Gay Clip of the Year
We would like to give this newscaster an award for Gay Clip of the Year
... but we are laughing too hard
Friday, August 10, 2007
Last Week's Rock of Love Gets an "R" for Rock, Rainbows, and ROUGH
Even though the Today Show has been making me dumber, I wasted a bit more of my dwindling brain cell supply on this past week's Rock of Love (aka Rock Star Nut Grab). After Dear Sweet Tiffany departed, I couldn't bring myself to make Rock of Love appointment TV. Updates on this stupid-making, if amazing, show will continue to be sporadic- sorry if I'm disappointing you hard core B.M. (Bret Michaels) fans out there. It's been a busy summer!
All you need to know about this installment of Rock Star Nut Grab is right here! In case you were wondering what was under Rodeo's hat, it's the mind of a song-writing genius. Luckily for Rodeo, this week's challenge was a song-writing contest.
Unluckily for Rodeo, Bret was not impressed with her bizarre and tacky paean to all things "L.A." and "kids" and he voted her the fuck out of his house. I don't know why this didn't rock his world:
I would love you just like a rainbowOh Rodeo, you are giving so many crazy people a run for their money. "Grab our kids L.A. style" makes about as much damn sense as Tiffany announcing that she had a "hat made" in episode one. Thank you Rodeo for putting your crazy out on a platter for all to see!
that's endless in the sky
Grab our kids, L.A. style, let's love right
Baby, because I want to fly
If you can catch this rerun before the next episode drops, you will be amazed by the number of times Rodeo drops non-sequitur references to "kids," "L.A.," "lovin," "rainbows," and "sandboxes." Rodeo's awesome krazy talk is its own drinking game- make up your own rules! You'll be napping under a pile of empty Sparks cans by the end of the show!
The Whole World's Watchin' Greensboro...
TO SEE THIS MAN CRASH UNCG'S RADIO STATION INTO A HOUSE!
And by "crash into a house," we of course mean, break the world record for longest radio show.
DJ Johnny Walker (um, we guess just like the whisky), passed the 100 hour mark earlier this morning, and the man is still going! Like Brian Slocum, he needs no sleep, only the air of the studio and the encouragement of the listening public to sustain his weary broadcasting bones.
World rekkids aside, the radio show that Mr. Walker has been squeezing out in one long, unbroken log has been AWESOME and is actually worth listening to. Sleep deprivation (see photo) makes for high likelihood of unintended bloopers, too. So listen in, you just might catch an FCC-violation happening live!
Click here now to listen online!!!!!
Today Show Hijacking More of My Brain Cells
I know, I know, I should just stop watching, but I can't help it. I love it when Elmo is on the Today Show. He always says something WILDLY inappropriate about Ann Curry! Ann-bot's circuitry probably can't compute "muppet crush" (I don't really get it either...) so it makes it even more fun to watch because she just covers her face with her hands and puts her head in her lap. You know if he didn't have to stay behind that couch, he'd be all grabbin' on Ms. Ann's chest!
Today, so far, (yeah, bishes, this is live blogging at its finest) he's composed a poem:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Elmo loves words
And Ms. Ann Curry too.
(I think he hates Meredith.)
Reason to Vote for Mitt Romney # 7,432,806
In case you haven't heard (loser), America's new favorite web hangout is a little blog called Five Brothers. It's the only place to catch Mitt and Goody Romney plus ALL FIVE Romney brothers talking about their true life experiences campaigning for President! In Iowa!
Come laugh and cry and laugh again at all the wholesome trouble Mitt, Ann, Tagg, Craig, Josh, Matt, Ben and, um, Michael... get themselves into!
Hangin' out at the game!
Pretending to ride bikes!
Hey! Watch out for that corn guys!
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Mormon Bathing Suit Trend Claims First Victim
So, I know we were all disappointed about Natalie Morales' choice of swimwear on the Today Show yesterday.
*
We all wanted to see Natty's sweet sweet candy, and we all feel horribly betrayed. But let's not overlook the real tragedy here. Namely: Wholesomewear. Like the scrunchy 10 years before it, Wholesomewear is clearly on the ascendant. Slowly but surely, riding a wave of prudish reactionism fueled largely by the ickiness of Girls Next Door, sensible and modest clothing is beginning to flood the American Market.
Say goodbye to tits and ass people (and elbows for that matter), and say hello to personality.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Tea Party With Jesus
This clip is like a beautiful, beautiful Thomas Kincaid painting of a ship full of angels sailing into a harbor lit by a magic light house at sunset.
She loved life, she loved to laugh (like that Italy guy), and she loved the Lord. Anna Nicole is having a tea party with Jesus right now!
Wal-Mart is Krazy
Krazy, Flavor of Love IIHave you seen the Wal-Mart commercials where hip, clean shaven Wal-Mart customers (actors) are filling up their cars with "crazy-priced" gas and spouting off about how they may be many things, but they are certainly not "crazy?"
Sure Wal-Mart, we'll grant you that gas prices are "crazy," but this shit is KRAZY!
OOooooOooh, where's Faith Hill when you need her for a good old-fashioned public shaming?
The Today Show Conducts "Witch Trial" on the Plaza
Poor Natalie Morales, the third hour meat by-product filler in the giant box of CORN DOGS that the Today Show has become, was tried for witchcraft in an olympic size above-ground pool on the Plaza this morning with some Olympic swimmers.
She floated- she's a witch!
It was either a witch trial or a promotion for the Beijing Olympics. I'm not sure. There was a lot of Chinese music and a fan that said "China Rising" above the Today Show logo. And there was a lot of chatter about some upcoming "summer games." I guess we'll never know. Click here to see the whole Today Show Crew, including NatMo as the (very) poor man's Madonna, on Halloween!Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Missing Persons
I was chilling poolside on my yacht this weekend, soaking up some shade and working on my pale, when I ventured to wonder aloud, "whatever happened to Jesse Camp?" 
He beat Dave Holmes out of a VJ(jay) job, rocked our collective world for a summer or two at the MTV beach house(s), then dropped out of our lives just as suddenly as he had screamed his way into them. My group of friends and I posited a range of theories, the most convincing of which was that he and Kirsten Dunst are roaming Brooklyn's baddest back alleys, dumpster diving for pizza and generally spreading their stink around.
Delving into J. Camp's past, I learned he had a cameo in Brit Brit Spears's chick flick, Crossroads and did a few other entertainment related gigs. And then the trail goes cold. His manager and parents claim ignorance of Jesse's whereabouts. And the 8th Street Kidz have remained suspiciously tight-lipped. Though the Brooklyn dumpster-diving theory made so much sense at the time, I've been forced to conclude that MTV chopped him up and sold his bones and hair to China. So they could build this:
The Birds Nest
Yes, that's right, their stadium is called the Birds Nest. Like Jesse's hair.
Hotter than Haute
Tired of Dubai? Check out HypePipe's favorite hottest new sexy vacation destination:
THE SUN!
*
"Here, we're all people of color."
They're BaaaaACK!
And by they, we mean the G-Spot's own seminal rawk outfit KUDZU WISH along with THE TINY METEORS and BRONZED CHORUS!
And by back, we mean THEY ARE REUINTING TO CELEBRATE THE FINAL 365 DAYS WE HAVE BEFORE THE CHINESE TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
And by reuniting, we mean THURS NIGHT @ TWO ART CHICKS!
So put on your best Mao suit and come down to burn your lips on this reunion which promises to be hotter than the weather man and classier than all the Real World Reunions combined!
Reason to Vote for Mitt Romney # 3,619
*
"Because the need for modesty in swimwear is great, and the supply is almost non-existent." -Mitt Romney
Faith Hill's Husband's Balls
Cold Cold Ice, our dear friend and HypePipe reader, sent us this HI-LAR-IOUS video. Faith Hill, country music sensation and classy lady, publicly shames a woman in the audience of the Soul II Soul tour for trying to grab a'holt of her husband's nuts. While we're sure that a Tim McGraw nut grab is de rigueur at every Soul II Soul concert, Faith's response is pure genius. She delivers a spoken word song about proper concert conduct directly to the offending audience member ALL WHILE SWAYING TO THE BEAT. Really, if you're not a Faith Hill fan, you will be after watching this.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Angelina is Probably Never Speaking to Jon Voight Again
So, I was going to use my magickal powers of Celebri-psychic clairvoyance to evaluate the stars of the new Bratz movie and predict which one is gonna be America's Next Top Cracked Out Mess. (In other words, which one of these tweens is 3-4 years away from Lohan?)
But then I checked the imdb page and found out that Jon Voight is a part of the tween-tacular Bratz cast.
All I can say about the Bratz movie now is that I'm pretty sure J. Voight will never again see Angelina and her collection of low-carbon babies. Like ever. She hates those slutty dolls and their evil influence on young girls' self-esteem!
This Grilled Cheese Sandwich Will Tear Us Apart
I was minding my own B.I. and trolling Epicurious for some cheap thrills, when I came upon THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH IN THE HISTORY OF FOOD. The reviews for this one recipe go on for days. And evidently, some were so vituperative as to not pass the standards of food reviewing decency and have already been deleted by Epicurious summer interns. (fuckin interns ruin EVERYTHING...) Nonetheless, the remaining reviews are hilarious. Click here!
A few hi-lights of the hard core web-based fisticuffs:
To previous reviewer: Chill out dude/dudette - you have way too much anger going on.... Save it for what counts, ya know??! (The review referred to here has been deleted. Clearly, the person who wrote the deleted review is Paula Abdul.)
Why do reviewers like the cook from Miami feel the need to snipe and make spiteful remarks on a site like this? (Perhaps 'roid rage?)
I'm sure there are plenty of food snobs on this site whose big dark secret is that sometimes they hide in their closet with a big bucket of Kentucky fried chicken or a bag of pork rinds. (Martha Stewart)
Saturday, August 4, 2007
P. Tiddy, Boy Reporter: "I Was Tortured!"
Yeah yeah France was cool, blah blah blah.
But the whole trip was almost ruined by the 7 hours I spent locked in an ingenious and evil torture machine called the "trans-Atlantic flight" which seems benign enough until they flip down their little TV screens, pass out the exorbitantly expensive headphones, and force you to watch terrible movies. The kicker is that watching the movies is SO MUCH BETTER than talking to the guy next to you, who was obviously deported from Canada for being so incredibly annoying.
The Gauntlet:
1)
Personally I think the only funny thing Mike Meyers ever said was "She stole my heart... and my cat." And okay, I laughed a little at Goldmember, but only because I was high.* But this, the third Shrek movie is so incredibly awful I don't even want to talk about it. All I can say is that I'm very disappointed in Justin Timberlake, Amy Sedaris, and Amy Poehler. I expect this kind of thing from Cheri Oteri and Julie Andrews, but come on guys… PS, Eddie Murphy reached a new low. Donkey is so not funny. So not funny.
2)
Because I’m mature, I won’t make any weed-related jokes about this movie and instead focus on how shocked I am that a film with both Fran Drescher and Andy Dick could be so disappointing. In this blatant Finding Nemo knockoff, which I think is actually called Shark Bait in America, Evan Rachel Wood (who is not Rachael Leigh Cook) and Freddie Prinze Jr. team up for what can only be described as STINKY FISH BULLSHIT. I actually couldn’t keep watching this thing and ended up talking to the annoying Canadian for like 45 minutes. I’m still pissed about it.
3)
And finally, because one dose of Cameron Diaz is never enough, the only non-animated film of the evening: In Her Shoes, where Cameron plays, get this, a slow reader! And a slut. And Toni Collette plays a fatty who no one loves. And Shirley MacLaine plays a sassy grandma. Obviously Hollywood has been huffing gas and no longer has any imagination. I actually kind of liked this movie, mostly because Mark Feuerstein is totally dreamy. (Remember when he was bi in Ally McBeal!) Unfortunately about halfway through, it stopped being about shoes and started being about sisters and emotions and shit. It was basically like watching a 2 hour episode of Sex and the City, but not as tacky.
Long story short, I didn't die in France and it feels good to be back in the real South. Just in time for hurricane season. Just don't ask me to work on your farm, cuz I'm not gonna!
*On life. Duh.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Bush it, Bush it Real Good
Our favorite celebrity news ho, Billy Bush, is once, twice, three times a genius.
From Wikipedia: "He landed the first interview with Britney Spears' first husband, Jason Allen Alexander in Kentwood, Louisiana after bringing a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich to his home as a gift." For the record, we would let Old Scratch himself in if he had an ultimate ham biscuit from Biscuitville.
There are SO many things Billy Bush could bring an end to if he were sent around the world with a blue U.N. helment and a sack o' biscuits!!!! Here are just a few:
- Al Qeada
- Lower back pain
- Nickelback concerts
- Winston-Salem
- Carrot Top
- Actors and actresses using the dark arts to record and release albums
- Clumpy mascara
- North Raleigh shopping center developers
- Human trafficking cartels
- Panda bears
Thursday, August 2, 2007
This Week's Trend Smells Like Cheetahs
Cheetah Girls that is.
Our crack team of trend-spotters (GET IT? SPOTS?!!!) came across the Cheetah Girls dolls at Target, the masstige crap warehouse that we couldn't and wouldn't live without. It comes with earphones so you can put one of the dolls hands up against the ear part when she's singing. Just like Jessica Simpson! (When we watch American Idol we always keep a sharp eye out for contestants who are doing the ear-holding thing when they sing. That usually means they're gonna be real good and professional like.) Cheetah Girls are like the Pussycat Dolls before the Death Eaters sent them into a super-slutty dimension of bad pop and even BADDER fashion. We hope the Cheetahs never change. Or if they do, we want Raven Symoné to make the most money. We love girls who live life with the windows down and the RADIO UP!
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
If I Were a Personal Shopper...
Ok, so I know Britney, like totally has it all- swimming pool, collection of "fancy" wigs, I could go on. But I went ahead and compiled a list of gifts for Brit Brit Spears and her poor accident-prone muggle children in case she ever requires my renowned personal shopping services. Plus, I don't think anyone is letting girlfriend near the gifting suites these days!
Two of these,
This for the baby who is probably as strung out as Brit Brit is, (also good for hurling at the paps!)
For the ce-ment pond, one of these,
One diaper cake, delivered weekly, cause BRIT BRIT LOVES CAKE,
And to celebrate the blessing that is divorce, a bottle of Tussin and this,
One of these, for whenever!
Maybe we'll send a copy of this to Lynn too,
And, Brit Brit, I put this on your gift list cause really, it's time to take care of you.
BTW...
Where are Ellen's gifts now? Is Kevin keeping his white-tee collection in the fancy pram? Is B.B. pushing it around Malibu, filling it with empty yogurt containers she picks out of trash cans? In any case, I bet Ellen wishes she had just given them some informational brochures about birf control and a pack of onesies...
Jazz and Liquor and Saving the World
In my ongoing effort to bring HYPEIPE’s own brand of carbon-neutral, hip-shaking PIECE to the world I give you another bit of inspirational choreography. From a past week’s episode of So You Think You Can Change My Life, here is a jazz routine both hot enough to melt the ice caps more and cool enough to freeze that shit right back up.
So enjoy and remember…….
Make DANCE ROUTINES……….not war!
So enjoy and remember…….
Make DANCE ROUTINES……….not war!
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