aujourdhui i feel like the nouvelle vague
hence the lack of any punctuation capatilazation or spellchecking dans cette post
i am too free to be constrained
amoureux questcequecest
Monday, April 9, 2007
Blame Canada
If you spent the weekend freezing your peanut butter and jellies off, you can thank Canada.
Canada has given us so much. Cold fronts and melodramatic teen television. And British spelling. And cheap prescription drugs. Thank you Canada!
Here's a clip of the most melodramatic teen television ever to blow across the border and onto Nickelodeon. Ladies and gentlemen, Fifteen.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Haute Like Fire
Congratulations Dubai for making the cover of Haute Living, our favorite magazine only after Yachting.
Dubai's so haute, we can't stand it.
We told you Michael and Bubbles were headed there, Halliburton has already made the move, and Anna Nicole herself would have been chillin on Jumeirah Beach right now if it weren't for Howard K. Stern and those damn 600 pills.
Dubai's even building the world's first underwater hotel. Like in 7th grade when you had to design a fantasy country for social studies, and someone always did "AquaLand," a magical world at the bottom of the ocean under a big glass dome. In Dubai, THEY'RE DOING IT FOR REALS!
Mark our words, everything important in 2007 is going to take place in Dubai.
Tina Fey is Gonna Have a BABY
It's TREU!
Tina Fey is currently working with our favorite hip hop kid, Amy Poehler, on a movie to be called "Baby Mama."
Together Again
THE PLOT: Ms. Tina is playing a single professional in need of a baby. (WOW, can I relate, or what!) Instead of going to Africa to adopt a baby like normal people, she decides to rent out a local womb in which her fetus can gestate. Enter Poehler.
Fetuses, gestation, and fun!
I hope they cast Delta Burke as the Lamaze Coach.
Friday, April 6, 2007
Inspired by Tyra
Remember when Tyra Banks put on a fat suit for a day and filmed it for her show?
Inspired by Tyra, Lifetime TV is bringing us this:
(If you missed her show on homelessness, you can click here to watch Tyra buying Soft-Batch Cookies on Skid Row.)
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Last Night's LOST = E (for emo)
When Sun finds out Hurly is pregnant with Locke's cheeta baby, the race is on to see who'll pop first! Obviously, the island becomes divided along confessional lines, with all the Sunnis supporting Hurly and all the Shiia backing Sun. The situation deteriorates until Hurly's van blows up outside Desmond's tent, causing him to be flung, yet again, into the past.
Other points of interest:
-Kate mamma drama (plus wacky new Sawyer connection!)
-THE MONSTER RETURNS!!!!!!! Quick everyone hide in a banyan tree! It can't get you there!
-Hurly gets sneaky...
-Sun maybe kinda starts to think Sawyer is an OK guy. Well, not really.
-A coyote wanders into the Island Quizno's and takes a nap in the drink cooler!!!
Pet Food Scare and the Malaysian Prime Minister
So I've been trying to figure out who's behind this pet food poisoning. And my pea brain, stressed almost to the point of bursting, came up with some obvious questions. (Emily helped bring it to the finish line cause she's a genius.)
Question: Who would want to poison pets?
Answer: Someone who wants pets to die.
Question: Who would want pets to die?
Answer:
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Breaking News: Steven Barclay Soon to Be Dismembered By Aged Monkey
So, tomorrow is April 5th. That day is special for two reasons. 1) My grace period for paying my rent is up. And 2) Amy Sedaris' brother will be in town at the Colliseum.
Now, if you'll recall, I invited Mr. Sedaris to come and have a little chat with me here in cyberland -or rather I sent an email to his manager, Steven Barclay, asking him to extend the invitation.
To date, I have gotten no reply.
I can only assume Barclay has failed even this, the simplest of tasks, and David is yet unaware of the grave wrong been done me. Hence the following terse little letter I sent to Mr. Barclay's office just now:
"Dear Mr. Barclay,
I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Mayhaps you thought my last letter was junk mail or something, rediculous though that may seem at first blush. Mayhaps you were too drunk when you read it to remember to tell David the next morning. I don't know. Or mayhaps you're just intimdated by my intrepid investigations of Chris Daughtry's after party (http://hypepipe.blogspot.com/2007/03/breaking-news-chris-daughtry-ate-cheese.html) and my deepdeep interview with hip hop legend Kid Koala(http://hypepipe.blogspot.com/2007/04/please-jack.html).
Whatever the case may be, I am willing to overlook this slight. I'm writing to inform you that my invitation to David for an interview still stands. However, should I be rebuffed again, I shall have no choice but to recall Bubbles Jackson from his self-imposed Dubaiian exile, and send him to eat you, as he did the late Blanket Jackson.
That is all.
Patrick Tutwiler, Intrepid Boy Reporter, hypepipe.blogspot.com"
Please Jack!
Podunk tho' we may be here at the Pipe, we are nonetheless still ambitious and bloodthirsty Christians. Which is why we felt compelled to set up a colony on a little known "personal networking" page called Mespace. No wait. Myspace. It's called Myspace.
Aaaaaaaanyway. We're going to be shipping our mp3 files there for the time being in the hopes that one day, they'll grow rapacious and cruel and displace the native population as God intended.
Right now though, there's only one little file. NOT! This file is FUCKING HUGE! It's my sensational interview with Kid Koala -and his lady friend who chimes in every once in a while. Mr. Koala was very nice and Asian and only interrupted me like a thousand million times (jerk). And he's also probably the best hip hop DJ in the world. We talked about all kinds of things, from Creed to Marissa Tomei to Chris Daughtry and beyond. Suffice it to say, he shan't soon forget America's 77th biggest city (that's us, yall!) anytime soon.
Jack Bonney, WUAG GM and personal friend, was the sound technician for the interview, so you'll probably here him in there too, despite my best efforts.
GO CHECK IT OUT!!!!!!! (And friend us while you're at it.)
Pet Food Scare- What to Do!????
Since the tainted pet food scandal first broke, we here at HypePipe have been very careful about what we've been feeding our pets. After experimenting with some of our own recipes, which were inspired by Barbara Harris in Freaky Friday , we gave up on "cooking" and found the perfect food for pets.
The KFC Mashed Potato Bowl is basically the whole fucking menu in a bowl. You and Kitty Boo Boo will love it.
Did I forget to mention? IT'S COVERED WITH CHEESE!!!!
Special thanks to Cold Cold Ice and her dog Ada for the tip-off to the Chicken Bowls.
Tolly Carr Rehabbing His Image
Guess who's in rehab now!
Alleged drunk driver/killer and big dummy, Tolly Carr.
When a local TV news anchor takes a life in a horrific drunk driving crash, really what else is he gonna do? He's certainly not going to write the next great American novel! Tolly knows that the only way to rehab your public image is to rehab your self. Even the Today Show asks "Is Detox the New Vacation?"
Alleged drunk driver/killer and big dummy, Tolly Carr.
When a local TV news anchor takes a life in a horrific drunk driving crash, really what else is he gonna do? He's certainly not going to write the next great American novel! Tolly knows that the only way to rehab your public image is to rehab your self. Even the Today Show asks "Is Detox the New Vacation?"
Britney's Hideaway
HypePipe is too lazy to link to or list the public figures (as Tolly keeps reminding us, he is a public figure, please...) who have gone straight to rehab in the wake of drug, alcohol, f-word, or n-word related scandals, but you know who we're talking about!
Our prediction for Tolly's next move? As he reminded us all, he's gonna need money, so we're thinking he might enroll in Massage Therapy School.
The Semi-Homemade Lady Can't Have Kids
I think Sandra Lee, of the Food Network, is barren. Maybe. Probably. It's a hunch. (She's always cooking for the nieces and nephews, but we never see her kids.)I'm thinking it's the soup mix. All those nitrates can't be good for the reproductive system.
I'm waiting for her to end a show by crying into her tablescape.
Our favorite Niecy:
White Kids Love Hip Hop For Reals!
Rumor has it that turn table impresario Kid Koala will be stopping by the deepunderground studios of WUAG sometime Wednesday afternoon! Will Patrick Tutwiler, Intrepid Boy Reporter be able to fake enough street cred to get a decent interview!??! Only God knows now....
Stay tuned to HypePipe to see what God does next!
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
The Tiniest Of Leaks
So as most know right now, I am PIMP (Peeing In My Pants) with anticipation for Bjork's new studio Album Volta. The First Timbaland produced single "Earth Intruders" won't hit the internets until April 9, but I have found the teensiest of leaks. Go, Listen, Comment!
-ps- I hope the shit is real. REAL BANGIN!!!
-ps- I hope the shit is real. REAL BANGIN!!!
And Her Name was Khia......
The other night whilst stylin and profilin at dear sweet, award winning College Hill Sundries, I met a Fag who bet me that the low budget rap spectacular "My neck, My Back" was performed by Kelis. Although I didn't know who the artist was, I KNEW it was not our milkshake princess. After some investigation by my CRACK team of crack heads we have learned that her name is Khia. And that ho has got some hiSTORY.
Anywho, above is a video that started it all. And for my challenger that evening (you know who you are), you OWE ME!
Welcome Back Tina Fey!
So the greatest 30 minutes to air on network TV this season is returning on Thursday in the form of a new episode of 30-Rock. If you haven't watched it yet, then do yourself a favor and dip your face in it.
As a tribute to this special occasion, I have attached a clip from one of my favorite episodes, where Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin attend the Source Awards (Who's reputation has been trumped recently by the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards). The best part is about 25 second in when we are introduced to mega-mogul rap produce Rediculus.
So sit back, get your thumb out your ass (or put it in) and enjoy this timely and extra special rock in the pipe!
--Haters To The Left
White Kids Love "Hip Hop"
If you always wanted to know what it was like to have Karl Rove rape you in your ear-hole, watch this:
Like a monkey with tainted-salad-bar diarrhea pooping in your ear, right? For some reason, white kids love hip hop like Daughtry fans love ranch dressing. What's worse is that K. Rove, ReTHUGlican 4 Life, has jumped into the fray. And even more disturbing, there's nothing we can do about it. (or is there....)
Is there some beef in this Caucasian Casserole? Click here to find out!
Monday, April 2, 2007
Breaking News: Hillary Duff Feels Pressure To Be Thin
This is the fourth estate in action people. Safeguarding American democracy with hard-hitting journalism about tweeny-boppers' pimply, hormone-induced "feelings". "The press can be so judgemental and mean," she says. Frankly, Hills, if you want us to stop being mean, STOP EATING AT GOLDEN CORRAL YOU FAT WHORE!
Honestly I'm surprised the reporter was able to pry her face away from the frozen yogurt machine long enough to get an interview at all. The only feelings I want to hear about from you CNN, are the ones Anderson Cooper has for Jeff Corwin. I'm not friends with chunky little girls, and I don't want to read about them in my news.
In other celebrity diet news: Bubbles Admits To Compulsive Baby-Eating Disorder!!!!!!!!
Hotmail Has Crashed, Along With My Interest in Life
The Lord gives us trials. Some are tests of patience. Some test our faith in Him. And others are signs of the End Times. Hotmail has crashed, which I am experiencing as a mixture of all three.
~ The Lord can perform miracles if only we dare to ask Him! ~
In this post-9/11 world, we cannot let the terrorists defeat us. And if I lose my ability to send and receive emails from a free internet account at my convenience, then truly THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON!
Breaking News- Bubbles Ate Blanket Jackson!
Blanket Jackson is dead!
Bubbles, who grew more confused and ornery in his old age, allegedly devoured the youngster on Halloween, 2004.
More on this story as it comes to light.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Team Blue, Where Are You?
Cedric traveled by bus, on foot, by car, train, tram, taxi, and possibly by mule, for this weekend's Jerry Bruckheimer-produced trip to Durham. Even though the most cracked out of cities and the loosest of transportation arrangements are (usually) no match for the wits of our esteemed HypePipe contributor, we are wondering if Cedric is gonna be back for Season 2.
Did he make it out of rock town alive?
Did he get back to Orange County before midnight?
Did he defect to the United Arab Emirates on the Dubai leg of the race?
Will he make it back to the G-spot before the break of Kinko's Monday morning?
CEDRIC- your readers await word of your return!
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