Elder Statesman Takes Dirt Nap

Bonne nuit ange doux!

We feel like we lost our very own PeePaw! All we can think of to say to you, Jesse, (if you and Jerry Fallwell are listening) is thanks. Thanks for the angst. We probably would never have left North Carolina without you. (OMG there's a whole big world out there!) Also, thanks for being so "controversial." Do you 'member all the KraYzie junk you said about AIDS and
black people and gay people and the civil rights movement and MTV and foreigners? You may not know this, but because of all that mess you talked about everybody, society was able to make a lot of progress in political zines. And boy we sure did have a good time making that poster for that rock show we did in our basement. It was a picture of your face with laser beams shooting out of your eyes and blood running out of your mouth! LOL!!! And we will always remember that R.E.M. concert where Michael Stipe told us all to vote for Harvey Gantt and said you were totally gonna lose your next election. It was like he was telling us he approved of our mid-size city not just as a concert venue, but as the bellwether for social change in our nation. (He was wrong- oh wells!) And remember that funny bumper sticker "I'm from North Carolina and I DON'T support Jesse Helms"? People from North Carolina who had relatives in New England probably had to buy those so they wouldn't get shot at while driving through New Jersey. But they were still fun even if you never left the state! Well, I guess you really do have the last laugh Mr. Helms, because today you are blowing up the blogosphere like a Lil' Wayne remix. And you stayed alive long enough to see Kid Nation. (We really hope you watched. It was fucking amazing!) So, to wrap up Jesse, we made this Youtube tribute video just for you. We hope you like it- we spent all morning (hungover) on it!

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Who Needs a Wii?

When you can do your Christmas shopping IN THE BONANZA CITY GIFT SHOP!!!!!


Jared, the "Bill Gates" of Bonanza City, got to work on the steam powered t-shirt press as soon as Kid Nation wrapped and secured a deal to receive 20% of the proceeds from all sales. AND HE'S SPENDING IT ALL ON UNICORN POPS.


... laced with LSD

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HypePipe Investigates: The Lost Children of Kid Nation

For months, Kid Nation has been abuzz with talk of the Taylors and Gregs. Crazy Divad and Michael, the great orator. But what of the other children? The Nathans and Kennedeys? What about that crazy pink hair girl? And what happened to Colby's hair? Is that even his name!? Colby?

Well, this week HypePipe Investigates takes a long hard look at...

Yes this week it's all about those other kids. The homeschoolers and Kentuckians who are just now starting to worm their way into the spotlight.



For example, this is Kennedy. She "dares to be different" and doesn't mind making a fool out of herself in front of other people. Thus, obviously, she is a "great kid" -according to Mike. Weirdo. Kennedy, against all logic, eventually wins the gold star this week. We know, it doesn't make any sense. Because unlike that other girl from Kentucky, Savannah, she didn't cry at all. And unlike Divad, she didn't make anyone any potatoes.

And then there's Nathan...



Poor, strange, probably gay little Nathan. Actually Nathan wasn't even on screen this week, but that just shows how lost he truly is. Like Kennedey, Nathan blew past Divad to snatch the gold star out from underneath her oil-scarred nose last week. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to have won him any friends. We're pretty sure Greg still beats him up (in a weirdly homoerotic way) every day.

And we would be remiss if we didn't mention Migle and Natasha.

Yes, her name is Migle. Maybe it's Irish. These two are as thick as thieves. Like Laverne and Shirley, or an erstwhile Paris and Nicole. (I don't know what that means either, Jason.) Natasha and Migle don't work too hard, which is good because they are way too pretty. They're also the oldest girls in town, which means that in the event of a disaster, they'll be the ones who have to repopulate the world with Greg and Blaine. Blaine who you ask? Good question.



This is Blaine. He's like a non-crossdressing, acne-free Greg. He may also be a girl.

And finally these kids don't really have names, but they do have cool hair.



Viva Kid Nation!

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Last Night's Kid Nation: Heart Breaking

The biggest development in Bonanza City this week is the apparent abduction of Jared! He made just about two appearances last night and our HypePipe film experts determined that they were compiled mostly from stock footage. Will this politically charged, fractious desert community be able to overcome their loss and hold fair and free elections? Only the free dare to know...

It looked bleak at first, what with all the politically motivated pogo-ing and blatant vote buying (cou-Taylor-gh). Also, what was Greg doing to that poor little crying girl? Also, who's feeding these kids blue gumballs?! It looks like their dying of hypothermia. Yes it seemed as if BC was doomed to suffer under the yoke of partisan bickering forever... Oh wait! A band of plucky children has stolen the hearts and minds of their peers and now stand poised to lead the way to a brighter future! Maybe with new, democratically elected city officials, the sectarian violence will finally end! God bless America and bring back Jared!

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Breaking News: Bonanza City in Desperate Need of ChapStick!

And God, evidently. This week's Kid Nation was all about religion -an unnecessary divergence in our opinion. Cedric took notes, but then we went to Qdoba and they accidentally fell in my burrito and I ate them. Oh well, they're gone now.

Instead let us move our fingers into gyana mudrah and close our eyes. Now follow your breath and project this old youtube clip onto the space between your eyebrows:



Just to clarify,

Overall, we can definitely still say with certainty that Jared is still definitely THE SHIT!!!! Not only does he testify like a Pentecostal Minister (that is, with a dead animal) but he also meditates. Blabadey blah, other stuff happens, Taylor does her thing (tyranny), and Greg is still ugly (on the inside(too)). And we still don't care who the other 32 kids in Bonanza City are.

Aside from Jared the only standout was Ashley, Cody's girl-friend. This mid-western vixen's siren call was far too powerful for poor Cody, and he was eventually lured back to the rolling hills of Nebraska or wherever he's from. We wish him the best in both life and love, however we feel Taylor prolly summed it up best: "Good riddance, queef-face."

Okay, she didn't really say that. Yet.

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This Week's Kid Nation: We're Terrorized With Love

DO NOT let this show near an airplane! The love that will invariably well in your bosom could cause your heart to explode. We were tempted to let this picture speak for itself in this post because it so accurately conveys how we feel about the residents of Bonanza City. But so much crizazy shit went down this week, we had no choice but to chronicle every second of it as it happened.

Ladies, Gentlemen, allows us to recap yo ass...:

-GREG IS SUCH A LOSER! We are seriously offended by this guy. He's mean, and ugly, and bracefaced -the three traits we hate more than anything in a person (That and also OBX stickers. Oh and being a cat person).

-We think Poor Innocent Little Christian Mallory Babydoll Girl from Indiana said it best: "I hear Greg talking mean out there..."

-Taylor last week: "I'm sorry but you're just gonna have to starve."
Taylor this week: "QUIET! 930 is our curfew! If anyone has a problem with it, sorry, but you're gonna have to deal with it!"
Taylor next week:


-Green team you are gross. Kids your age don't care about other people! They care about Xbox and Hannah Montana and pizza bagels and stuff. We don't buy your whole little wholesome loser schtick. You're up to something Green Team... and we're on to you.

-"Colton is one the toughest kids, one of the bravest kids Ive ever met in my entire life." -Zac, on Colton.

-For real though, Colton is the toughest kid ever. He goes on a vision quest every day and one time we saw him stare down this bull that was gonna try and charge him until Colton's steely eyed glare turned his bovine heart to glue and killed him.

-This week's challenge was soooo complicated. We still don't know how it worked. There were sheep. And cards. And kids. Oh the kids. Running around and shouting and crying maybe and jumping on the sheep. It was a kind of beautiful chaos really...

-Taylor is a Bush supporter. Are we surprised?

-Seriously. Goody Laurel, Goody Sophia. Cut it out. The world is a cruel place. You can't go through it being nice.

-A fucking sandstorm. A motherfucking sandstorm. Can it get any worse?

-OH MY GOD THE WIND KNOCKED THE TOILETS OVER! This is so much worse than before.

-At Town Meeting, Taylor suffers through a public shaming that makes the VMAs look quaint. She deserves it too, royal bitch. She's a pro about it though. What do you do when the whole world turns on you? Apologize. Promise to do better. Move on. (Britney, you could learn something here.)

-Oh well look at that. Mallory got the gold star...

...but only because there weren't any wheel-chair-bound kids or cute puppies around.

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The "Kids" are Burning Brighter Than EVER!!!!

Becase they are on FIRE!!!!!

Last Wednesday, HypePipe's dearest, sweetest, reality-based Double Dare Challenge instilled in us a new kind of joy.

We call it GLEE!

Ande here are our reasons:

+JARED!
+JARED!
+JARED!
+JARED!
+ JARED!
+JARED!

Now this episode was filled with CONFLICT, SACRIFICE, and A HUGE INFLATABLE BOUNCE-HOUSE SLIDE. But Jared continues to be the brightest star to shine on this miracle of a seemingly Dr. Phil sanctioned child-project.

Emilie was another notable standout. She, by far, was THE most affected tot when the kid who reminds us of the devil jumpstarted the chickin killin' dialogue.

She fought the idea, then agreed to it, then freaked out, was O.K., then got pissed all OVER again. Sounds to us like she's ready for own MTV series!

BUT SHE DIDN'T QUIT LIKE JIMMY (who we still love, but aren't inspired by anymore).

All in all, this second episode of Kid Nation was strong confirmation that, just as we hoped that they would, THE TWEENS ARE INHERITING THE EARTH (duhhh)!

Now, I proudly present to you........JARED!

-enjoy!

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Live Blogging the Moment the Tweens Won

Ok, so this is not technically "live-blogging" since the Kid Nation premiere ended well before we could get the hypetop turned on and connected to the internet, but to say that the TWEENS now officially rule us all is entirely accurate. It's also probably the understatement of the millennium. It's a Hannah Montana world- we just live and buy tickets and blond wigs at exorbitant mark-up in it!

There are so many reasons why tonight's debut episode of televised child abuse ROCKED OUR FUCKING FACES OFF, but we only have so much Blogger-allocated room. So here goes. Top 14 reasons to watch Kid Nation.

1. The legal troubles. CBS lawyers, perhaps the smartest people in the world, chose New Mexico for Kid Nation filming. Why? Because of the seemingly advantageous legal status of the tumbleweed town they took over to shoot the show in. They shot the show during the school year, had no tutors, parents, or common sense on the set and managed to pass legal muster because they called it a "camp experience" instead of a "television job." You must watch Kid Nation if only to understand what the hell Matt Lauer will be talking about in a few months when the lawsuits kick into high gear.

2. Tears. Lots and lots of tears.

3. Sophia, the girl who dances on the street corner for tips. To buy a bike. Sophia is a front-runner favorite, and not just cause she won a $20,000 hunk of REAL GOLD on the first episode. She has the most potential of anyone in Kid Nation to start a zine.

4. Jared- we don't know what to say about him, except that he's awesome.

5. Taylor, the beauty queen who doesn't do dishes.

6. Is that pussy that I smell? Oh no, it's Jimmy.

7. It's a lot like South Park. Just kids being mean (and ocassionally cooperating!) with no adults around.

8. It's fun to guess which ones are gonna end up on drugs, in counseling, or at Guilford College.

9. Root beer. A root beer saloon is such a good idea. Those kids are all over it like it's Go-gurt, which is weird, because we don't think kids actually drink a whole lot of root beer in the real world. But they LOVE it in Bonanza City.

10. Not only do the tweens in Kid Nation get to play "Store" and "House," they get to play "Town." And "LIFE."

11. The host is slightly benevolent and seems to be the only calming presence. Those kids yell at each other about everything. The discussion of "TV versus Toilet" was the best duh-bate we've seen on television since Sanjaya's performances on American Idol tore Randy and Paula apart. (Taking a shit, or watching "That's So Raven?" It's like Sophie's choice!)

12. Michael the orator. When he speaks, which is often, everybody claps. With their hands.

13. At the very beginning, some boy fell out from leg cramp. This same boy later fell down during the oil rig challenge. More of this is sure to come! (See reason number one for the importance of injuries to the Kid Nation entertainment factor.)

14. Lastly, if any one of these teams had Coral, they would totally win every single challenge. Perhaps the Yellow Team could use her the most; adding her would raise their average age to a paltry 12. If the Yellow Team were any smaller or younger, they would be mice.

Well, America, the tweens have finally kicked our tired old asses. We couldn't be more in love with it. MORE KID NATION PLEASE!

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Baby Donkey Explains Our Technical Difficulties in Posting Embedded Clips from CBS

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Thank U Greensboro Word Supporters!

Last night's SECOND EVER HypePipe Spelling Bea (Arthur) was, we will daringly proclaim, a bigger, bolder, more flavorful event than the last one! Thank u for spelling and spectating- we love you. And to show our appreciation (cause you know those photos won't be up for at least another year or two) we give you a very special treat.

An EMBEDDED clip of the upcoming CBS show, and our new reason for staying alive (and out of jail!):

KID NATION!

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It Takes a Nation of TWEENS to Hold us Back

Did we ever think that the tweens would NOT take over the world?
Oh they are going to, and they are going to start this fall on CBS with KID NATION!!!!!

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/fall_preview_2007/

Click on the link to the fall preview schedule, then click on the box that says "Kid Nation." Be sure you have at least 5 minutes and sound to watch the whole preview. You want to be able to hear those tweens breaking down- especially the laundry scene. "That's not soap- it's butter!"

It's like Lord of the Flies- I really think they're gonna murder that prissy girl that looks like a mini-Terri Hatcher.

I think the whole show counts as child abuse, but then again, isn't abuse the very foundation of good reality tv?

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