This Saturday, May 12th you must beeee at the FlatIron. Some AWESOME bands will be playing and we can't promise that we won't interview them. Come out and see the Embarrassing Fruits, Blank Blank, and some other musical groups that have said, wait a second, fuck Brooklyn, we're staying right here.
...................................HypePipe mourns the death of John Locke.
Although we're pretty sure the Island will bring him back to life before too long. Perhaps after falling to the center of Moria and vanquishing the Balrog atop the peak of Zirakzigil
No shitting you, this is what my Starbucks cup was printed with this morning:
Da Brat is consistently making SO MUCH SENSE on Celebrity Fit Club 5, it is blowing my tiny mind. I am going to have to dedicate a weekly post to her words of wisdom. And if Dustin "touched in the head cause he never got to touch Tiffani-Amber Theissen's tittays" Diamond keeps it up, he might get pushed off the giant scale next week. Or cut.
Mother's Day is almost here! Take a moment to show Mommy you care. We're sure she'd love a homemade card. Or a new uniform. Or comprehensive dental coverage. Or some Swiffer Wet Jet refills! 
Fe Fe Huffman has admitted publicly that she was drizunk on the set of Georgia Rule, which we have been told is a movie.
.............................The Good Ole Days, Pre-Juliet
The small screen was gettin' big sexy last week as Sawyer and Locke entered into a devil's bargain and the noose continued to slowly tighten around stupid little doctor Jack's neck.
Main points:
-Jack and his whore-traitor Juliet are suuuuuuuuch good friends. They even share spoons. And they have some big secret that they're not going to tell Kate about. Kate would kick both their asses but, as we've learned, Juliet is invincible.
-Another wacky Sawyer connection!!!!! But this time somone gets choked with a chain. Hot.
-Desmond and his Merry Men keep their Italiana Mamma hidden from the rest of the camp. Especially Jack. I'm guessing they also keep her sedated so that they might all have their way with her whenever they please.
-Kate and Sawyer are still banging, or at least waking up shirtless together. Kinda like how Jack and Juliet share spoons. Ooo, I smell a Couples' Challenge in the offing...
From the trendy bowels of Tate St.-Greensboro-NC, I am proud to report that Bijou left me here. She said that she was gonna grab a 40 & a sparks 4 me. But the H* never came back!
However I would like to still honor her with this awesome clip....
-BTW - there may be breasases, this is a Mature Youtube Clip. So If you are not 18, go the hell away!-
Paris Hilton in prison? For being a stupid tart? Or because her atomic farts kill puppies? Or for getting drunk and telling Susan Sarandon to fuck off? Or because she pooped in the hamper at David Geffen's Barack Obama fundraiser?
It might have something to do with her DUI parole violating ways, but we think they are probably just locking her up to see her get her weave pulled out by an angry mob of lady prisoners. FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!
James McGreevey:
........With hot jew ex-boyfriend, Golan Cipel
He already brought shame to his family and State, used the power of his office to pressure his intern into sex, and then introduced the unfortunate phrase, "I am a gay American" into the popular lexicon. With so much accomplished already, what could possibly be next for America's other, other Dear Sweet Angel?
That's right, the Church!
"The nation's first openly gay governor (yeah for like two seconds) has become an Episcopalian and been accepted into a seminary, according to a published report." -Washington Blade
Just so's you guys know, with your help and your money, I'm well on my way towards successfully recovering from my terrible car accident where I drunkenly killed someone and then walked away with impunity because of my local celebrity status.
JSLASHK! Even though I am indeed a local celebrity and I am making a painful journey through rehab, I am not Tolly Carr. Only Tolly Carr is Tolly Carr.
And God will punish him for it.
But God loves me, and He wants me to tell you to go over and look at how well I did on my Marijuana 101 test! I, of course, passed with flying colors. Click thru to the Greensborian to check it out!
Once again, you heard it here hours before it happened-
this morning Matt Lauer was indeed broadcasting live from the top of Cape Point, South Africa. With the help of the sky, tea leaves, and clues on www.todayshow.com, we saw the future and painted it in color! (We do it because we love you. )
Highlights From This Morning's Today Show:
Ann said, "You look hot, Matt." (He was sweaty.)
Merd mentioned Matt's BLACK AM EX card. (A transparent and desperate hint for gifts!)
This was the second time Matt opened a broadcast waving around a big stick to ward off wild animals. (The first time was his interview with Paris Hilton, who, like a baboon, will not hesitate to kick you in the dick, take your food, and run.)
The best part? Matt reported from the Indian Ocean and the Atlantic at the same time. So bi-oceanic!!!!
View of Table Mountain- look, it's Oprah's yacht!
Movies at the Labia FINALLY Matt Lauer got his raggedy ass to Dubai, home of Bubbles the Chimp, Halliburton, and all who LOVE LUXURY! As we predicted earlier, Matt touched down in Dubai for a day of luxurious live broadcasting. On top of the pointy hotel! On a heli-pad!
If Matt does not magically appear on televisions across America broadcasting live from Dubai tomorrow (Thursday) or the day after (Friday), may the earthly agents of Jesus Christ our Lord give him a drug resistant staph infection- ON HIS BALLS!
Do you think you have what it takes to be in our Show Choir? Come to tryouts this afternoon in the gym! In addition to singing, the ideal HypePipe Show Choir candidate must be able to:
Do Group Jazz Hands in layered formation...
perform the "Squatting Jackal" Jazz Hand....jpg)
and lean into it! 
Note: Please bring your own sparkle-brimmed bowler hat to tryouts
