I Couldn't Watch the Whole VMA's Cause I Was Running Low on Gas-X

Last night I just couldn't watch more than a few spurts of MTV's Video Music Awards. Mostly because I was far more emotionally invested in VH1's Rock of Love, but also because I missed the single most important reason for watching the damn VMAs in the first place. I turned on the TV at 9:07. After Britney had done THIS:

Click here to see MTV's clip. (I'm sure they have a crack team of interns deleting files from YouTube as I type this.) What's really hilarious about the clip is that the html address is "britney kickin ass and takin names at the vmas." I watched the clip and it's more like "Britney falling in the butthole of Las Vegas and being pooped out onto the VMA stage."

Like any self-respecting viewer who's aging out of a demographic, I watched Rock Of Love and tuned into the VMAs during commercials. Even though the bits and pieces of the Video Music Awards that I did watch gave me sharp abdominal pains, it was more than made up for by the hour of drunkscapades and superhuman displays of Skank Power that is Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. God, I love those slutty drunks!

During a ROL commercial, I happened to catch Hayden Panitierre reporting LIVE from the Las Vegas Neutrogena Anti-Blemish Pore-Refining Lounge. It should have won an award for most bizarre product placement with a theme tie-in. Las Vegas? Acne? Sure! (Clear skin is so MONEY.) And who do you suppose was the house band for the VMAs? None other than the official music-maker of The Hills' commercial breaks, MARK RONSON!

Because we were far too bloated (and out of Gas-X) to live blog all this nonsense, here is a link to another blog that actually covered the confusing mish mash of loose morals and loose dancing that was the 2007 Video Music Awards: BREAKING MTV VMA LIVE BLOG: Britney Needs to Get In On Our Ass-Action Lawsuit

And for the hard-core Bret heads, I give you this wunnerful clip: Bret Michaels Talking About Stuff and Drinking an Adult Beverage

Enjoy!

UPDATE: fourfour's VMA post is up on VH1's blog! It is amazing and epic. It took my breath away. Read it! VMAs Recap: What Happened in Vegas

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Last Week's Rock of Love Gets an "R" for Rock, Rainbows, and ROUGH

Even though the Today Show has been making me dumber, I wasted a bit more of my dwindling brain cell supply on this past week's Rock of Love (aka Rock Star Nut Grab). After Dear Sweet Tiffany departed, I couldn't bring myself to make Rock of Love appointment TV. Updates on this stupid-making, if amazing, show will continue to be sporadic- sorry if I'm disappointing you hard core B.M. (Bret Michaels) fans out there. It's been a busy summer!

All you need to know about this installment of Rock Star Nut Grab is right here! In case you were wondering what was under Rodeo's hat, it's the mind of a song-writing genius. Luckily for Rodeo, this week's challenge was a song-writing contest.


Unluckily for Rodeo, Bret was not impressed with her bizarre and tacky paean to all things "L.A." and "kids" and he voted her the fuck out of his house. I don't know why this didn't rock his world:

I would love you just like a rainbow
that's endless in the sky
Grab our kids, L.A. style, let's love right
Baby, because I want to fly

Oh Rodeo, you are giving so many crazy people a run for their money. "Grab our kids L.A. style" makes about as much damn sense as Tiffany announcing that she had a "hat made" in episode one. Thank you Rodeo for putting your crazy out on a platter for all to see!

If you can catch this rerun before the next episode drops, you will be amazed by the number of times Rodeo drops non-sequitur references to "kids," "L.A.," "lovin," "rainbows," and "sandboxes." Rodeo's awesome krazy talk is its own drinking game- make up your own rules! You'll be napping under a pile of empty Sparks cans by the end of the show!

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Scandalous, Marvelous, Proof of G-d's Existence

The latest proof that G-d exists is that VH-1 has elegantly timed the debut of the new Bret Michaels fuck-a-thon, Rock of Love, to replace the Dustin-Diamond-shaped hole that was left in my heart when Celebrity Fit Club ended. (And how about those last three Charm School episodes? I laughed, I cried, I tee teed a little!)

The VH-1 programming software will re-run the debut episode PLENTY this week, so I shant give away too much. If you catch it, you need only watch for one person. The Scandalous, the Marvelous, TIFFANY.

At first blush, Tiffany just seems like every sad sack who gets booted off a dating show for being too old. Her charm doesn't totally catch fire until 20 minutes into the show when she gets Free-Booze-Drunk and starts talking major trashy shit to (and about) everyone in the house! She tells people not to threaten her, she slurs to the camera that "everyone is drinking haterade," adding "later haterade" for good measure, and continues to offer more completely incoherent Confucian wisdom throughout the night.

You can tell the show is gonna be one fucked up exploitation of some fucked up people when Tiffany offers this surprisingly successful argument for remaining on the show to Big John the bodyguard: "I had a hat made." (Please write into HypePipe if you know what the hell that is supposed to mean!) Oh, and one more thing. Tiffany, when pressed to explain why she is on the show in the first place, drunkenly mumbles something about "my daughter."

Tiffany, is this your daughter?

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