipe he made specially for it. Sickened pals who leaked
the picture claimed the warped rocker regularly gets the pet smashed. They
said it PASSES OUT with its paws in the air, suffers MOOD SWINGS and even thinks it can FLY." (emphasis added) - The Sun (click on the link for the leaked pic!)

Interesting trend. Celebrities everywhere have been losing their minds and binging on drugs like they're Oreos for a while now. In a predictable move their pets have followed suit. (We bet Oprah's cocker spaniels are hooked on crystal!) Damn, we really want to eat Oreos all of a sudden...

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Courtney Love Might Make Sense

Courtney Love, darling of the incomprehensible jet setting party crowd, is actually making some sense. She's weighing in on, of ALL things, Owen Wilson's recent (and extremely sad!) suicide attempt and hospitalization. According to this, Courtney is blaming everything on some dude (Steve Coogan) she used to sleep and do drugs with. Seriously, if Courtney LOVE is calling you a druggie, then you are probably capable of turning Hello Kitty to drink and drug. (I personally blame the Pussycat Dolls. They are ruining EVERYTHING.)

I really hope Owen is able to bask in the sunshine of being alive once again- for The Royal Tenenbaums alone I am deeply indebted!

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The LoVinci Code of the Phoenix from Rehab-Kaban

In case you were confused about the recent implosion/explosion/concussion-causing BUST UP that has been "celebrity news" of late, an email HypePipe just received from the Sidekick of Lindsay Lohan explains it all. (You might need to lock yourself in an attic with a peanut butter jelly sandwich to read it all... IT'S EPIC!)

+ In April of this year, (P)Al Gore & L-Ho hatched a brilliant plan to start a coven to stop global warming called "greenPIECE"...


+ But before they could convene their environmentally cracked out magick circle, Asia, that chick who won the Search for the Next Pussycat Doll Slut, caught L-Ho stealing spells (a high crime in witchery!)


+ Over the Memorial Day Weekend, when she realized she had been busted for copping spells, Lindz freaked out and in a blind rage used dark magic to cast Asia into a Phantom Zone (where everyone is forced to wear Pant Suits and sensible shoes FOREVER!)

+ On June 25th word of L-Ho's crack up and Asia's unfashionable fate reached the real Pussy Cat Dolls, and they used their stronger (and sluttier) power to send L-Ho to Rehab-Kaban, the only place on earth where Lindsay's magic (and hopefully her hair) could be cleansed and made sober.


+ Knowing that LaLohan was in Rehab-Kaban and with no time to waste in saving the planet, (P)Al Gore started grooming Hillary Duffet to assist him in healing the hole in the ozone layer with sustainable maGGIKK and poorly choreographed pop routines.


+ On July 15th, nearly thirty days after being punished for her magickal transgressions of the previous month, L-Ho was released from Rehab-Kaban by the DUH-mentors (i.e. the Pussy Cat Dolls). Before her release, the DUH-mentors fitted her with a bracelet device on her ankle to ensure she would not use her maGGGIKK to write, produce, or perform a new single.


+ On Monday of this week, L-Ho heard that she'd been dropped by (P)Al Gore. And even though she was not even two weeks out of Rehab-Kaban, she was so confused and devasted that she hopped on her Nimbus 3000 and flew straight to Hogwarts Lounge Las Vegas at Caesar's Palace.


+ Upon arriving at the Hogwarts Lounge late Monday evening, L-Ho tried to banish the rest of the Pussy Cat Dolls to the same Phantom Zone she had sent Asia to. She tried, but could not scry for them because she was on their (slutty) home court, and so she decided to drink. She drank SO much that she Faggot her plan of banishing the dolls. She also forgot where she had parked her Nimbus 3000.



+ Luckily, by midnight on Monday she was able to hitch a ride to LA with gal-pal Muggle Britt Britt Spears, where she used the forbidden dark magic to conjur the guarantee of a scene at Britt Brit's interview / photo shoot with OK Magazine just long enough for no one to notice BB (BrittBritt) stealing the 21,000 dollas in designer clothes.

+ As a token of Brat-i-tude for the diversion, BB Spears showered L-Ho with a fresh new car and the chance to record a brand new single, written and produced by the wizards that brought us the Paris Hilton Album. Grateful for a chance to record again, L-ho stepped into the studio (around 1:00 am Monday night) to lay down the hook.


+ As soon as she started singing the forbidden NEW SINGLE, L-Ho's ankle bracelet started glowing purple, sending news of her shitty music magick violation to the DUH-Mentors. The Pussy Cat DUH-Mentors, draped in their ghostly (slutty) clothes, conjured some coke into L-Ho's pocket as she sped away from the studio in a stolen Prius and chased her off the road. Tiffany, the drunk mess from Rock of Love and newly hired replacement assistant, was in the passenger seat, wearing a hat she'd had made for the occasion.


According to a post script on Li-Lo's (cryptic and frankly AmAziNg) email to HypePipe, the PCD's fled the scene before police arrived and ran off to become Danity Kane and perform at the opening of a Wal-Mart SuperCenter in San Dimas.

+ And the rest in history......From the future......

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So You Think You Can Spazz

According to YouTube, this video has like a billion hits, all of them totally deserved! (I think I'm gonna forward it to Maya Angelou.) Keep watching- at the 2 minute mark a fuckin' rope swing enters the picture. OK, so it's a given that they're hopped up on Sunny D. and Totino's Pizza Rolls. I think it's safe to to say they're also rollin! God Bless America.

I really hope these spazzy, spazzy tweens are on the upcoming season of Kid Nation... (REALLY)

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