HypePipe

Monday, December 31, 2007

Cedric Arrives in Brooklyn... WE ARE SO HAPPY/SAD!

It's true- Anna Nicole is rotting away in a hole in the Bahamas (OR IS SHE?), Benazir Bhutto is unable to fulfill the promise of democratic rule in Pakistan, and CEDRIC IS IN BROOKLYN!

This is Erica, guest-posting LIVE from my internship at the Dubai Centre for Human Rights, and trying to put all of this REALNESS into words. The whole city of Greensboro is thoroughly excited to have a local emissary established deep in the heart of cafe life and sexy streetwear (or streety sexwear?) known as Brooklyn, but we've really had a hard time adjusting.

We've been crying and eating lots of ice cream. In Minsk! (Patrick wouldn't shut up about how cutting edge Eastern Europe is, so we took a trip right after Cedric left and buried our faces in Belarusian Dairy Queen.)

Then we got bloated and switched to cake.

Even the buildings were crying! It was a rough weekend.

We decided it was probably a good thing that we never killed Cedric so he would stay here forever.

NONETHELESS we must attempt at least the barest of tributes to the person who has put more than just his TITS into this blog. He was the rich soil from which both HypePipe and Sexxy Sexxy Muscular Black Guys sprung (among many other things which would fill more than a dozen spiral notebooks). He taught old and young to love the Grapevine. He sent text messages. A lot.

He also told us what was happening.

Cedric, for those familiar with Malcolm Gladwell's The Tipping Point, is Greensboro's ultimate connector. He has been the essential Jenga piece, if you will, of life in this city of 250,00 sticks of wood. No matter how gently Cedric slides out of the pile, the whole world as we know it could disintegrate before our eyes!

So Cedric, until we see your postings from the hip outpost, we SALUTE you!!!!!!!! And by "you," we mean, your butt.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas!

Stay safe out there.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Leslie Feist can’t come to the 4th EVER HYPEPIPE CITY-WIDE SPELLING BEA (ARTHER) either!

BUT SHE SENT THIS FROM A BUS!!!!

Pardon the Kimmel and cometo the Bea!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: CHRIS DAUGHTRY WILL NOT BE ATTENDING THE 4TH EVER HYPEPIPE CITYWIDE SPELLING BEA (ARTHUR)!!

And we couldn’t BEA more excited!

For those of you who have been concerned, we are indeed alive and are coming back with a VENGEANCE! And by “vengeance” we mean………

THE 4TH EVER HYPEPIPE CITYWIDE SPELLING BEA (ARTHUR)!!!

To celebrate the arrival of our favorite season, TWINter, we will once again converge upon The Flatiron @ 8:00 pm on Saturday, December 22 to spell, yell, and raise all kinds of (John Mc)CAIN!

We’ll be celebrating Patrick graduating from the university where they say that’s not possible (yoU Never Can, in Greensboro). Cedric will be celebrating his last week in the G-spot before moving to the hamlet of Brooklyn, NY. And Erica (remember her) will be showing off her new door-knocker earrings which will be sure to cause a STIR!

AND there will be a very special appearance and performance by Hypepipe’s resident house band SexxySexxyMuscularBlackGuys!!!!

AND our brand new friends from BURN Energy Drink will be on hand adding fuel to our non-traditional holiday flame (clean burning of course cause we’re still green ya’ll)!

So ditch your family (or bring ‘em if they can take it). Scalp those Daughtry tickets (Because if anyone will be back to GSO Coliseum it is him, or them, or whatever the hell they are). And get ready to spell a hole into the ground deep enough for us to make it to Beijing by the 2008 Summer Games.

seeyouTHERE!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Attention Readers: Scab Alert!

That's right some no good, probably illegal immigrants have broken our Writer's Guild Solidarity Strike! This is what a police state looks like!

Here at HypePipe Headquarters, we've been doing our best to support the cause...We aren't going to write a single hilarous joke until our brothers and sisters on the picket line get the residual payments they deserve! But our vigilance is not eternal.

Yesterday, Jason (pictured above), who was supposed to be collecting signatures, took a nap without locking up the blogging chamber. Consequently, some dirty scab was able to slip in and make a funny about Kid Nation. Of course we fired Jason this morning, but we wanted to personally assure you that it won't happen again.

Well actually it might. Basically, the door knob on the door to our office is kinda broken right now,

so anyone can pretty much come up here and blog unless there's someone on look-out duty. We can't be up here all the time so, if you see any posts before the strike is over, just ignore them.

It's probably another scab. Or a homeless person

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Who Needs a Wii?

When you can do your Christmas shopping IN THE BONANZA CITY GIFT SHOP!!!!!

Jared, the "Bill Gates" of Bonanza City, got to work on the steam powered t-shirt press as soon as Kid Nation wrapped and secured a deal to receive 20% of the proceeds from all sales. AND HE'S SPENDING IT ALL ON UNICORN POPS.

... laced with LSD

Friday, November 16, 2007

ATTENTION WAL-MART SHOPPERS............

YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM TYRA BANKS!

Just ask poor Jaslene.

Last cycle's winner was forced by the mighty pony thighs of Tyra and Queen Latifa's friends over at Cover Girl to not only make an in-"store" appearance at Wal-Mart BUT TO TAPE THE SHIT!

Luckily, it looked like our Puerto Rican Gia had herself a blast! And I have nothing against that at all. But Tyra, you promise to introduce these girls to a life full of glamour, flashbulbs, and criticism, then you turn around as soon as they win and sell their asses to Cover Girl who, in-turn, send them to events that could just as easily be hosted by Charla and Mirna of the Amazing Race.

I thought it was low when you made Naima sit in that tiny Walgreens and sign autographs a couple years ago, but you have indeed proved me wrong AGAIN! And for that, I thank you Tyra!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

It's Wednesday, Thus We Must Post

Heroes happened on Monday, it was surprising as promised. But not too. We'd say more, but there's a strike on...

Friday, November 9, 2007

HypePipe Investigates: The Lost Children of Kid Nation

For months, Kid Nation has been abuzz with talk of the Taylors and Gregs. Crazy Divad and Michael, the great orator. But what of the other children? The Nathans and Kennedeys? What about that crazy pink hair girl? And what happened to Colby's hair? Is that even his name!? Colby?

Well, this week HypePipe Investigates takes a long hard look at...

Yes this week it's all about those other kids. The homeschoolers and Kentuckians who are just now starting to worm their way into the spotlight.

For example, this is Kennedy. She "dares to be different" and doesn't mind making a fool out of herself in front of other people. Thus, obviously, she is a "great kid" -according to Mike. Weirdo. Kennedy, against all logic, eventually wins the gold star this week. We know, it doesn't make any sense. Because unlike that other girl from Kentucky, Savannah, she didn't cry at all. And unlike Divad, she didn't make anyone any potatoes.

And then there's Nathan...

Poor, strange, probably gay little Nathan. Actually Nathan wasn't even on screen this week, but that just shows how lost he truly is. Like Kennedey, Nathan blew past Divad to snatch the gold star out from underneath her oil-scarred nose last week. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to have won him any friends. We're pretty sure Greg still beats him up (in a weirdly homoerotic way) every day.

And we would be remiss if we didn't mention Migle and Natasha.

Yes, her name is Migle. Maybe it's Irish. These two are as thick as thieves. Like Laverne and Shirley, or an erstwhile Paris and Nicole. (I don't know what that means either, Jason.) Natasha and Migle don't work too hard, which is good because they are way too pretty. They're also the oldest girls in town, which means that in the event of a disaster, they'll be the ones who have to repopulate the world with Greg and Blaine. Blaine who you ask? Good question.

This is Blaine. He's like a non-crossdressing, acne-free Greg. He may also be a girl.

And finally these kids don't really have names, but they do have cool hair.

Viva Kid Nation!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Let Us Pray.....

For dear sweet Ann-bot Curry and her safe arival to and departure from THE MIGHTY SOUTH POLE!

Seriously, we miss that bitch!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Last Night's Heroes: Ground Breaking

Someone call the Guiness people, I think last night's Heroes was officially the first time anyone has made out while listening to music ON A CELL PHONE on a primetime television program. Even more groundbreaking, Al Gore is gonna be on 30 Rock this week! Because one Emmy is never enough. Also everything on NBC is green now, even the Heroes eclips. And Ann Curry is in Antarctica. Will Nathan Petrelli be the next to bow to GE's awesome syngery and start spewing liberal-media-global-warming-propaganda? Read on gentle souls, read on...

In short, no. Though it can only be a matter of time. Having addressed the issues of porous borders and the slow rehabilitation of New Orleans, it's only logical that global climate change should follow. Perhaps Hiro will go back in time and assassinate Henry Ford.

But for now, the only issue getting raised is the issue of how high Nathan's hair can get before it becomes too rediculous. Answer: not high enough. In other news, Matt's dad is trapped in his mind and Matt grew a pair, but he's still a total geek with weird daddy issues. Mohinder's blood doesn't cure the anti-mutant disease anymore, which means Nikki/Jessica is gonna die. It also means that Molly is officially the most capable person living in her house. Speaking of daddy issues, Noah Bennett (aka The Man in the Horned Rimmed Glasses) is POed at Clair for having a boyfriend. (Creepy.) But not as POed as West was when he found out Clair's dad was that bad man who touched him wrong. Hiro's back from the past, dumb Irish chick is lost in the future, and Ma Petrelli somehow snaps Peter back into the present. Adam is the new Sylar and Sylar is presumably still hot and sweaty and hot somewhere in the SW.

DA END.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Another Day, Another Troubled Starlet

So Shia LaBeouhan (of Even Stevens fame) was totally Hasselhoffed in a Walgreens somewhere last night. My God, is innocence truly lost? Remember when he was just a little thing? Remember Smart House?

Was that him? Maybe? They all look the same to me, children do.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

WE r Back.......

Joan says: "Click me to make me super big!"

Heros is starting to bum our collective stone!

KID NATION IS STILL THE BEST SHOW ON EARTH

SINCE FALCON CREST!!!!!!

b.t.w.

Oprah quit steadman

this is devistating for Cedric, have u an oppppppinion?

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Trend Alert: Spin Class on Acid

OMGPIMP, glow-in-the-dark spinning is THE thing right now in all the coolest cities: Brooklyn, Greensboro, etc... If any of you crazy people out there happen to go to UNCG, you are IN LUCK. For one week only, Hallowe'en Spin Class is being offered at the gym. Blacklights (so wash your clothes), spinning, sprints, jumping, Darkthrone blasting from the speakers -- it's gonna we totally wild. And plus the spin instructor wears a wacky costume the whole time. I'll be there Tuesday. See you then...?

PS: Super Mega Special Kid Nation/Heroes DOUBLE review coming soon! (It's cool because it's double.)

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Please God, Not Malibu!

Damn Yoooooooooou!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Pras Drops New Video; Hilarity Ensues on Today Show

Pras (the t'ird Fugee) has released a new video. This is the description from myspace:

"Pras Michel's latest video "Pop Life" filmed in 7 countries: Hong Kong, Dubai, Haiti, Cuba, Abu-dabi, Macau and the US (emphasis added)."

We don't know what it MEANS, but we do know that those are all places that the Today Show handlers will NEVER let Meredith Vieira go to. Did you see how they're going to drop Ann-bot onto a chunk of ice in Antarctica?!?!?!

And PSOMG, speaking of Ann and Meredith. They are so crazy. Don't stop watching this clip till you hear, "I thought they were up his butt actually."

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Last Night's Kid Nation: Heart Breaking

The biggest development in Bonanza City this week is the apparent abduction of Jared! He made just about two appearances last night and our HypePipe film experts determined that they were compiled mostly from stock footage. Will this politically charged, fractious desert community be able to overcome their loss and hold fair and free elections? Only the free dare to know...

It looked bleak at first, what with all the politically motivated pogo-ing and blatant vote buying (cou-Taylor-gh). Also, what was Greg doing to that poor little crying girl? Also, who's feeding these kids blue gumballs?! It looks like their dying of hypothermia. Yes it seemed as if BC was doomed to suffer under the yoke of partisan bickering forever... Oh wait! A band of plucky children has stolen the hearts and minds of their peers and now stand poised to lead the way to a brighter future! Maybe with new, democratically elected city officials, the sectarian violence will finally end! God bless America and bring back Jared!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Looks like there's hope for 2008 after all!

Though I'm not sure what I'll do with all these Kucinich-Edwards stickers now...

It's official. Stephen Colbert is running for President.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Last Night's Heroes: Two Thumbs Up

This week Cedric was nonplussed but Patrick still found plenty to write about. In any event, both have joined a cult devoted to the worship of Nathan Petrelli's hair. What more could one ask for from a prime-time half-hour drama? Allow us to recapitulate...

-Molly has two daddies! Molly has two daddies! Molly has two daddies!

-Ooooo, who's hotter, Sweaty Wife Beater Sylar or Non-Gel Hair Nathan Petrelli? So HARD!

-We love cousins! We also love how Heroes is weighing in on the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Cousin Monica may have been disapointed by her FEMA trailer, but that's not gonna stop her from applying for the REGIONAL MANAGMENT TRAINING PROGRAM at the McDonald's where she works. Now if only the whole Gulf Coast would follow her example...

-Claire is so much smarter and wiser than she was last year but she's still a stupid little girl for cute boys. OBVIOUSLY HE'S A SPY, GIRL! He's gonna eat you!

-Words of Wisdom from Mama Petrelli: "Just because you shaved doesn't mean you're clean and sober." Ain't that the truth...

-blah blah blah Mexico, running away to America, black death tears...

-The We-May-Live-Together-With-A-Child-But-Really-We're-Not-Gay quote of the night: "If you wanna unload, Matt, go ahead." Man, Matt is lay-um. Has been since Felicity. His character always sucks. I sure hope he goes away soon. Oh wait no. His dad is the guy who killed Mr. Sulu. Fucking great. I guess he's sticking around forever.

-Oh look Peter in the 90s! Nice suspenders...

-Sylar pulls a Serial Mom and kills Derek with a payphone.

-The other We-May-Live-Together-With-A-Child-But-Really-We're-Not-Gay quote of the night: "You know everything about daddy issues?!" Matt, seriously.

-SHIT! Cousin Monica straight whirled around on a pole and kicked that guy in the face -with BOTH FEET! So, wait, her power is that she can do whatever she sees on TV? Seriously? That's the best power ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-VERONICA MARS IS GONNA BE ON HEROES!!!!! Wow, a one-two combo. First the face kick, now this?! Next week is gonna kick so much ass...

BREAKING NEWS!!! Delta Burke to Save Britney?

According to the fine folks at TMZ, Del Shores, writer of "Sordid Lives," is literally HUNTING down B-Ritt to ask her to star in the series he is developiping based on the aformentioned film. Others set to star in the series include Olivia Newton John and Delta Burke.

Between Xanadu and Designing Women, she'll HAVE to break (the cycle) eventually!

Nothing Says Tuesday Like........

DUELING TEEN WITCH YOU TUBE CLIPS!!!!!!!!!

Which one is your fave????

or

-ps- thank you Erica for e-mailing this inspiration to me from beyond the blogger grave!

Monday, October 15, 2007

ATTENTION GSO: IT IS NOW COLD! what are you wearing?

Now that fall has FINALLY reared its SEXY SEXY auburn mane it is time to talk about SWEATERS!

After consulting with our personal ULTRA GAY (TomFord) we have compiled a couple notes on how to dress for the approaching chilly breezes and pre-winter weeks that we all call FALL!

Exhibit A

ARGYLE

This is a look for the boy who has everything…but never paid a dime for it. He prefers to be called by his second middle name and never wakes up before 2. Because going to bed before 3 is for people who know WHERE they will be sleeping on any given night.

Exhibit B

CARDIGAN This is for the boy who thinks he’s getting old, possibly has children, or needs something to expose the breast of his ironic tee. This boy either has impeccable hygiene or never washes at all. Regardless of age or sanitation, this is a thinking man’s boy who either knows what he’s talking about or exactly how to make you believe in whatever happens to be tumbling out of his mouth.

Exhibit C

THE VARF

The VARF (vest + scarf) is for the boy who wants to be a man (and by “man” we mean Justin Timberlake). And he knows the only way to achieve this is to wear complicated home spun variations on classic garments. The vest says “I HAVE A JOB!” The scarf says, “BUT I’M NOT GOING, BECAUSE ITS COLD OUTSIDE!” And together they say, “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY, I HAVE HEARTS TO MAKE THROB AND DANCE MOVES TO CREATE!”

*For extra flair, try taking J.T.’s lead by pairing your varf with and old man hat and a pair of impossibly white Nikes. This will have all the tour sponsors begging for YOUR endorsement!*

VARF TIP: Be mindful of your sleeve situation during the appropriate seasons. No one likes to ruin a perfectly revolutionary ensemble with unsightly goose bumps!

Exhibit D

Sweaters to avoid:

+Those of the “Bill Cosby” variation
+Anything from J-Crew (If you are taller than 4ft.)
+ANYTHING from ANYONE on ANY EPISODE of Friends.

Good Luck!

Sunday, October 14, 2007

I Thought I told You That FEY Don't Stop!

I thought I told you that (Tina) FEY don't stop!

Emmy award winning, most awesome 30 minute one-camera sitcom on EARTH, 30 Rock, has returned for its sophomore season. And the laughs just keep on comin. There's no need to describe the specifics because i don't feel like it so JUST WATCH THE DAMN SHOW! (Or read about it here.)

And for now i will represent my love for Tina and the gang with this YouTube Clip of Tracy Jordan (Morgan) performing his novelty song hit "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah."

-enjoy!

Friday, October 12, 2007

Breaking News: Bonanza City in Desperate Need of ChapStick!

And God, evidently. This week's Kid Nation was all about religion -an unnecessary divergence in our opinion. Cedric took notes, but then we went to Qdoba and they accidentally fell in my burrito and I ate them. Oh well, they're gone now.

Instead let us move our fingers into gyana mudrah and close our eyes. Now follow your breath and project this old youtube clip onto the space between your eyebrows:

Just to clarify,

Overall, we can definitely still say with certainty that Jared is still definitely THE SHIT!!!! Not only does he testify like a Pentecostal Minister (that is, with a dead animal) but he also meditates. Blabadey blah, other stuff happens, Taylor does her thing (tyranny), and Greg is still ugly (on the inside(too)). And we still don't care who the other 32 kids in Bonanza City are.

Aside from Jared the only standout was Ashley, Cody's girl-friend. This mid-western vixen's siren call was far too powerful for poor Cody, and he was eventually lured back to the rolling hills of Nebraska or wherever he's from. We wish him the best in both life and love, however we feel Taylor prolly summed it up best: "Good riddance, queef-face."

Okay, she didn't really say that. Yet.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Breaking News: Local Conservative Newspaper Troika Not Quite As Crazy As We All Thought

So it turns out the Rhino Times isn't affiliated with the KKK after all. You learn something new everyday...

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