HypePipe

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

CommonDipity

Once again my shit-faced-ass-crack employer has placed me at the forefront of breaking local news. I'm sure all of you Guilford kids already know, but for the rest here is some Serendipity news.

The annual Serendipity festival at Guilford College is upon us and this year's super star entertainer is none other than politically poignant, peace-loving, occasional retail spokesman Common.

He will be taking a break from hocking hoodies to perform at Dana Auditorium, March 31 @ 8pm and I believe tickets go on sale this Friday. So if you have never been and feel the need to over-indulge while wrestling in oatmeal all in the name of friendship, Serendipity WANTS YOU!

TV Holiday

So much TV today! Aside from staying home from work with the Norovirus, drinking Gatorade and trying not to barf in technicolor, TV was all I managed to accomplish today. Even though I got in two good Golden Girls reruns before I passed out from sheer nauseated exhaustion, I have to give Inside Edition credit for making my FUCKING DAY. They opened with "Heather Mills on Dancing with the Stars: How does She Keep Her Leg on?" A whole LEAD STORY on the very real possibility of Heather's leg flying off during competition and smacking Leeza Gibbons in the head. Thank you Inside Edition for reading my mind! Heather's answer? A "really big strap."

One leg, but how many shoes?

My second favorite story from this evening's Edition: a recurring segment they call the Rat Patrol. New York City's trendiest restaurants were under the intense scrutiny of Deborah Norville's crack team of investigative journalists. I've never seen so many rats and mice shot in night vision. I think they are going to get a Pulitzer. Why do i love Inside Edition? Because they put Heather Mills' leg and restaurant rats right at the top of the list of newsworthy items. Maybe the Rat Patrol could come to Greensboro. I wonder what they'd find at Taco Bell...

My favorite restaurant rats are the ones that skate around on hot skillets with butter on their feet:

Vocabularian Exposure: Sexy Varf

Vocabularian Exposure will be HypePipe's effort to PIPE some new vocabularian nourishment right into your brain. Language is as tired and old as we are. And it needn't be that way.

varf: noun, a garment worn onstage by Justin Timberlake, composed of a scarf and a vest, see SNL, Sexy Back Tour, Timbaland's Christmas present

when you wear a vest

and a scarf

what you wear...

is called a VARF!

"I like to kick! and stretch!": A message from Spike Lee

"...Gosh I love that Molly Shannon...oh, hey there. Didn't see you come in. I was just watching a rerun of that SNL sketch. You know the one, "I'm 50!, I like to kick! and stretch!" Yeah, it's great. And you know why I'm watching that particular episode today? Because today is my birthday. That's right -I'm 50. Yeah, I don't look it, and I'm having fun, just like Molly Shannon, but I've asked you here today to talk about something that isn't funny at all: prostate cancer.

Ooo! Dang, that doesn't look fun! So listen up men! As you get older, your risk for contracting this deadly cancer increases exponentially each year. This is due to the natural breakdown of the immune system which begins at 50. Your body isn't as sharp as it used to be (I know mine aint. Ooch!) and so the prostate cancer virus is able to slip in, and make a nice little home for itself right behind your ballsack. Yeah, it totally sucks. But there is hope. Hope in book form.

Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures is the only book (except for the Bible!) that teaches you how to kill the prostate cancer virus without surgery or sinful drugs. If you are a man 50 or over, you need this book. Without it, you will die. Some people will tell you that Christian Science is isn't "really" science, and that more people die waiting to be healed than are "actually" healed, but they're sinners and they're going to Hell. You're not going to Hell are you? I didn't think so.

And you know, even if you're like me and you don't have prostate cancer, Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures is still a must-buy. Inside you'll find hundreds of prayers that will help you prevent this debilitating disease. So do yourself a huge favor and pick up Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures today. I sure as Hell don't want no doctor sticking his fingers up my ass. And neither does God.

Have a blessed day!

Spike Lee

ps: Happy Birthday me!"

Squirrels Ain't Chinchillas

It's nice that there's someone out there to give squished squirrels a proper burial. According to the News and Record, the squirrels of Spring Garden need not suffer the ignomy of being picked apart by crows or repeatedly run over by SUVs. No, a local hero who goes by the name of David Kipple has taken it upon himself to minister to these rodents of the trees, burying them (in the trash) when they are dead and cuddling them before putting them out of their misery when they are injured. CUDDLE THOSE SQUIRRELS!

Too late for rehab

Squirrels sure ain't chinchillas, but I guess the Good Lord made them both. So until J-Lo gets her hands on Mr. Kipple's little friends, we say keep up the good work.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Belated is how we do things!

News Gods play a wicked round of Mad Libs

.....................Goofy Government Antics

Noun: Bong Hits for Jesus

Government Institution: Supreme Court

Name: Ken Starr

Place: Juneau, Alaska

Occupation: Stoner Anime Wizard

Bong Hits for Jesus were the topic of conversation today at
......(noun)

the Supreme Court where Ken Starr defended a principal from
..(gov. inst.)...........(name)

Juneau, Alaska for suspending a student for being a
fff(place)

stoner anime wizard .
....(occupation)

Read the whole story here.

Favorite quotes:

"Frederick was a high school senior in Juneau when he decided to display the banner [reading "Bong Hits For Jesus"] at a school-sanctioned event to watch the Olympic torch pass through the city on its way to the 2002 Winter Games in Salt Lake City."

"A bong is a water pipe that is used to smoke marijuana."

"Two years after the banner incident, Frederick pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of selling marijuana, according to Texas court records."

There Is A God.....

And thankfully he loves abstract, Icelandic beats paired with spooky drunken lyrics. Why else would he be blessing us during these oh so tacky times with a fresh new album from BJORK!

"Volta" will be dropping in stores at the beginning of May. And my muffin top is X-TRA hot due to the announcement of her most recent mini-tour, which includes a stop at the Apollo Theater in Harlem (*Boxes Joyfully*).

I smell a journey looming........

Get Rehmed

Diane Rehm is back! What an auspicious begining to my tenure here at HypePipe.

Good evening Greensboro, my name is Patrick Tutwiler. I enjoy camping,

protesting,

and watersports (OMG not like that!).

And you might recognize me from WUAG's The Talk Show with Patrick Tutwiler airing Wednesday nights at 9:00, or from my hilariously popular, if shortly lived, blog, The Greensborian. But now the sweet folks at the Pipe have offered me an attractive signing bonus and full health-care coverage in exchange for my contributions as Chief Political Correspondant. Woot!

Thus my very first story for you, Greensboro, in my new capacity here at HypePipe, is that of the travails suffered by NPR's most beloved radio personality, Dr. Diane Rehm. Now Diane, like Dolly Parton in Straight Talk, may or may not be a real doctor, but she fills our perscription for truth every morning and we love her for it. But recently, Diane has been sick with bird flu. (Fuck you China.) Not only that, but she also accidentally poured perfume on her eye ball. (Fuck you China.) She's been gone for a whole month because she's 70 and these kinda things can really take it out of you when you're THAT old. In her stead, several guest hosts, including Katty Kay of the BBC

and that woman from USAToday, and some other people have been holding her time slot together.

No more! As of today, she's back. But her speech in Cincinnati on March 27th has been postponed.

: (

Oh well, it's just Cincinnati.

If You Like Creed...

You'll LOVE Daughtry!

HypePipe is enormously excited to HYPE the upcoming Daughtry concert. Mostly because whenever that former Honda Service Center employee starts singing, we love to sing along:

"CREED, CREED, CREED!"

He don't work here no more

When: This Friday, March 23rd

Time: Sometime after 8:00 pm

Where: Hamburger Square, outside of Natty Green's

Opening Act: Athenaeum (we bet they are pissed
that Chris is way more famous)

Stay tuned for more hype on this event. Apparently they will be selling beer on Elm Street, making this is an event we can get behind 100%. (We also hope to see Kellie Pickler there supporting her fellow contestant. We wanna take her out for calamari!)

Peas and Carrots

Jennie Stencel, rapping traffic prodigy and completely insane person, is like peas and carrots again with her WXII News 12 colleagues.

After two weeks of "vacation" Jennie was back in front of the blue screen this morning doing her traffic improv. During Jennie's absence HypePipe theorized the station might have been taking a "new direction" in the wake of Tolly Carr's DWI and the tragic death of a pedestrian last week in Winston-Salem. Even though Jennie and Serious are like Britney and Sobriety, it looks like she's managing to keep a lid on.

Does this mean the end of Traffic Girl?

Saturday, March 17, 2007

No More Snoopy Coat

So, the dog fur controversy has exploded across the desk of Tina Knowles, chief Designer and Doo Doo Master for House of Diarrhea fashion line. The Humane Society of the United States tested fur and fake fur trimming from coats and determined that House of Diarrhea was among the fashion lines that were using "raccoon dog" fur from China and advertising it as fake fur or raccoon fur. The mother of Solange and Beyonce decided to respond forcefully to the Humane Society's investigation by endorsing H.R. 891, the Dog and Cat Fur Prohibition Enforcement Act.

The question HypePipe poses is: WHO WILL SAVE THE CHINCHILLAS?

scared to death of Tina and J-Lo

The poor chinchilla's only crime seems to be having the silkiest fur on the planet. Is Jennifer Lopez using them to make chinchilla fur tampons, in an effort to create the most luxurious tampons in the world? Is there any way for us to know? Would we be able to stop her if she did?

Home is Where Your Chimp is

I don't need a map to tell me what MJ is going to do with B:

If my guess is correct, and it usually is, Michael is building a luxurious Chimp-O-tainment center on the birth control shaped island of Jumeirah Palm in luxurious Dubai. Even Halliburton knows how to truly live in the lap of luxury- they're gonna be next door neighbors!

Tying Up the Trends

We here at HypePipe love trends. Mostly we love following the dead and dying trends. That said, here are three little piglets we've chased around, wrestled and tied up just for you.

1) Cats

Cats are the perfect pets for busy people or alcoholics. They can stay for hours by themselves without peeing on your roommate's area rug. And they clean themselves. I predict exponential growth in cat portraits in Myspace pages in the coming months. So very jellicle! Cats: DOING WELL

2) Knitting

I can't do anything that Gwyneth does, so it's no wonder I never learned to knit. Since the recent average highs have reached into the upper seventies, it's just too damn hot! And if Al Gore is right, it's only getting hotter. Unless you can knit some cold drinks, put them needles away. Knitting: DECEASING

3) Smoking

Last night's foray to the FlatIron indicated that smoking is not going anywhere anytime soon. We here at HypePipe go out and always end up at church smelling like smoke. (By church, I mean Biscuitville.) Several NC municipalities have joined New York by instituting smoking bans. Smoking: UNCERTAIN

Tell us what you think: Would a smoking ban hurt or help nightlife in the Triad?

Notes On A Dumb Ass

So this is kind of our first official interview. This is THE transcript of Erica asking all the probing questions that everyone wants to know about what else, but "The NeverEnding Story." I hope that you find both the questions and answers to be as hard-hitting as they are topical.

WWBD (what would Bubbles do?)

So After thoroughly embarrassing myself last night during my favorite Fist Fight, I was thoroughly late to work this morning. Smelling like the flat while looking like both Whitney and Bobby B @ the same time, I still made it. And anyone who schedules me to work on a weekend deserves much worse.

Nonetheless I mustered up enough strength to send Erica the above photo for no good reason whatsoever and it made me start thinking, what ever happened to Bubbles????

Friday, March 16, 2007

Rock

Tonight we will throw the first rock in our pipe.

Fist Fight CD Release show Featuring Blank Blank and Jew(s) and Catholics

Tonight (March 16)

9pm

$3 cover

The Flat Iron

Come Rock Out with your Pipe OUT!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

First Green Hit

It is with much pleasure that i break this, our first peace of locally grown news:

While helping a customer at my plantation like job, I noticed that he was wearing a polo shirt with the logo for Sparks (the perfect storm of malt liquor and meth) on it and i asked him if Sparks was his employer. Much to my enjoyment it turned out that he was a salesman for the noble brewery. I then shared with him how crazy in love with his brand me and my friends were and he told me that if he had it and wasn't late for a flight he would have given me some (*boxes joyfully*).

After the blood drained out of my blush ridden cheeks, I asked him what happend to Blue (diet) Sparks. He then told me that the local distributer had dropped it, but they had just been bought by Miller and there was a good chance that it was due to return soon.

Now I am a fan of Classic Orange, however my perpetually dieting associates live and die for Diet Blue. So it is for all of you that I post this news. So put down that Tilt and prepare for the return of the O.G. diet-crak-soda-beer blend!

The Briefest Introduction We Can Muster

Welcome to
HypePipe!

Are you ready for the freshest gossip, the dampest news, and the hottest rumors in all of the Triad? We're here to give you just that. HypePipe is all things hype. Packed in a pipe. Passed directly to you.

Introduction to All Things Hype:

1. to stimulate, excite, or agitate

If we do anything right, HypePipe will stimulate your appetite for gossip, excite your lust for news, and agitate your passion for fashion. Think about a washing machine full of stirrup pants. That's the kind of agitation we're talking about.

2. to create interest in by flamboyant or dramatic methods

If there's something HOT coming through the pipe, we'll make flamboyantly sure that you, our precious readers, know about it first.

3. to intensify (advertising, promotion, or publicity) by ingenious or questionable claims, methods

Our methods may be questionable, but we think you'll be
pleased with the results.

4. exaggerated publicity; hoopla

Hoopla.
Hula hoopla.

5. an ingenious or questionable claim, method, etc., used in advertising, promotion, or publicity to intensify the effect

Whether we're watching hours of tv, or pounding the pubs, our reports (the topics of which will range from trends in mixed drinks to who's wearing ugly outfits) will constantly strive to intensify your experience of living. Put hype in your life- let it come from our pipe! Hype for hire: we will also hype anything you'd like us to. For a fee. (Schedule to be posted.)

6. a hypodermic needle

We aim to mainline gossip- directly into your veins!

Thank you for reading HypePipe! pass it around...

(Thanks dictionary.com. What would we do without you?!)

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