HypePipe

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Live Blogging from Colorado

We're in Colorado. Because we need some space. You would too if this were your fiance.

We feel really bad about ourselves for supporting the RIDICULARITY that is The Hills. Almost as bad as when we watch this show, but not quite. The latest and greatest episode to date brings Heidi to Crusted Butt, CO for some much needed SPACE. (I guess she's never heard of Space Camp, a summer program for the emotionally stunted.) Spencer even has a sister in this episode! With BRAIDS. Heidi and Spencer's relationship is starting to remind us of another L.A. couple...

Meanwhile in GAYE PAREE, Lauren is getting flirtatious (i.e. drunk and LOOSE) with some sketchy French hipsters.

This is France's answer to Justin Bobby, giving Lauren the EYE. (And by the "eye" we mean pink eye. Eventually. And syphillis.)

Lauren is really sad about Brody dating some chick back in L.A. (thanks for the bad news HO-drina!) and decides to grab life by the crepes and enjoy her new friends. She and Whitney (poor, poor Whitney!) meet les hipsters at a "fancy" club with a dress code that stipulates prom attire. Nothing happens, but for a second it looks like Lauren and le Rocker are going to be sexin' in the club like an R. Kelly video.

The problems of all these people on the Hills can be solved with just one thing: SOME SELF ESTEAM! If anything can stop Lauren from trying to derive her self worth from dating male whores and if anything can stop Heidi from recording "songs" and designing clothes, IT'S LOTION!

It is not just the girls Dove has singled out in its Real Beauty campaign who need help...

Heidi needs Dove too!!!! (Or at least some outreach and a social worker)

Then again, if people in L.A. had self esteem, there would be nothing good to watch on TV. CARRY ON HILLS!

But we still need some space.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Sexxy (Muscular) Hospitals

Sometimes two articles appear in the NY Times on the same day that explain a lot about Robin Antin's disproportionate (and LOOSE) influence on our psyche.

Today we learned that sex infections are on the rise among teen girls and at the same time sexxy hospital wings are on the rise in Ohio. In a fitting tribute to the head trauma, car accident and gunshot victims of the Columbus area, ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH donated $10 million and some posters of male nipples to the Columbus Children's Hospital to name its trauma and emergency department after it.

We blame all this on the Robin Antin and the Pussycat Dolls new project, Girlicious:

This video explains why, in the future, all health care will be financed by tween clothing outlets:

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Ryan Phillippe, We Have Our (THIRD) Eye On YOU

Is it just us, or...

could Ryan Phillippe in some way fulfill Heath Ledger's unlived potential, dream the undreamt dreams of a talented life cut short? At the very least, he will plug up, if only for a brief moment, the gaping hole in the zeitgeist that was left by Heath's untimely departure from this mortal coil (Brooklyn). WE THINK!

Sure, he kinda sucked in Crash (a movie which actually sucked) and hasn't done much that we can even remember, but he's got SERIOUS movies coming out. This is how serious:

Baby Laptops

Baby laptops, built for babies (and perhaps by babies), have caught our attention. Mostly because they can be had for a mere 1oo bones! But also because they can survive x-treme weather and dropping from great heights and African dust storms and they get the internets, like, anywhere.

We are pretty bored with the old model of financing computers and replacing them the second a drop of Sparks enters the keyboard. If they can stream Hype Machine and open gmail, we are GETTIN BABY LAPTOPS!!!!

Thank you Hundred Dollar Laptop man!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Why We Love the Today Show

Here's the YouTube clip we've been waiting allDAY for! When the Today Show started its contest "Why I Love the Today Show" we had no idea Miss Jane Fonda would give us SO MANY REASONS in just one vag-tastic interview.

It includes Merd's PRICELESS attempt at a composed apology. Out on the plaza. Because nothing says gravitas like going out on the lanai.

Thank goodness they sent Ann-bot to Africa (in yet ANOTHER attempt to get her killed). She would have blown a c-word circuit!

Monday, February 11, 2008

They Were Such a Happy Couple...

Friday, February 8, 2008

FRIDAYS ARE 4 (FUR) FASHION

Brave (AND STRONG) correspondent, Cedric, reporting LIVE from the Chelsea/Manhattan/Bed-Stuy Field Offices of HypePipe:

"So this broke ass ho is about to leave werk and since I am too poor to go somewhere and drink right away, I've decided to take the train up to Bryant Park and linger outside the final show of fashion week which just happens to be Sean Jean.

I'm tinkin that with any luck, i'll catcha pita activist being shot 4 trying to pour paint on Diddy's moms!"

To celebrate fashion weak, watch this video of a falling ass model!

Friday, January 4, 2008

WENDY'S IS ROBBING YOU ALL!!

So Before I left the G-Spot the Super Value Menu at Wendy's had suddenly become a bit more pricey (and pricey, I mean more than 99 cent).

At Home, I once heard a clerk explain to a feisty landscaper one day that the price increase was seasonal and it happens all the time...........

GREENSBORO that was DOO DOO FECES!

I just found today that the Wendy's near Prospect Park in Brooklyn STILL HAS THE ORIGINAL PRICES!!!!!!!!!!!!

and I ain’t mad.

But in parting, PLEASE VISTIT our bff's @ MONKEYWHALE to view the hottest footage of the 4th Ever HypePipe City-Wide Spelling Bea Arthur to ever be recorded and published on the internets!

And speaking of the internets.........in order to quail any rumors, the clip below is not me but represents what I have been up to 24-7 since arriving at my new home.

-enjoy!

Tay(Diggs)Amo!

Monday, December 31, 2007

Cedric Arrives in Brooklyn... WE ARE SO HAPPY/SAD!

It's true- Anna Nicole is rotting away in a hole in the Bahamas (OR IS SHE?), Benazir Bhutto is unable to fulfill the promise of democratic rule in Pakistan, and CEDRIC IS IN BROOKLYN!

This is Erica, guest-posting LIVE from my internship at the Dubai Centre for Human Rights, and trying to put all of this REALNESS into words. The whole city of Greensboro is thoroughly excited to have a local emissary established deep in the heart of cafe life and sexy streetwear (or streety sexwear?) known as Brooklyn, but we've really had a hard time adjusting.

We've been crying and eating lots of ice cream. In Minsk! (Patrick wouldn't shut up about how cutting edge Eastern Europe is, so we took a trip right after Cedric left and buried our faces in Belarusian Dairy Queen.)

Then we got bloated and switched to cake.

Even the buildings were crying! It was a rough weekend.

We decided it was probably a good thing that we never killed Cedric so he would stay here forever.

NONETHELESS we must attempt at least the barest of tributes to the person who has put more than just his TITS into this blog. He was the rich soil from which both HypePipe and Sexxy Sexxy Muscular Black Guys sprung (among many other things which would fill more than a dozen spiral notebooks). He taught old and young to love the Grapevine. He sent text messages. A lot.

He also told us what was happening.

Cedric, for those familiar with Malcolm Gladwell's The Tipping Point, is Greensboro's ultimate connector. He has been the essential Jenga piece, if you will, of life in this city of 250,00 sticks of wood. No matter how gently Cedric slides out of the pile, the whole world as we know it could disintegrate before our eyes!

So Cedric, until we see your postings from the hip outpost, we SALUTE you!!!!!!!! And by "you," we mean, your butt.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas!

Stay safe out there.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Leslie Feist can’t come to the 4th EVER HYPEPIPE CITY-WIDE SPELLING BEA (ARTHER) either!

BUT SHE SENT THIS FROM A BUS!!!!

Pardon the Kimmel and cometo the Bea!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: CHRIS DAUGHTRY WILL NOT BE ATTENDING THE 4TH EVER HYPEPIPE CITYWIDE SPELLING BEA (ARTHUR)!!

And we couldn’t BEA more excited!

For those of you who have been concerned, we are indeed alive and are coming back with a VENGEANCE! And by “vengeance” we mean………

THE 4TH EVER HYPEPIPE CITYWIDE SPELLING BEA (ARTHUR)!!!

To celebrate the arrival of our favorite season, TWINter, we will once again converge upon The Flatiron @ 8:00 pm on Saturday, December 22 to spell, yell, and raise all kinds of (John Mc)CAIN!

We’ll be celebrating Patrick graduating from the university where they say that’s not possible (yoU Never Can, in Greensboro). Cedric will be celebrating his last week in the G-spot before moving to the hamlet of Brooklyn, NY. And Erica (remember her) will be showing off her new door-knocker earrings which will be sure to cause a STIR!

AND there will be a very special appearance and performance by Hypepipe’s resident house band SexxySexxyMuscularBlackGuys!!!!

AND our brand new friends from BURN Energy Drink will be on hand adding fuel to our non-traditional holiday flame (clean burning of course cause we’re still green ya’ll)!

So ditch your family (or bring ‘em if they can take it). Scalp those Daughtry tickets (Because if anyone will be back to GSO Coliseum it is him, or them, or whatever the hell they are). And get ready to spell a hole into the ground deep enough for us to make it to Beijing by the 2008 Summer Games.

seeyouTHERE!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Attention Readers: Scab Alert!

That's right some no good, probably illegal immigrants have broken our Writer's Guild Solidarity Strike! This is what a police state looks like!

Here at HypePipe Headquarters, we've been doing our best to support the cause...We aren't going to write a single hilarous joke until our brothers and sisters on the picket line get the residual payments they deserve! But our vigilance is not eternal.

Yesterday, Jason (pictured above), who was supposed to be collecting signatures, took a nap without locking up the blogging chamber. Consequently, some dirty scab was able to slip in and make a funny about Kid Nation. Of course we fired Jason this morning, but we wanted to personally assure you that it won't happen again.

Well actually it might. Basically, the door knob on the door to our office is kinda broken right now,

so anyone can pretty much come up here and blog unless there's someone on look-out duty. We can't be up here all the time so, if you see any posts before the strike is over, just ignore them.

It's probably another scab. Or a homeless person

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Who Needs a Wii?

When you can do your Christmas shopping IN THE BONANZA CITY GIFT SHOP!!!!!

Jared, the "Bill Gates" of Bonanza City, got to work on the steam powered t-shirt press as soon as Kid Nation wrapped and secured a deal to receive 20% of the proceeds from all sales. AND HE'S SPENDING IT ALL ON UNICORN POPS.

... laced with LSD

Friday, November 16, 2007

ATTENTION WAL-MART SHOPPERS............

YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM TYRA BANKS!

Just ask poor Jaslene.

Last cycle's winner was forced by the mighty pony thighs of Tyra and Queen Latifa's friends over at Cover Girl to not only make an in-"store" appearance at Wal-Mart BUT TO TAPE THE SHIT!

Luckily, it looked like our Puerto Rican Gia had herself a blast! And I have nothing against that at all. But Tyra, you promise to introduce these girls to a life full of glamour, flashbulbs, and criticism, then you turn around as soon as they win and sell their asses to Cover Girl who, in-turn, send them to events that could just as easily be hosted by Charla and Mirna of the Amazing Race.

I thought it was low when you made Naima sit in that tiny Walgreens and sign autographs a couple years ago, but you have indeed proved me wrong AGAIN! And for that, I thank you Tyra!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

It's Wednesday, Thus We Must Post

Heroes happened on Monday, it was surprising as promised. But not too. We'd say more, but there's a strike on...

Friday, November 9, 2007

HypePipe Investigates: The Lost Children of Kid Nation

For months, Kid Nation has been abuzz with talk of the Taylors and Gregs. Crazy Divad and Michael, the great orator. But what of the other children? The Nathans and Kennedeys? What about that crazy pink hair girl? And what happened to Colby's hair? Is that even his name!? Colby?

Well, this week HypePipe Investigates takes a long hard look at...

Yes this week it's all about those other kids. The homeschoolers and Kentuckians who are just now starting to worm their way into the spotlight.

For example, this is Kennedy. She "dares to be different" and doesn't mind making a fool out of herself in front of other people. Thus, obviously, she is a "great kid" -according to Mike. Weirdo. Kennedy, against all logic, eventually wins the gold star this week. We know, it doesn't make any sense. Because unlike that other girl from Kentucky, Savannah, she didn't cry at all. And unlike Divad, she didn't make anyone any potatoes.

And then there's Nathan...

Poor, strange, probably gay little Nathan. Actually Nathan wasn't even on screen this week, but that just shows how lost he truly is. Like Kennedey, Nathan blew past Divad to snatch the gold star out from underneath her oil-scarred nose last week. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to have won him any friends. We're pretty sure Greg still beats him up (in a weirdly homoerotic way) every day.

And we would be remiss if we didn't mention Migle and Natasha.

Yes, her name is Migle. Maybe it's Irish. These two are as thick as thieves. Like Laverne and Shirley, or an erstwhile Paris and Nicole. (I don't know what that means either, Jason.) Natasha and Migle don't work too hard, which is good because they are way too pretty. They're also the oldest girls in town, which means that in the event of a disaster, they'll be the ones who have to repopulate the world with Greg and Blaine. Blaine who you ask? Good question.

This is Blaine. He's like a non-crossdressing, acne-free Greg. He may also be a girl.

And finally these kids don't really have names, but they do have cool hair.

Viva Kid Nation!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Let Us Pray.....

For dear sweet Ann-bot Curry and her safe arival to and departure from THE MIGHTY SOUTH POLE!

Seriously, we miss that bitch!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Last Night's Heroes: Ground Breaking

Someone call the Guiness people, I think last night's Heroes was officially the first time anyone has made out while listening to music ON A CELL PHONE on a primetime television program. Even more groundbreaking, Al Gore is gonna be on 30 Rock this week! Because one Emmy is never enough. Also everything on NBC is green now, even the Heroes eclips. And Ann Curry is in Antarctica. Will Nathan Petrelli be the next to bow to GE's awesome syngery and start spewing liberal-media-global-warming-propaganda? Read on gentle souls, read on...

In short, no. Though it can only be a matter of time. Having addressed the issues of porous borders and the slow rehabilitation of New Orleans, it's only logical that global climate change should follow. Perhaps Hiro will go back in time and assassinate Henry Ford.

But for now, the only issue getting raised is the issue of how high Nathan's hair can get before it becomes too rediculous. Answer: not high enough. In other news, Matt's dad is trapped in his mind and Matt grew a pair, but he's still a total geek with weird daddy issues. Mohinder's blood doesn't cure the anti-mutant disease anymore, which means Nikki/Jessica is gonna die. It also means that Molly is officially the most capable person living in her house. Speaking of daddy issues, Noah Bennett (aka The Man in the Horned Rimmed Glasses) is POed at Clair for having a boyfriend. (Creepy.) But not as POed as West was when he found out Clair's dad was that bad man who touched him wrong. Hiro's back from the past, dumb Irish chick is lost in the future, and Ma Petrelli somehow snaps Peter back into the present. Adam is the new Sylar and Sylar is presumably still hot and sweaty and hot somewhere in the SW.

DA END.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Another Day, Another Troubled Starlet

So Shia LaBeouhan (of Even Stevens fame) was totally Hasselhoffed in a Walgreens somewhere last night. My God, is innocence truly lost? Remember when he was just a little thing? Remember Smart House?

Was that him? Maybe? They all look the same to me, children do.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

WE r Back.......

Joan says: "Click me to make me super big!"

Heros is starting to bum our collective stone!

KID NATION IS STILL THE BEST SHOW ON EARTH

SINCE FALCON CREST!!!!!!

b.t.w.

Oprah quit steadman

this is devistating for Cedric, have u an oppppppinion?

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Trend Alert: Spin Class on Acid

OMGPIMP, glow-in-the-dark spinning is THE thing right now in all the coolest cities: Brooklyn, Greensboro, etc... If any of you crazy people out there happen to go to UNCG, you are IN LUCK. For one week only, Hallowe'en Spin Class is being offered at the gym. Blacklights (so wash your clothes), spinning, sprints, jumping, Darkthrone blasting from the speakers -- it's gonna we totally wild. And plus the spin instructor wears a wacky costume the whole time. I'll be there Tuesday. See you then...?

PS: Super Mega Special Kid Nation/Heroes DOUBLE review coming soon! (It's cool because it's double.)

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Please God, Not Malibu!

Damn Yoooooooooou!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Pras Drops New Video; Hilarity Ensues on Today Show

Pras (the t'ird Fugee) has released a new video. This is the description from myspace:

"Pras Michel's latest video "Pop Life" filmed in 7 countries: Hong Kong, Dubai, Haiti, Cuba, Abu-dabi, Macau and the US (emphasis added)."

We don't know what it MEANS, but we do know that those are all places that the Today Show handlers will NEVER let Meredith Vieira go to. Did you see how they're going to drop Ann-bot onto a chunk of ice in Antarctica?!?!?!

And PSOMG, speaking of Ann and Meredith. They are so crazy. Don't stop watching this clip till you hear, "I thought they were up his butt actually."

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Last Night's Kid Nation: Heart Breaking

The biggest development in Bonanza City this week is the apparent abduction of Jared! He made just about two appearances last night and our HypePipe film experts determined that they were compiled mostly from stock footage. Will this politically charged, fractious desert community be able to overcome their loss and hold fair and free elections? Only the free dare to know...

It looked bleak at first, what with all the politically motivated pogo-ing and blatant vote buying (cou-Taylor-gh). Also, what was Greg doing to that poor little crying girl? Also, who's feeding these kids blue gumballs?! It looks like their dying of hypothermia. Yes it seemed as if BC was doomed to suffer under the yoke of partisan bickering forever... Oh wait! A band of plucky children has stolen the hearts and minds of their peers and now stand poised to lead the way to a brighter future! Maybe with new, democratically elected city officials, the sectarian violence will finally end! God bless America and bring back Jared!

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