HypePipe

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Trend Alert: Spin Class on Acid

OMGPIMP, glow-in-the-dark spinning is THE thing right now in all the coolest cities: Brooklyn, Greensboro, etc... If any of you crazy people out there happen to go to UNCG, you are IN LUCK. For one week only, Hallowe'en Spin Class is being offered at the gym. Blacklights (so wash your clothes), spinning, sprints, jumping, Darkthrone blasting from the speakers -- it's gonna we totally wild. And plus the spin instructor wears a wacky costume the whole time. I'll be there Tuesday. See you then...?

PS: Super Mega Special Kid Nation/Heroes DOUBLE review coming soon! (It's cool because it's double.)

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Please God, Not Malibu!

Damn Yoooooooooou!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Pras Drops New Video; Hilarity Ensues on Today Show

Pras (the t'ird Fugee) has released a new video. This is the description from myspace:

"Pras Michel's latest video "Pop Life" filmed in 7 countries: Hong Kong, Dubai, Haiti, Cuba, Abu-dabi, Macau and the US (emphasis added)."

We don't know what it MEANS, but we do know that those are all places that the Today Show handlers will NEVER let Meredith Vieira go to. Did you see how they're going to drop Ann-bot onto a chunk of ice in Antarctica?!?!?!

And PSOMG, speaking of Ann and Meredith. They are so crazy. Don't stop watching this clip till you hear, "I thought they were up his butt actually."

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Last Night's Kid Nation: Heart Breaking

The biggest development in Bonanza City this week is the apparent abduction of Jared! He made just about two appearances last night and our HypePipe film experts determined that they were compiled mostly from stock footage. Will this politically charged, fractious desert community be able to overcome their loss and hold fair and free elections? Only the free dare to know...

It looked bleak at first, what with all the politically motivated pogo-ing and blatant vote buying (cou-Taylor-gh). Also, what was Greg doing to that poor little crying girl? Also, who's feeding these kids blue gumballs?! It looks like their dying of hypothermia. Yes it seemed as if BC was doomed to suffer under the yoke of partisan bickering forever... Oh wait! A band of plucky children has stolen the hearts and minds of their peers and now stand poised to lead the way to a brighter future! Maybe with new, democratically elected city officials, the sectarian violence will finally end! God bless America and bring back Jared!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Looks like there's hope for 2008 after all!

Though I'm not sure what I'll do with all these Kucinich-Edwards stickers now...

It's official. Stephen Colbert is running for President.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Last Night's Heroes: Two Thumbs Up

This week Cedric was nonplussed but Patrick still found plenty to write about. In any event, both have joined a cult devoted to the worship of Nathan Petrelli's hair. What more could one ask for from a prime-time half-hour drama? Allow us to recapitulate...

-Molly has two daddies! Molly has two daddies! Molly has two daddies!

-Ooooo, who's hotter, Sweaty Wife Beater Sylar or Non-Gel Hair Nathan Petrelli? So HARD!

-We love cousins! We also love how Heroes is weighing in on the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Cousin Monica may have been disapointed by her FEMA trailer, but that's not gonna stop her from applying for the REGIONAL MANAGMENT TRAINING PROGRAM at the McDonald's where she works. Now if only the whole Gulf Coast would follow her example...

-Claire is so much smarter and wiser than she was last year but she's still a stupid little girl for cute boys. OBVIOUSLY HE'S A SPY, GIRL! He's gonna eat you!

-Words of Wisdom from Mama Petrelli: "Just because you shaved doesn't mean you're clean and sober." Ain't that the truth...

-blah blah blah Mexico, running away to America, black death tears...

-The We-May-Live-Together-With-A-Child-But-Really-We're-Not-Gay quote of the night: "If you wanna unload, Matt, go ahead." Man, Matt is lay-um. Has been since Felicity. His character always sucks. I sure hope he goes away soon. Oh wait no. His dad is the guy who killed Mr. Sulu. Fucking great. I guess he's sticking around forever.

-Oh look Peter in the 90s! Nice suspenders...

-Sylar pulls a Serial Mom and kills Derek with a payphone.

-The other We-May-Live-Together-With-A-Child-But-Really-We're-Not-Gay quote of the night: "You know everything about daddy issues?!" Matt, seriously.

-SHIT! Cousin Monica straight whirled around on a pole and kicked that guy in the face -with BOTH FEET! So, wait, her power is that she can do whatever she sees on TV? Seriously? That's the best power ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-VERONICA MARS IS GONNA BE ON HEROES!!!!! Wow, a one-two combo. First the face kick, now this?! Next week is gonna kick so much ass...

BREAKING NEWS!!! Delta Burke to Save Britney?

According to the fine folks at TMZ, Del Shores, writer of "Sordid Lives," is literally HUNTING down B-Ritt to ask her to star in the series he is developiping based on the aformentioned film. Others set to star in the series include Olivia Newton John and Delta Burke.

Between Xanadu and Designing Women, she'll HAVE to break (the cycle) eventually!

Nothing Says Tuesday Like........

DUELING TEEN WITCH YOU TUBE CLIPS!!!!!!!!!

Which one is your fave????

or

-ps- thank you Erica for e-mailing this inspiration to me from beyond the blogger grave!

Monday, October 15, 2007

ATTENTION GSO: IT IS NOW COLD! what are you wearing?

Now that fall has FINALLY reared its SEXY SEXY auburn mane it is time to talk about SWEATERS!

After consulting with our personal ULTRA GAY (TomFord) we have compiled a couple notes on how to dress for the approaching chilly breezes and pre-winter weeks that we all call FALL!

Exhibit A

ARGYLE

This is a look for the boy who has everything…but never paid a dime for it. He prefers to be called by his second middle name and never wakes up before 2. Because going to bed before 3 is for people who know WHERE they will be sleeping on any given night.

Exhibit B

CARDIGAN This is for the boy who thinks he’s getting old, possibly has children, or needs something to expose the breast of his ironic tee. This boy either has impeccable hygiene or never washes at all. Regardless of age or sanitation, this is a thinking man’s boy who either knows what he’s talking about or exactly how to make you believe in whatever happens to be tumbling out of his mouth.

Exhibit C

THE VARF

The VARF (vest + scarf) is for the boy who wants to be a man (and by “man” we mean Justin Timberlake). And he knows the only way to achieve this is to wear complicated home spun variations on classic garments. The vest says “I HAVE A JOB!” The scarf says, “BUT I’M NOT GOING, BECAUSE ITS COLD OUTSIDE!” And together they say, “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY, I HAVE HEARTS TO MAKE THROB AND DANCE MOVES TO CREATE!”

*For extra flair, try taking J.T.’s lead by pairing your varf with and old man hat and a pair of impossibly white Nikes. This will have all the tour sponsors begging for YOUR endorsement!*

VARF TIP: Be mindful of your sleeve situation during the appropriate seasons. No one likes to ruin a perfectly revolutionary ensemble with unsightly goose bumps!

Exhibit D

Sweaters to avoid:

+Those of the “Bill Cosby” variation
+Anything from J-Crew (If you are taller than 4ft.)
+ANYTHING from ANYONE on ANY EPISODE of Friends.

Good Luck!

Sunday, October 14, 2007

I Thought I told You That FEY Don't Stop!

I thought I told you that (Tina) FEY don't stop!

Emmy award winning, most awesome 30 minute one-camera sitcom on EARTH, 30 Rock, has returned for its sophomore season. And the laughs just keep on comin. There's no need to describe the specifics because i don't feel like it so JUST WATCH THE DAMN SHOW! (Or read about it here.)

And for now i will represent my love for Tina and the gang with this YouTube Clip of Tracy Jordan (Morgan) performing his novelty song hit "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah."

-enjoy!

Friday, October 12, 2007

Breaking News: Bonanza City in Desperate Need of ChapStick!

And God, evidently. This week's Kid Nation was all about religion -an unnecessary divergence in our opinion. Cedric took notes, but then we went to Qdoba and they accidentally fell in my burrito and I ate them. Oh well, they're gone now.

Instead let us move our fingers into gyana mudrah and close our eyes. Now follow your breath and project this old youtube clip onto the space between your eyebrows:

Just to clarify,

Overall, we can definitely still say with certainty that Jared is still definitely THE SHIT!!!! Not only does he testify like a Pentecostal Minister (that is, with a dead animal) but he also meditates. Blabadey blah, other stuff happens, Taylor does her thing (tyranny), and Greg is still ugly (on the inside(too)). And we still don't care who the other 32 kids in Bonanza City are.

Aside from Jared the only standout was Ashley, Cody's girl-friend. This mid-western vixen's siren call was far too powerful for poor Cody, and he was eventually lured back to the rolling hills of Nebraska or wherever he's from. We wish him the best in both life and love, however we feel Taylor prolly summed it up best: "Good riddance, queef-face."

Okay, she didn't really say that. Yet.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Breaking News: Local Conservative Newspaper Troika Not Quite As Crazy As We All Thought

So it turns out the Rhino Times isn't affiliated with the KKK after all. You learn something new everyday...

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

This Week's Heroes: A

That's right, this week, we're giving Heroes a simple yet classy A. For a show that can be a bit maudlin at times, this week was refreshingly clean and elegantly produced. OH WAIT, OH MY GOD HER EYES ARE BLEEDING BLACK BLOOD AND EVERYONE'S DEAD! Oh the humanity! Oh God why?! Why have you cursed her so?!?!?!

Points of Interest:

-Seriously, Maya's death eye thing is craaaazy! How can that be caused by a genetic mutation? That doesn't even make sense. And what are we to make of this whole crossing the border storyline anyway? Is Heroes making a statement? Is NBC attempting to provoke a nativist backlash against Honduran immigrants by portraying them as demon cursed harbinger's of death? Also...

-...Is it even really that easy to sneak across the border? There's just a tunnel out there with no lock on it? Just hanging out. What ever happened to that hi-tech camera wall we were gonna build there?

-Claire's BF: Love him or lose him? We just can't decide...his name is West...

-So that Irish chick, she sucks. She has one of those melty tattoos. Which makes sense. We've gotten an evil vibe from her since the very beginning. In any event, we need Peter more than she does! The world needs Peter. If you truly love him, Caitlyn, you must let him go...

-And speaking of hos in love, that Japanese girl in the past is going to be annoying, we can tell. Hiro's going to be all kinds of stupid over her and frankly, we're tired of it already. Get over it. When will people learn? Women always hold you back.

-And just as we were getting over the death of Mr. Sulu (Who's deep voice belies a gay spirit.) along comes Uhura to take his place. She's Micah's...aunt? Maybe? She's not a Gramma, is she? Whatever she is she's practicing some kind of Dion Warwick-esque voodoo magjickk and we loooove it.

-Sylar is back! Still cruhazy, still mean, still sexxxy. But all his powers are gone! Oh no! What'll we do? Hey try eating the fat girl's head. See if that works. No? Oh that's a bummer...

OH YES! WEEKLY!!!

WE LOVE YOU (JULIANNE) MO(O)RE!

Click the above link and scroll to the bottom to see what the hell I'm talking about.

Friday, October 5, 2007

And We Thought Greensboro Politicos Were Crazy

Sure, who hasn't wanted to kill himself at a city council meeting? They're long, boring, you have to listen to other people talk. It's terrible. We've all been there. But dudes, in Tennessee they are so emo about re-zoning, that someone actually did it.

A barber in Clarkesville wanted the city council to rezone his property to increase its value so he could take out a loan, but the city refused.

"Y'all have put me under...I'm out of here," replied the barber. Then he promptly shot himself in the head.

Now, I know we're all still upset about um...what is it now? that whole Canada Dry thing? is that still happening? David Wray maybe...Well whatever it is, let's just rember to take a breath and calm down before doing anything drastic. No one likes a drama queen.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

This Week's Kid Nation: We're Terrorized With Love

DO NOT let this show near an airplane! The love that will invariably well in your bosom could cause your heart to explode. We were tempted to let this picture speak for itself in this post because it so accurately conveys how we feel about the residents of Bonanza City. But so much crizazy shit went down this week, we had no choice but to chronicle every second of it as it happened.

Ladies, Gentlemen, allows us to recap yo ass...:

-GREG IS SUCH A LOSER! We are seriously offended by this guy. He's mean, and ugly, and bracefaced -the three traits we hate more than anything in a person (That and also OBX stickers. Oh and being a cat person).

-We think Poor Innocent Little Christian Mallory Babydoll Girl from Indiana said it best: "I hear Greg talking mean out there..."

-Taylor last week: "I'm sorry but you're just gonna have to starve."
Taylor this week: "QUIET! 930 is our curfew! If anyone has a problem with it, sorry, but you're gonna have to deal with it!"
Taylor next week:

-Green team you are gross. Kids your age don't care about other people! They care about Xbox and Hannah Montana and pizza bagels and stuff. We don't buy your whole little wholesome loser schtick. You're up to something Green Team... and we're on to you.

-"Colton is one the toughest kids, one of the bravest kids Ive ever met in my entire life." -Zac, on Colton.

-For real though, Colton is the toughest kid ever. He goes on a vision quest every day and one time we saw him stare down this bull that was gonna try and charge him until Colton's steely eyed glare turned his bovine heart to glue and killed him.

-This week's challenge was soooo complicated. We still don't know how it worked. There were sheep. And cards. And kids. Oh the kids. Running around and shouting and crying maybe and jumping on the sheep. It was a kind of beautiful chaos really...

-Taylor is a Bush supporter. Are we surprised?

-Seriously. Goody Laurel, Goody Sophia. Cut it out. The world is a cruel place. You can't go through it being nice.

-A fucking sandstorm. A motherfucking sandstorm. Can it get any worse?

-OH MY GOD THE WIND KNOCKED THE TOILETS OVER! This is so much worse than before.

-At Town Meeting, Taylor suffers through a public shaming that makes the VMAs look quaint. She deserves it too, royal bitch. She's a pro about it though. What do you do when the whole world turns on you? Apologize. Promise to do better. Move on. (Britney, you could learn something here.)

-Oh well look at that. Mallory got the gold star...

...but only because there weren't any wheel-chair-bound kids or cute puppies around.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Waiting For Tonight!

Much like J-Lo, I'm all giddy over my plans this evening. However, rather than a maggikal-millenial-forrest-rave, I'll be venturing to the Cat's Cradle in Chapel Hill to see MC CHRIS!

The man who brought us several memorable Aqua Teen Hunger Force charters such as MC Pee Pants and Sir Loin will be opening for Pinback tonight. Who is Pinback? Should I know? Good, because I don't care! I'm purely going to hear really fast rap tracks about fun stuff like trippin on Robotussin, Boba Fet, and white kids who love hip hop! (See the obligatory YouTube clip below to find out why for yourself...)

If you're in the area, at the show, Holla at the skinny boy in the red sweater.

Breakfast of CHAMPIONS!!!

DOUGHNUT HOS!!!!!!!!

Today I put on my best Dear Sweet Angel (D.S.A.) by forgoing the usual 2 doughnuts and a cup of coffee I savor in the AM and opting for the Krispy Kreme creation that defies both logic and sensibility........

The Doughnut Hole.

In celebration of my petite homage to Anna Nicole, I leave you with a clip from the groundbreaking reality series where D.S.A. taught us the TRUE POWER of the Hole!

-enjoy!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Last Night's Heroes: E for EPIC

Yes, Ma Petrelli certainly stole the show, but there's much, much more to talk about. What excrement from Tim Kring's brain did we roll around in from 9:00 to 9:58 last night? Only the dilligent reader will know...

Points of Interest:

- Claire straight up cut her toe off with a pair of scissors.

-Maya's crazy Biblical Black Tears that will kill the devil.

-Alejandro's Hungry Eyes that eat the tears. (What crazy new mutant combos will they think of next?!)

-Hiro is on his wacky screwball hero-quest with the white guy.

-Peter Petrelli naked, bang-less (Did he have bangs last time? I though he had bangs...), and tied to a chair in Ireland. His interrogator, like a soccer mom at the Apple Store the day before Christmas screams, "WHERE ARE THE FUCKING IPODS!"

-No one even cared that Britney's babies got took.

Monday, October 1, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: RADIOHEAD CONTINUES TO MAKE "STRANGE" THE NEW "AWESOME"

While commuting to work this AM, I was fortunate enough to catch word via Idolator that my favorite emaciated cryptic Britt computer band RADIOHEAD shall be finally releasing their new album IN TEN FUCKING DAYS!!!!

'Tis nuts I know, but this way they have managed to avoid advance copies and the leaks that come with them (PURE genius really). AND when you order the digital version (available October 10, pre-order now here) you PAY WHAT YOU WANT!!!!

OK I'm trying to pre-order mine now (be warned the site is taking 4-FOOKING-EVER) so I'm gonna leave you with this Link to a painfully sad stick figure animation set to the classic "Bulletproof, I wish I Was." -enjoy!

Sunday, September 30, 2007

The "Kids" are Burning Brighter Than EVER!!!!

Becase they are on FIRE!!!!!

Last Wednesday, HypePipe's dearest, sweetest, reality-based Double Dare Challenge instilled in us a new kind of joy.

We call it GLEE!

Ande here are our reasons:

+JARED!
+JARED!
+JARED!
+JARED!
+ JARED!
+JARED!

Now this episode was filled with CONFLICT, SACRIFICE, and A HUGE INFLATABLE BOUNCE-HOUSE SLIDE. But Jared continues to be the brightest star to shine on this miracle of a seemingly Dr. Phil sanctioned child-project.

Emilie was another notable standout. She, by far, was THE most affected tot when the kid who reminds us of the devil jumpstarted the chickin killin' dialogue.

She fought the idea, then agreed to it, then freaked out, was O.K., then got pissed all OVER again. Sounds to us like she's ready for own MTV series!

BUT SHE DIDN'T QUIT LIKE JIMMY (who we still love, but aren't inspired by anymore).

All in all, this second episode of Kid Nation was strong confirmation that, just as we hoped that they would, THE TWEENS ARE INHERITING THE EARTH (duhhh)!

Now, I proudly present to you........JARED!

-enjoy!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

How Cool is Chandra Om School of Yoga?

This cool. Maybe even cooler.

Go now to find union with your spiritual heart!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: HypePipe is forced to learn about LOSS!

The HypePipe offices were hit with some rather devastating news this morning that we feel obligated to share with our sexy, well moisturized readership.

Our favorite non-smoking Banjee Gurl and HypePipe co-founder, Erica, will be taking an indefinitely long hiatus from contributing to the pipe. She is moving to Dubai to pursue several projects which include but are not limited to:
· Consulting on the design and construction of "The Cloud"
· Complete her master’s in interior design at the American University In Dubai

· Spreading her AMAZING PEACE all over the Emirates.
· Bringing Buttons to the impoverished children of the slaves that are made to build all the awesome stuff in Dubai
· AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: Helping Bubbles to develop a cure for Vitiligo!

As many of you may or may not know, this phenomenal woman not only co-conceived but carried this cake-eating blog on her back for the past several months. So it is only proper that she step away to re-center, replenish, and find herself within the ultra luxurious trappings of Dubai!

So feel free to overload our e-mail and flood the message boards with your love and devotion and perhaps, just perhaps, If we ALL behave ourselves and think positively enough we will see one of her impeccably impressive posts pop up from the ether of the internets later down the road.

In the meantime Erica, this is for you….

O-P-U-L-E-N-C-E!
Opulence IS YOU. YOU OWN EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING IS YOURS!

And You Will Be Missed...

With tons of LOVE...

(Up your butt)!

-Cedric and Patrick

Heroes Returns, HypePipe Ambivalent

So, last night was the Heroes premier and as befitting HypePipe's murcurial nature, we both loved and didn't care about it (we have no room in our hearts for hate). It was kind of boring, but an advancement of the story nonetheless.

Points of Interest:

-Nathan Petrelli's Beard. And the fact that he's not dead or sterile from all the radiation.
-Claire's Dad (His name is NOAH!?) working at Pop-Copy's new Costa Verde branch. Because we love paper, even though we never use it (because this is a blog).
-White people in 17th century Japan.
-"Mother, you're evil."
-George Takai's voice being 4 decibles too low to hear. Thank God for subtitles.
-The Eclipse again! What Does it Mean!?!?!?!
-Claire's new boyfriend can fly.
-Peter Petrelli chained up and naked in a shipping crate in Ireland that was supposed to be filled with i-Pod Nano's or something. Obviously.
-Those Irish people had THE WORST Irish accents we've ever heard.
-Nathan Petrelli's Beard.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Bollinger to Mahmmy: It's Over!

We here at the HypePipe International News Bureau Head Quarters in New York (pictured above) spent a good part of the day today, like you I'm sure, glued to the TV. Disc one of season two of Weeds came in the Netflix while we were waiting for our sexy interns to bring us lunch from Cosi. Let's just say I didn't get around to picking up my wife's dry cleaning tonight like she asked me to.

But nearly as importantly, when our breathless, ruddy-faced interns returned, they told us something that made us spit out our Sobe all over our varfs: Lee Bollinger totally broke up with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad! In public. And it was ugly.

Sources close to the story told our interns who told us that Lee had invited Mahmoud over for a little "get-together" at Columbia. Apparently, Mahmoud thought he was going to be speaking or something. Rumor has it they were all over each other in the Alumni House coat-room and our spys tell us they even chatted about how much they both looooove Hillary Clinton. And then, all of a sudden, in front of everyone, Lee just totally bitched Mahmoud out. I mean it was brutal.

Here see for yourself. Unfortunately, thanks to the YouTube Gestapo*, the only clip we could find was from FOX Noise. No worries though, they hate Ahmadinejad almost as much as they hate Columbia, so I'm pretty sure the footage is un-edited...

*Sorry Mahmmy, alleged Gestapo.

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